Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse my crazy mess part 3...

S2~ I have no issues with strong and confident....not an issue! Ask any male physician in my area...i'm the biggest flirt, i show confidence in my work, i know which "shots" to call.

I do suffer now, from depression...it started about 6-8 months after my dad died. I am in treatment/therapy for it now, and am working with my physicians to manage my medication regimen.

When we very first started dating, I worked as a teller at a bank, he would come thru the drive-up window and we would just "chat" and I would just smile and blink...likw flirtatious women do...he was seeing someone at the time (remind you this was over 10 yrs ago)....my friends had a halloween party, i invited him, he showed up with her, i bet him 20 bucks he couldn't get rid of her and come back and party with me...well low and behold he left a few mins. later he was back without her...so we were talking, i was working my mojo...and BOOM...she came stormin in the door like no tomorrow...needless to say, he left her in the truck and came back in to see me(pattern here anyone???)a few weeks later she was history, he came thru the bank and asked me to his works christmas party, and from there...well here we are....

Self esteem issues...no, not really...i'm an average girl...probably underweight....lost it all this past year...would like to get my "booty" back! when i went to work today, i had mtgs all day, so i did my hair and dressed up...none of the MD's recognized me...i got a ton of compliments and was told how attractive i was. i think/feel ok here. As a sexual being...i'm a ok...lady in public tramp in the bed! and the H liked it

H is a mix likes down to earth, a little naughty, little nice...someone who isn't afraid to get their hands dirty...and someone who doesn't have their nose in the air....oh and someone who isn't crazy...which right now my head is spinning a little, so i could qualify for that one!

I can handle the bee stings...can you guys handle me? I may get whiney/bitchy!!! LOL!!! just kidding! One of his last pokes the "credit card" incident...i was heading down home to a family reunion, which he knew, he told me had a unactivated credit card for me and needed to get to me. I said fine lets me, I will be in town...oh and did we meet. There are 3 bars/pubs/taverns in a town of 700 people my family (due to drama) goes to one bar...he goes to all 3, he knows my family, he knows we go to one bar, after every get together...long story short, me & the family show up at the bar...he's making out with some chick. Can we all together say...NICE!! this bee sting hurt, but i held my head high, drank my drink...stayed with the family for a bit and left...didn't give him the time of day. walked past him to go the bathroom, but didn't say a word...just let him suck face with his flavor of the week...oh so made me want to vomit! Now when I got in my car to drive home, i balled my eyes out...but i never let him see a tear. I think i'm good, and like FG said, if i'm not prepared to answer a phone call if he would call out of the blue or something...I WON'T ANSWER!! I learned my lesson with "pool-gate"!!!

I think i've answered your questions S2!!

Let me know if you have more...i'll be around tonight and tomorrow. And in and out this weekend.

thanks for coming on board..TEAM Christa loves you
((((sandi)))))
christa

"Ok, I am willing to work with Forrest to do whatever we can to help move this stitch along. I think perhaps it does take both sexes in these issues to learn from each other and how to handle certain things."

I agree 110%.. I told Christa.. I need the "Drama" to be able to figure things out. Also I am somewhat lacking in helping someone who has been stung.. It's my gruff manner and all.

"As weird as it seems to most females that anger proves he still cares.....perhaps FG is right about this. I suppose if he just plain did not care one way or the other....there would be absolutely no signs of any emotion. But what concerns me about you, Christa,can you handle the sting from your H?"

So Sandi2 can see it to.. I really question whether you are up for the sting. I was not sure how to get it across in a way you might understand.. but I think Sandi2 nailed it.

"Hummmm, well, we may need a third party to help us here b/c I've lready stated how "poking" affects me if I'm mad."

That is where I step in. I am good at being a DAM. Remember I am the King.. and they all report back to me. I have a handle on when she is pushing to hard from my perspective. Listen if I planed this right.. I am going to be way outnumbered. I am glad you jumped in with both feet. We are off to a good start.. I think. I reserve the right to take that statement back.

"It is fine to be soft, gentle, warm and caring, but she better put a suit of amour on when she starts to "poke" and for goodness sake.....don't show fear and don't back down. On the other hand (just what you wanted to hear, right Christa?) If she was to show a soft and warm "strength" about her without any signs of fear or desparation........something to think about."

