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Ken, the anxiety is normal. Do you exercise at all? Exercise helps the anxiety. it also helps get you in shape and improves your fitness level and looks.

The wedding is a trigger. That may be the reason for the anxiety today. I have a wedding I'm in tomorrow and tonight is the rehearsal dinner. it is my son. It is a trigger. The trigger attempted to put me on the coaster yesterday but I've fought it off.. I'll advise what peopl have advised me..go have fun..weddings are fun...it's a party..be glad, have fun..

you're doing good ken..hang in there.

by the way MC uis a positive..keep it up.

Thanks MFT. I forgot to even look at the wedding as a trigger. I think it's a combination of the wedding, Tuesday was the 10th anniversary of my fathers death (he was my hero and I watched him die of cancer, he died in my brothers house where I am staying in the same room he died in) plus not talking to her yesterday at all.

I do exercise. I went to the gym last night and lifted. I probably should go to the gym and take a run on the treadmill to get rid of the nervouse energy. Not should, I'm going to. I have about 4 hours before the wedding.

I got a haircut, had my suit cleaned, and am planning to look great. Just need to get the internals to a point where I am balanced and centered and confident in myself.

Two things my wife has said in the past few weeks. When I first went on Lexapro for anxiety it worked for about 2 weeks. She commented to the MC that I was 'more confident', and a thing she said last week was that I 'had an air aboout yourself' - these are hints as to what she wants to feel from me.

I'm just trying to work on getting these things back into my internal feelings. Instead of the desperation she definitely can't stand.

My goals for today:

1. Get rid of the anxiety
2. Focus on me and not on her
3. Let go of the sitch
4. No negative projections
5. Have fun at the wedding with no expectations

I love these boards. So many good people giving so much of themselves to help others, even though every one of us is going through probably the most difficult times in our lives.

Thanks again everyone.

Good goals Ken. I told you that she would probably not call and it would be tough and it is. Just go the the gym get a good workout and think about the wedding as a big party and it has nothing to do with you and your W.

Have a great time.

and you would be right about that.

I'm saying you should speak very little and listen more. If you answer things with short answers, she'll 'fill in the blanks' herself. And they'll be filled in with her own fears about you leaving, her insecurities.

ok, thanks frank. Thanks for the advice. I'll put it into practice tonight when I see her. I guess there's a balance between listening, not talking too much and not ignoring her either. Listen, validate, talk, but not too much information.

I went to the gym and ran a quick 2 miles. It's such a great way to burn off excess energy.

I still feel a little bit of anxiety but very low level. I think it will dissipate on its own.

I'm a little pissed off though because she is supposed to pick me up here at my brothers and I still haven't heard from her (2:15 now). We're supposed to be at the wedding by 4pm which means we have to leave in an hour. She should have called earlier and made arrangements for what time she was coming to get me.

Originally I wanted to pick her up, but we thought it would put too much stress on the kids since I haven't seen them since Wed.

Gonna dump the pissed off mode here too.... ok, dumped. Not gonna talk to her about it.

I'll post tonight or tomorrow.

Ken

Best of Luck Ken,

Let the PMA shine! She probably has her reasons for being late, and they wont be what you were thinking anyway.

Hope you have a great time at the wedding.

Success.

All positives, no negatives I can think of.

She was late because she was late, and she didn't realize we had to be there by 4pm. She thought we discussed earlier that she would pick my up at 3:30pm. So it was ok.

She came by the house and she looked stunning. Nice form hugging dress she borrowed from her friend. She curled her hair just like I like it. She even told me she was wearing my favorite perfume. God I love that smell on her.

She commented on how good I looked and remarked on how she liked my haircut.

Drive out to the wedding was about 35 minutes. Great News! Her parents have bought a house. Not sure if everyone knows but her parents have been living with us for 7 months now and it's put a big strain on our relationship. Even our MC told my wife her parents have to get out of the house.

Oops, gotta run. I'll update more later.

Ken

I'm looking forward to her parents leaving the house. It's really put a strain on our relationship and I think her mother has undermined it by the way she naturally is.

On the ride out we did small talk about the house. Her mother giving her a hard time last night about putting my son to bed and her mom telling her she gives in too much to him. He didn't want to go to bed and kept coming downstairs. Her mother couldn't take it and was saying stuff like, "This is getting out of hand" etc... (GET OUT OF MY HOUSE MIL ... lol)

Then W asked me how I was feeling. Didn't expect that. Told her I was doing really well and felt great. No anxiety, no compulsive obsessive thinking (bipolar/anxiety/depression stuff which is an issue in my sitch). She said, good.

I asked how she was feeling and she replied, "I'm alright". She said "It's just hard taking care of the two kids all by myself. My mother helps out some but it's still very hard." I told her I understood that. Said, even though your mother is helping it's still alot to do to take care of them all day and then have to brush their teeth and read to each one and put them to bed...

She also told me that she did some research online about the place the wedding was at and they had an inn like a bed and breakfast. She said the rooms are like 125 a night, unlike the B & B we stayed at in Feb which was like $275 a night. She said, "They have other suites which are like $300 a night, you know, the rooms we won't be going to. I think the $125 a night rooms would be nice for us to go to."

Had more small talk about stuff. Had a few laughs along the way too.

When we got there she grabbed my hand as we were walking into the place. She also remarked how she had a nice time the day of my son's birthday.

Instead of going through a blow by blow of the entire night, maybe I'll just highlight some of the positives:

- She did alot of touching. Touching my arm, my leg when talking. Hand holding etc...
- We laughed alot
- She didn't drink at all. Had Odoulls with me. Big one - she's being supportive here
- Asked me to take a walk outside in the gardens. Was nice - we held hands
- She wore the perfume which she knows I love. I said, "I love that perfume" and she said, "I know" and smiled
- Even curled her hair which she knows I like when she does that
- Complimented me
- Told me at end of the night that she had a really good time. Later said it again.
- She initiated holding hands a few times
- Had a nice slow dance
- She initiated some small kisses
- She was listening intently during one of the readings that said marriage is about the good and the bad. The important thing is to be there for each other through all of it. Even saw her nod her head.
- No R or M talk at all
- Asked me to spend the day together on Monday with the kids. My son has a dentist appt. in morning then an ear doctor appt. in the afternoon. I volunteered to drive my son to ear doctor (an hour drive into Manhattan) to give her a break from having to do it. She took him last week. She said, "Why don't we plan on spending the whole day together. Come over in the morning then we'll do something, then you can take Jon to the doctor in the afternoon. Or we can all go in there together."
- A couple of ILY and some nice hugs
- Long kiss at end of the night followed by a long hug
- She even asked me to go by the house her parents are buying in the morning to check out a low spot in the yard.
- I had no anxiety, just school boy nervous when she first got there. Kinda like first date nervous. I was confident and not needy at all.
- She looked awesome. And so did I.

Overall, I'd say the night went very well. Now to leave it behind and move forward. Not putting too much into any of it. Might be the pull-away tomorrow. We'll see.

I went in with no expectations so everything that happened was a bonus.

Ken

Couple of questions:

1. I have Divorce Rememdy. Is Divorce Busters different and worth getting?

2. I keep hearing references to stages....like 'The Friendship Phase' Where is this referenced? I don't see it in Divorce Remedy.