Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Mulesqb - Still alive and Kickin'

Hey LHF - How are you?? I hope you are well - by now you must be a master at the Wii!

Yes - the natural bond with the boys has always been an issue and one in which I have tremendous guilt over. I wish there was a way to appease her with it but there isn't. I will say though that S14 reached out to her to ask if she would teach him to cook and she turned him down and then S10 has been asking just for her and him to go to a movie - ANY movie and she keeps turning him down. Really a shame and a golden opportunity for her to bond with them but she just doesn't have it in her right now.

I know what you mean about the facial expressions. But someone in my earlier thread explained my W does a lot of projecting. that has helped me to deal and just blow ff those comments.

Thanks for the kind words - as hard as it is I love being a father and am still honored to be married for my W. One thing that helps me - if this doesn't work out I know that i have always cherished her. No regrets - i did the best i could and loved her every day of our R. It was very important to me that she knew that so I made a point of it to tell her every day for 16 1/2 years that I love her and that she was so beautiful to me inside and out - and it was no BS.

When i read everyone's posts I see that I really need to chill out. I don't know why I get like that. I think like every one else - i'm just scared to death of a bad outcome.

Bill - You would never offend me. I can't tell you how grateful I am to read your posts. I am amazed at how you are able to have your finger on the pulse of this. I look forward to your responses and believe me, they have had a major impact on me. I have read many of them multiple times. So even if you did offend me - I don't care - i know you have my best interests at heart.

Again thanks for this advice. I guess I am just frustrated because there is no way she will go to a psychiatrist. In the past when she has been troubled - she was the type to recognize it and seek help. Now there is no way.

You are so right about her losing the joy in her life and having no idea why.

And everything else you said is spot on. Thanks for getting me back on track. When i read your post I find it giving me more of a PMA. Beginning right now I am back to the lovingly detached guy that was making progress and will stop harping on every word.

I will also go on the trip - because she asked me to and a good friend has put it into great perspective for me.

Your line about her greatest fears is true. She said it in MC when she was still going with me.

Thanks again for getting me back on track - I really needed that. Although I wish I could understand why I slide the other way sometimes. I don't even notice it happening. I think it's because I'm still scared to death to lose her no matter how strong I feel. It's always there. At least tonite I am finally feeling a little rejuvenated.

Thanks again! I can do this.

Hey guys just wanted to update - been doing a lot of reading here the last few days and not much posting. Bill's last post really hit home with me about looking at positives. That REALLY helped me this weekend.

To update - the neighbors are getting divorced. They had a major blowout this weekend and are ending it. I have mixed emotions. On one hand it will be a good thing. It can be a really good thing. The neighbor's W spent yesterday looking for a new place to live. On the other - my W was spending a lot of time with the H. Always with me, but quite honestly I thought she was overdoing it. He also has got her to be totally on his side and against his W. I told her that I would not pick sides - etc...

Thanks to Bill I really focused on the non-negatives this weekend. I took the boys to the movies - they begged my W to come and she wouldn't - they all said that they would even see whatever she wanted and she declined. So I took them anyway. She told me to call her when we were done and that she would meet us for dessert. We called her at 10:30pm when we got out and she wanted to meet with us - so we went to the diner. We were all thrilled.

I think there were a lot of non-negs this weekend. Her and I are getting along pretty well. She brought up that she watches TV downstairs because she likes to lay on the couch and not in the theater chairs. She asked me about moving the couch back upstairs - so that's got to be a positive - at least I think it is.

Anyway - I don't want to go on too long. She again this morning got mad at S14 and screamed saying the kids are her only problem and that's why she doesn't want to be there. I asked her firmly not to say that in front of them as it is very hurtful to them. She caught herself and stopped. She also made it a point to tell me that she wasn't yelling at me - that she was just frustrated - I told her that was ok - I was just there to listen regardless.

Update - My neighbor just called me to tell me he is going to try and get his W to go to MC (I had suggested that the other night). So they might not be done just yet.