Right here Sandi2 you are on to something. This right here is what we need to focus on. Right now she needs to learn how to be bullet proof.. I need to focus her "womanly" powers. Again.. I am not good at that. You are. Hence my cry for help.

"The first thoughts to come to my mind is a low self esteem problem."

I think you are right to a point. Christa is a little hottie (She looks good) trust me on that. From her personality I can tell she would have no problem "getting" anyone. A lot of things have compounded on her.. and the one thing (person) she wants.. is hard to reach for.. I think because she does not know how. She can't chase him.. and yet she will need to chase just enough.. to start the process. Trust me when things go bad (if they do) we will have to go to support mode. She needs to relearn how to be "Coy" with that guy she wants. He is going to fight her..

The rest of what you wrote Sandi2 was Gold!!

Trust me we are not that far off.. you have the exact same fears I do.

Now.. its time to

Off we go...

"S2~ I have no issues with strong and confident....not an issue! Ask any male physician in my area...i'm the biggest flirt, i show confidence in my work, i know which "shots" to call."

If I asked your husband.. what would he say?

"I do suffer now, from depression...it started about 6-8 months after my dad died. I am in treatment/therapy for it now, and am working with my physicians to manage my medication regimen."

This is why I told Sandi2.. things compounded. I can see it.. and I just want to help. Honestly.. I saw it when I first started posting... Last year. You have to separate the issues. Focus on one at a time. Get one "fixed".. then move to the next one. Right here.. you need to decide what we focus on. I am OK with either.. I just need to know where to go.

-------------------------------------------------------------

"When we very first started dating, I worked as a teller at a bank, he would come thru the drive-up window and we would just "chat" and I would just smile and blink...likw flirtatious women do...he was seeing someone at the time (remind you this was over 10 yrs ago)....my friends had a halloween party, i invited him, he showed up with her, i bet him 20 bucks he couldn't get rid of her and come back and party with me...well low and behold he left a few mins. later he was back without her...so we were talking, i was working my mojo...and BOOM...she came stormin in the door like no tomorrow...needless to say, he left her in the truck and came back in to see me(pattern here anyone???)a few weeks later she was history, he came thru the bank and asked me to his works christmas party, and from there...well here we are...."

The girl that did this is hiding. She is actually hiding behind the pool. She is peeking around the corner.. and we all can see her.

_____________________________________________________

"I can handle the bee stings...can you guys handle me?"

This is what concerns me. I can't do this alone.

Sandi2.. There is more than meets the eye here. Christa.. has alot of loss.. that is now having a big factor in what she may loose. You can talk about the loss.. I am going to try and get some help in here.. get some woman talk going on. Right now.. we need to focus on getting Christa.. better.

FG~

"Right here.. you need to decide what we focus on. I am OK with either.. I just need to know where to go."

I want to focus on my R now....i don't want to say M anymore...because I DO NOT ever want to go back to "that M"...I want a better, stronger, and awesome M with my H....that is my long term goal. I think part of my emotions right now are due to losing my H...he's the last piece of my family. I have lost my mom, my dad...i have my sister...we're closer now than ever...but my H...he's my family, he's home, and i know i will be ok no matter what happens....he knew both of my parents, and adored my dad....life would just be "the good stuff" with him there...sharing the memories of my parents with me...and maybe someday with kids....maybe that sounds silly...but that's what i feel.


"If I asked your husband.. what would he say"

too good, stuck up...or at least that is what he would say if you called him on the phone, he dropped out of highschool, got his GED and worked his way up the career ladder...he's now a journeyman electrician...and awesome at what he does...i however, went to college, have an associates degree in nsg, and a bachelors and preparing to begin grad school...he feels left behind, he always said he supported me, but i often wonder. he said once i became snobby/stuck up when i became a nurse....i feel like i grew up/matured due to my parents death faster than he did. i also feel like part of my walk out could have been early MLC....my life where i was when i was 26, is what i should have been experiencing when i was in my 50's...the loss of both my parents...estate hassles...the list goes on....i call it my crazy mess for a reason! As for what he would call me...HMPB, that's today...it's a joke to my friends...close friends, but i'm really that down to earth girl, funny, fun loving...i'm ready for him to see "her" again

"The girl that did this is hiding. She is actually hiding behind the pool. She is peeking around the corner.. and we all can see her."