Hi Mules,

Congrats on the "mental progress" with the non-negatives this weekend. I'm sorry to hear about your neighbors; perhaps MC will help save their marriage. Maybe you need to pass along copies of DB and DR!

It's too bad about your wife and the kids, but you are not alone in this -- my H definitely has a shorter fuse with my D during the past 6 months or so (when I think our own mess truly began).

I think that when kids hit a certain age, obviously they start to get an opinion about things, or their personality comes out, etc. I know my daughter starting kindergarten aided her own independent mind -- she's not a baby anymore and she has a mind of her own. I'm sure your 14-year-old is certainly getting a mind of his own -- doesn't that happen at that age? -- and maybe your wife has a tough time dealing with that... Maybe she truly realizes her baby is grown up, that she can't control him anymore? I'm probably just reaching here for an answer for you, but that's my take when I think of my own child and what's going on now and likely my future worries as well...

Have a good Monday and keep your spirits up!

Hey LHF - Hope you are well. I had a lot of computer issues the last few days. I will catch up on your thread today. I hope you are doing well. Last time I checked it seemed you were doing better.

My W issues unfortunately are with all the kids. She just wants to have fun - the thing that i should be thankful for is that she does include me in 90% of the activities she wants to have fun doing. But we just don't feel like Man and Wife anymore - I don't know so maybe we are trying to become friends again. The problem for me is that when we first became friends I was so loose around her - I literally could have her laughing within 10 seconds. Now I don't fell comfortable enough around her to do those things - maybe it's because we're a lot older now and have changed. I feel it's because she has changed so much - but maybe I have also in that regard. Having the role as a Dad has kind of changed my perspective a little on things. Maybe that is something I need to work on. Before the bomb hit I was relaxed enough to still make her laugh every day - now i feel I am on some sort of trial. So I am still not myself - to her. To everyone else I can still be myself - but not with her yet.

Anyway - guys - I know there are some other posters that need more help than me as I am in some kind of coasting mode right now. Quite frankly I hate it. But my problem is still detaching. I am still caught up in all her drama as hard as i try not to. We sleep in the same bed, eat meals together and go out with the neighbors, sit on the deck together, etc...But when i think things are going well, she'll go for her private time either to the store, or nail salon or in the basement. It still bothers me. I don't say anything to her and just encourage her to do what she wants - but it is still painful. I hate to admit it but i am still hurting.If everything was ok between us I wouldn't give these things a second thought but in the current state I get caught up in it.

Anyone have any advice on how to deal with that. Bill's post really helped me the other day to see the positives going on. But what it also helped me realize was that i am really not detached as much as I thought.

Let me just say that I could have written your above post... When H and I began our relationship, we laughed and talked about everything, but I know now that over the years it's changed, and it's hard when we are together to not talk about the day-to-day, family-and-kids thing. It's very hard. But that's why life changes, I think, and some people roll with it better than others. I think I rolled with the "parent" changes better than my H, who still has some yearning for a fun-and-exciting life... whereas I just accepted that life has different stages and this parenting thing was a new one. I don't want to be out in bars getting drunk with the music so loud I can't even carry on a conversation. But I also now realize that there needs to be a balance in our life -- not shunning all responsibility and whooping it up, as I think my H wants to sort of do, nor shunning all fun and worrying about my little girl all the time, as I have done a lot.

But the hard part is even though I realize this -- it's getting my H to come to the same conclusion and/or realize that I've changed my views on this... so I can relate to finding that balance.

And although my H and I have settled into a new way of "being" during the past few weeks -- eating together, doing some family things together, getting along, etc. -- I also still panic the minute he wants to be alone. He still sleeps in another room, and likes to go off and take nature photos -- which makes me freak instead of just calmly accepting it. I just try not to let him know I'm freaking out inside. I also feel like you -- it's the "current state" that makes me get caught up in this.