Let's find her...i am working on it, slow but sure...she's coming back around...i've enjoyed our "chats" and being able to vent to people that "get" this....it helps...she peaks around the coroner..shes H do something, gets hurt...and runs and hides behind the pump!! the broken pump mind you!!! :p LOL

okeedoekee, i think my brain is still functioning...well maybe! i haven't been sleeping worth a poo-paw lately and i think that is really putting my emotions thru the ringer. I am planning to call the dr. tomorrow to see if he will adjust my meds again, got to sleep...can't work 12hr shifts, taking care of patients in the capacity in which i do without sleep....and do "this"...on top of it all!

thanks to all of you for your love and support...you guys rock!
(((hugs)))
christa

Okay Christa and Corey.......a few more comments and then I may have to actually do some thinking...lol.



This is good to know that you are strong and confident in your work. But what is it about your H that makes you feel the fear and desparation? Have you lost some of your confidence and strength where he is concerned? If so, why is that? You did great at the bar when he was making out with the woman right in front of you and your family. The best way to handle that situation is just exactly what you did......don't show any emotion that it bothers you in the least and totally ignore him and what he is doing. Any sort of "pay back" only leads to more pay back from him and then from you and so on. It never stops.

My next question is about your flirting. You admitted to being "the biggest flirt", so how does your H handle that? Let me back up.....did you flirt with other men when you were with your H? Have you flirted with OM in front of your H since you have been S? If so, how did he handle all of that? Why is he trying to show you that he can get women and show out in your presence? It sounds kind of "high school" taticts to me.

I don't want you to think that I am putting you down when I say this Christa, b/c I think there is something born in the female that comes natural to "flirt"......I personally think it starts when we are very little girls. But, for me, flirting with other men playing games on line, was the beginning of all my trouble in my stitch. So, do you think that your flirting had anything to do with the beginning of your troubles or did it come to a stop when you got M? Just still trying to get some background information and an over-all picture.



I can totally understand how you feel. I was very close to my dad and when he died, it did a number on me like I never expected. I had always been the "strong one" in my family and felt that I had to continue to project that image, but I didn't feel strong and I needed to lean on my H for strength. Who do you lean on, Chrisa? It took a very long time for me to grieve and I doubt very seriously that you are any where close to getting through that process. The first year is the hardest.....all the holidays, and everything that reminds you of him....it is all so raw. You never stop missing him, but time does begin to help. But, I don't have to tell you all of this b/c you have been through this when you lost your mom according to your post to me. You said both were looking down on you. You must feel so alone to have lost the last parent you had and now you don't have the man who was your H to lean on. I don't know what I would have done if I had been going through M problems at the same time or right after my dad passed away. So, my heart goes out to you in your grieving for him. I'm sure it must bring back the hurt of losing your mother also.

Since you are in therapy........is it b/c you are having to deal with more than just the normal grief of losing your dad in death? You don't have to say, but just wondered if there was a problem in your childhood with your father that has caused you more pain in dealing with this issue. I'm not implying any kind of abuse or anything. My sister had some personal issues she had to deal with when our father died, but it had nothing to do with anything like that.....so it can be a number of things that come to surface when a parent dies. Sometimes, like with my sister, she had to forgive herself for things she knew she had done that hurt her parents. When my MIL died, I knew I had to forgive her for all the pain she had caused me while she was alive or I would never be able to move on. Forgiveness & regret is often something we have to face when we are dealing with death. Are you discussing your M with the therapist also?



I understand what you are saying, but isn't that hard to do when things in your life are so intertwined? Like I was saying about grieving for my dad....if I had put everything else on hold until I got through that....well, all the other things would have fallen apart. My grief did affect so much of the other areas of my life. So, I am wondering if what you are going
through with this thing with losing your father has really knocked the wind out of your sail. It is hard to show a lot of spunk and feistiness, when you are hurting so badly on the inside. And, that is what depression does to you. So, I'm wondering if the depression---mixed with the emotional trama of losing your dad is the bottom of what is making you retreat in a fearful way (like Corey was talking about). BTW, how close together did you lose your parents? God, that must be so tough for you. I know my mother is getting old and it is going to be hard on me, but it has been 20 years since I lost my father. If you lost them close together....wow. Just wondered about that.


Okay, something does not add up. The description of what you gave about yourself and how Corey talk about you handling the ordeals with your H.....sounds like two different people. I know how losing a loved one can cause you to be afraid of losing anyone else that you love.....and you have lost both parents. Are you so afraid of getting that intimate with the one you love that you are unconciously retreating from it? Why or what is causing you to feel the "desparation" when we know there is a confident woman here? Are you afraid to be alone? Are you living along? I know you have said, but I'm sorry, I can't remember.



It is wonderful that you have friends and relatives that you can have a blast with, but this quote kind of spoke to me that there is something here, but I don't know what it is. Maybe you can explain more. Perhaps you think it has nothing to do with your M, but I still think it all links together in your emotions.

May I ask this......you are on medication for depression. Is this just to help you deal with the loss in your life, or have you had problems in the past with depression? I have had problems with depression for many years and it is hard to find the right meds for what works on the individual. Do you ever feel like you are losing yourself in all of this turmoil? I think I would. There is an old saying that "tears are healing" and that is true. I hope you can cry, Christa, for all the huge loss in your life. I'm not trying to play "therapist"....this is just the way I talk to people when I want to help them. I think I remember reading back on some posts where you talked about God. Well, He will help with the healing process if you will let Him inside to do His work. Not trying to "convert" you here.....it is just what I believe will work.

I appreciate you telling me more about what kind of woman your H likes. I think when he got you....he got just what he wanted. I swear, I read so many threads anymore, that I am beginning to forget too much, so I guess I will have to go back again and read what started all this between you and your H. I have forgotten if he was there with you when you lost your dad or if this has happen afterwards. That would be an important factor for me.

Apparently, FG has seen a picture of you cause he thinks you are a "hottie"! But, what men don't realize, I guess, is that a gal can look like Miss America and still have self esteem problems. You don't think you do.....so maybe you don't. That's really good, if you don't. I know when I am really depressed.....it shows up in my appearance. When you mentioned how many compliments you received when you really dolled up for that meeting.....well, I could not help but wonder if you had kind of "let down" while you have been so depressed. Just a thought.

Well, if I don't hush, the guys are going to be talking about my long posts again....lol. Doesn't bother me! But, you may get tired of reading through them!

Christa, sweetie, I am here anytime you want to cry, b*tch, whine, scream, or whatever......just to get it out of your system. We gals need to release that so we can heal and deal. We are made with the need to "talk" to somebody about our lives. We can't help it....that's our makeup. So, I'm here....even if I don't know how to help....I'm here.

You take care of yourself....okay? You are going to make it. It won't be overnight, but you will get there.

Sandi

Thanks Sandy!

My H was with me thru both of my grandmothers deaths in 99, then one year later in 00 my mom died; we seperated for a brief time, and my dad past; as soon as he past, we worked things out and bought our house....here we are!

"But what is it about your H that makes you feel the fear and desparation"

I guess after the past couple actual times we have talked about R/M hearing him say the things he has said, cutting me down, his tone, his anger...that is where the fear is coming in. desperation...i just want the chance to "do work"...i am in no way the "mean angry monster" that i was during the last months of us living together; i held everything inside...he and i were roomates for 6 months then i left and bought a house in a town about 30-40 miles away from him. away from the drama.

"flirting with other men playing games on line, was the beginning of all my trouble in my stitch."

I agree 110%...I was friendly, out going...he hated it...but instead of talking about it and being rational, he just left me in a bar with all of my friends...locked me out of the house, thru all of my clothes out on the deck that were folded in the laundry basket. He also flirted, it was soooo highschool BS/drama/crap. It got old...tit for tat drama crap! TFTDC!!
How to stop the cycle?