So I can completely relate. You are not alone! It's like coasting... but you know that brick wall is in front of you somewhere. I can handle the current state, for the most part, but I know there's hard work coming. I know there may be disappointment coming. I feel like I can't disrupt the new balance right now. And then there's the patience issue.

Do you go back in the DR book regularly? I have to say it has been my biggest savior in times of insanity. I have highlighted lines in it that give me advice or strength, and I have post-it notes in it too. Sometimes I just flip to a chapter and start re-reading all my highlighted parts and it reminds me to continue on my path.

Or do you have something "quick" you can turn to for a few minutes? I often pick up the crossword or Sudoku puzzles in the paper to waste time when I'm freaking out and it gives me something to focus on.

I know that isn't the best advice, but I wanted you to know that you have many other friends here who are stuck in the same holding pattern.

Hey guys - She was on roller coaster extremo today. She came to S10 game last night and then we went for dinner. She was having a lot of trouble listening to the boys at dinner so as soon as she finished eating she went home. When we got home she just wanted the boys in bed and disappeared to the basement. I went to bed at 10pm and felt good this morning...until she got up:

She started crying and was saying she can't keep going on like this. She is just existing and not living. She said she can't help her feelings and she really does not feel happy about anything in her life right now. She said she is trying with the kids but it is just not happening. She said she feels strange around me and has this pit in her stomach that hurts and burns. She also said that she is really not happy with her new job either. She said she is sad all the time and has to do something about it but she is scared to do that. She talked about separating again. I just tried to say nothing and validate. I didn't want to be in this conversation yet again. At one point she said she doesn't feel part of anything around the home. She said she feels very lonely. She says even though she recently stopped going to church she is praying a lot and feels very close to G@d. She said she likes her space and then starts to feel lonely.

I did ask her how therapy was going and she said that they were just discussing how to handle the kids in her current state and that her therapist just tells her it is ok to feel the way she is feeling and she has to be true to her feelings. I asked if they talked about her intense sadness yet and she said no.

I am very down again. I am trying to stay off the roller coaster, but how can I. She brings me in - pushes me away and then starts over again. It's very difficult to deal with. I don't know what to do anymore. I DB my a$$ off and nothing really changes. I thought we were getting along pretty well again and now she says she is tired of putting on a happy face. Honestly - i kind of feel like going dark right now because i can't take the constant hurt and feeling like we are making progress and then being slapped down to reality. Meanwhile her only complaints continue to be about the boys. I know I should be happy that I still spend a lot of time with her but it's just not the same anymore. Does anyone have any ideas. She cried a lot this morning - we actually hugged a few times. When I left she called with a pretty normal voice to tell me that S10 has a bbq at camp tonite and maybe we can all go. WTF?? She just told me she needs to separate again.

Mules, take a deep breath. this behavior is fairly typical, try not to let it get you down. it reminds me of pin the tail on the donkey. blindfolded and trying to pin the tail, problem is they are spinning around and have no idea where the donkey is.

It sounds like she really needs to go see a psychiatrist and possibly be on meds... I don't know how you can get her to go see someone, but I would say that "intense sadness" is definitely something anti-depressents might help with.

I feel for you Mules... I do think that this is not about you nor about the kids but something that needs to be fixed inside your wife's head. Don't take anything she says personally and please know that your efforts are valiant -- you did not do anything wrong. Perhaps your own IC can help find a way to help you encourage her into better psychiatric care?

Also, you said she stopped going to church -- maybe you can go with her? Are there people there they she can become friends with who may be able to help her? Just a thought...

You are a great person and a great husband to be trying so hard to save your marriage and keep your family intact. Never forget that. Other men may have thrown in the towel, but you have stepped up and should be proud of that. I wish there were more men and more fathers like you in this world. Don't give up. Remind yourself that this is not about you. Keep the faith.

Hey Craig - That's a good analogy - except it's pin the tail on the mule an she keeps stabbing me all over.