"Who do you lean on, Christa?"

My sister, my friends and family...and i pour myself into my work...its the one stable part of my life! I have one friend who calls me every day, she "gets" the DB/marriage restoration ideas and is very spiritual, she's awesome!

the whole therapist/medication thing is kind of new. my primary physican had me on zoloft, when we were at 150mg, she and i agreed it was time to see a psychiatrist, he added abilify at 2mg to slow down my racing over active thougts, i also take xanax and trazadone for sleep...along with 3 others for migraines...i have yet to see the IC, i am new in this practice, and she doesn't have an opening until the 2nd wk of august...so we will see what she chats about!

i will be back to post more...i'm falling asleep while posting...hehehehehe nite nite

Hey Ms. Christarn

Forrest sent me your way.

I know all about being stuck.

I'm learning all about making good decisions.

Being stuck and the ability to make good decisions do not go hand in hand.

I've been getting unstuck by seeing a great therapist (who was recommended by my psychiatrist) and having excellent medication management. It also comes from trusting.

Me.. I don't like to trust. I've see the psychiatrist for 12 years and only recently started to trust him (since I hated the idea of taking meds.. hence part of him was always the enemy).

My therapist thinks very highly of him, he thinks very highly of the therapist and between the two of them I am getting in a much better place. They have my back.

Having my back means that the therapist watches to see if I whirl or obsess on a thought, on an aspect that is not clinical but gets me "stuck". As she explains, if I obsess, get stuck, then I'm not in a good place to make decisions. And this is a time for good decisions.

You sound like you're dancing as fast as you can, putting as positive a spin as possible, frenetic.

What happens if you stop. Just stop and relax. Stop and take time to think. Stop worrying. The fear is frightening, but it is not real. Your hands are real, your laughter is real. The fear, the anxiety wreak havoc. They tempt with a sliver of truth blown out of proportion. There are ways to stop the fear.. do something physical, get busy. Think of anxiety and worry as mental masturbation. It feels good for only so long.. then it gets tiresome.

Take time.. T I M E.. for you.
Journal with pen in hand.
Write.
Be in one place.

Get you in a good place first.

*hugs*

Christa, have you ever thought you may be bi-polar? When you mentioned the racing thoughts.....a flag went up. It all fits with the depression, racing thoughts, the "monster" stages. My DIL's step-mom raised her and this was what she remembers about her and the step-mom was not diagnosed until a few years ago. She had went all those years without the right help.

I can identify with taking so much meds. In fact, at one point I was on so much meds that every doctor I would go to would wonder how in the world I was able to function....and then hand me two more prescriptions to add to what I was taking. Go figure. The thing was.....I had reached the place that I wasn't able to function and was about to lose my job. So, finally I found a doctor who at least got me off of so much crap.

You are taking a tremdous amount of stuff. Zoloft works well for a lot of people. I tried it, but immediately I started gaining weight like you wouldn't believe (and I already fight that battle) and also my sex drive hit zero (and I sure didn't need that) so I asked the doc for something that wouldn't affect those areas so much. But, you have to do what is best for your mental health.

After reading this last reply from you, I can't help but think that losing your grandparents, your mother and then you dad all within such a short period of time......has got to be a huge part of the mental basis of your problems. And, "if" you had bi-polar or something like that to go with it.....man....that would be too much for almost anyone to deal with.

Have you considered finding a "grief support group"? I never attended one, and I think a lot of parents that have lost children or had a loved one murdered attends them, but they are suppose to be for anyone. Has your therapist ever said anything about something like that? Can you actually tell that talking to him is helping you get through or deal with your problems? I know I must sound nosey, but I don't know how to help except by asking questions. I don't want to sound condesending (as one person told me..lol).

I know how hard it can be living with depression. I got to the place that the more medication they gave me, the more depressed I was. It got to where I could barely get out of bed in the mornings. But, never decide to stop taking them at one time, b/c you have to gradually get off of them. I went for about a year without any at all b/c I was sick of it. My doctor wanted me to see a counselor b/c they couldn't find anything to help my depression......well, that was a joke, when I went. I won't even get off into all of that, but I'll just say that I didn't go back again. Anyway, it was when I was off my anti-depression meds that I got off into my "wayward ways". Don't really think that had a thing to do with it.....b/c it was my MR and all the crap going on in my life that put me into some kind of "crises" similar to a MLC....only I was to old for it to be midlife..lol. Anyway.....where was I?.......oh yes, about you...did you have depression problems before you started losing your loved ones?



I know I sound like I'm playing psychiatrist again, but this makes me wonder if it triggers something from your R with you father. Now, as much as I loved and admired my dad.....he was very, very strict on me when I was growing up. He was military and you could tell it in his voice of "authority". He never abused me physically or any other way. When I was young, I did fear him to some degree b/c he did not know how to show affection and I usually only saw the discipline from him. It was after I was almost grown before we started really getting closer and I saw him mellow out....as they say. Then I adored him. But, I just wondered why your H's tone of voice and his show of anger scares you unless somebody has hurt you by those actions before. Has your H ever physically hurt you? From what you have told us, he acts more immature than anything else. Like throwing your clothes out b/c you were flirting and he didn't know how to deal with it. Not to put you down, Christi, but I think a M woman is really asking for problems when she flirts.....JMHO. I have always been "out-going" in my personality and sometimes I have to be careful so that people that don't know me very well won't see it as being "flirty"....but if you do flirt intentionaly when you are M......well.....there is usally a price to pay for it.

Kind of sounds like you may have married a man that had a different personality from yours. I know I did. My H was completely opposite from me! Crazy, huh? Maybe your H liked it before he M you, but then afterwards, he decided he didn't want you doing that any more.



There is another way of looking at what I said just before this. You may have been shown all the love and support and given your self confidence b/c your parents built you up to be who and what you are as a person. Therefore, you were not use to having anyone cut you down. Now, how you got through school without going through some of that, I wouldn't know, unless you were very popular. But, even popular girls have secrets they hide from everyone else. Anyway, if hearing him say things to you that has never been said before brings fear and a feeling of desparation in your heart........hummmmmm, it's got to be something there that the psychiatrist should be able to latch on to. Have you talked about it to the doc?

I'm so glad that you and your sister are close. That is important since both your parents are gone. Is she M with children? Is she the only sibling you have?

Tell me a little more about your "spiritual" friend. In what way is she spiritual? Do you mean that she is a Christian or is she into some other "spiritual" things? Just wondered what kind of inspiration she is giving you. Again, I don't want this to sound critical in any way. My writings do not always come out like I mean for it to sound. Hope you will be patient with all my questions. You have been so sweet to answer them. It shows me that you really do want help and don't mind sharing your life with those who are interested in talking with you. That is good. That is the great thing about this board, we can be private in who we are and yet tell everything...lol.

Well, I have asked enough questions to keep you busy for a while, so I'll hush for now. I will be waiting impatiently to hear your answers...lol. In all seriousness, Christa, I hope that I can be your friend and that there will be something that the two or more of us can stumble on that will help you. I know you want it most of all and b/c of your "want to"....I believe you will find it. Don't stop believing.

Please don't give up and please take care of yourself. Oh, and watch out for them bars.

Sandi

gypsy thank you for stopping in~ gosh gump said he was sending the troops in...he wasn't kidding me LOL!!!

"stop, relax"

what is that!! no just kidding! I do, that is where my friends come in and I go to my sister's pool or head out to the lake with family and friends....that is where I am "me"...where I let me hair down, and the world stops...it's fun, relaxing...i grew up around the lake, boats, water...love to go back....it's "in" me....it grounds me.

i'm planning a fall trip to get away and have some time with just a couple friends, going to a local zoo (2-3 hr away) and staying at a nice hotel with a spa...need that!! need some pamper time and just hang out! then in febuary heading to mexico for a late b0day celebration for me and to celebrate my sister's b-day...should be fun.

my meds are pretty well adjusted now so the racing thoughts have stopped...thank goodness! the depression is slowly easing...slowly!

again thanks for stopping in! hugs to you

christa

Sandi~

BiPolar~ Had a long talk with my psychiatrist about this...i have subtle signs of bipolar...but only one classic sign and that is the racing thoughts...and the only thing my mind races about is the H...go frekn figure!He rides a motorcycle...so here would have been an example of my thoughts (they have stopped with new med adjustment)H out drinking tonight, what if he wrecks, comes into the trauma center, we are still married, will his parents let me see him, oh God, who will sign consents, I'm a RN, i have legal rights still..we are still married, what if we have to go to court, because we are separated, what if OW, is there, what if he kills someone, what if he is killed, who will pay the bills, and the thoughts kept coming...i'm just happy the new med has made them stop!

I saw a therapist for well over a year...she is the one who lead me towards D/separation...I take full ownership for my choices...crazy thing, we never talked about my parents, and their death and how that could have been affecting my R with my H...isn't that a little fuc$ed up....so the psychiatrist (who my family doc just referred me to...had to wait 3 months to see him...yes he's that good; i work at our local medical ctr...he's very good and highly respected!!)is setting me up with a new therapist in his office...thing is her first opening isn't until after Aug 12th..and my schedule isn't out that far yet...so I'm in limbo until then....love that. So I'm ok with starting fresh with new IC, hoping she can bring some light to the table. I have already met her...she did a pre-lim interview with me the day I had my first meeting with my psychiatrist...I REALLY liked her...however, I don't know how she felt about me saving my R/M..her voice/tone changed when I started talking about it...guess we shall see. She asked why would I want to go back to a man like that...I said, religious convictions, what I did was wrong, and I love him very much...she was like...oh so ya love him huh?....WOW...But the pre-lim interview was only twenty minutes, she doesn't know the whole story, so we shall see...

My friend who is spiritual...wow, she is so Super-fantastic...we will call her LA, it's her name abbreviated! LA really turned me around in my religious aspects! I was born and raised catholic, but always sought a deeper, stronger connection with God. Catholicism, is great...if you want to show up once a week, and listen to an hour sermon...and not do a lot of anything else. And believe that if you die with any sin on your soul you will go straight to hell. (I am SOOOOOOOO sorry if i offend any catholics...just MHO!!! and I am still a practicing catholic!!) She (LA) just started talking to me about the bible, and reading scripture passages to me, and taught me that their are more religions out their other than catholicism. She also got me interested in Joel Osteen, who I adore. He has uplifted me so many times when I am down, I can not even count them anymore. LA and I on Sunday nights talk, then watch Joel, then call to discuss "church"...it is so awesome! She encourages me a lot...and helps that she "gets" DB...and why i am Standing for my R/M...her, my sister(yes only sibling) and one maybe another other friends really are the only people out of my friends/family that "get' why i am trying so hard to get my r/m back on track....she is the one out of all who gets it...the other 3, simply say whatever makes you happy, we support you. The rest of my family say...get rid of the jerk, you'll be better in the long run...love that!(sarcasm noted)

I guess I didn't know my dad until he died, he worked 6 12's and usually had other side jobs while i was growing up. Right after my mom died, he and I got sooooo close, we used to go cruising on his harley...people would look at us like he was my sugar daddy or something. He used to take me to the local bar, so i could drink and have a good time...he would drink iced tea and visit with the locals...then drive me home...God it was good...then one day he said "muppy(that's what he called me) it's sad my little girl is 23, and i'm just now getting know her"...yeah, it was really sad...he died a little over a year later, a month before he died my cousin(who i was really close to, she was a year younger than me) was killed suddenly in an auto accident....it was a tough tough time....i had time to prepare for my mom, and did really good grieving...but not my dad...that one has hit me like a mack truck, and i just didn't bounce back, and still haven't.

Group therapy...we don't really have anything like that, that i know of, i even looked in our chapel at work. i have had more than one person bring that up. I'm not bashful about my feelings, and i think going to this new IC, i will talk with her and how the old IC didn't talk to me about my parents death, and how their deaths affected my M...hopefully she will be able to shed light on all of it.

ok i hope i answered most of your questions...don't ever be afraid of being nosey...i'm a talker as well...it's what i do...i talk to people all day long, it's my job!

hugs sandi...
thanks for helping me, you're great!
christa