Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Soul mate Part Deux

i suppose if everyone here were in my shoes there'd be a lot of unhappy people Puppy i guess you would have me force myself to not care what she says or does (believe half of what she says, none of what she does, or do I have that mixed around ?) it's easy to tell someone to detach....i'm going out and doing stuff, for my son and I's benefit. i can tell you a month ago i was ready to rip my hair out i worried so much about everything. I've been clean for about 9 days when it comes to snooping around her emails and text/cell records. going strong there......... she still cares enough to ask how i am and to say good night, so she doesn't hate me.

Buster,
You might want to have a look at the thread called "Any Regrets" or something like that. It provides good insight from a number of folks. You may find it useful.

thanks lost, read the whole thread. the only thing i don't want to regret is not speaking to OM face to face, but he is a coward, despite the fact that it is my wife's fault for instigating an affair/our separation. i did some things wrong in our R, being emotionally distant at times, but nothing warrants an affair. NOTHING.

about a month ago when i first learned of the phone calls, texting, seeing each other, I warned him through text messages that he wouldn't want his wife to be calling some other guy. did he respond to my texts ? of course not.

Buster,

I would NOT recommend contacting the OM. It raises him to your level, makes you appear weak, and it serves no purpose. Exposing the affair to his wife, employer and parents are always an option, but not OM directly.

"Detach" does not mean the same as "don't care." Have you read Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busting? MWD can explain "detachment" better than I certainly can. But basically, it means that you still CARE about your wife, but you don't let her moods, her words or her actions affect yours. You do what you PLAN to do, regardless of what she says or does.

I never stopped caring for my wife, even while she was at her most vile, deceietful, adulterous self. I never stopped LOVING her (although I may not have LIKED her very much ). But I didn't let how I FELT about her, or how she treated me, affect what I planned to DO each day, or do about each situation that presented itself. Instead of reacting from a position of "Will this piss her off? Will she be angry with me, and if so, how will that make me feel?" I went instead from a position of "What is the RIGHT thing to do in this situation? What would GOD have me do? What will take me closer to my goals?"

Easier said than done, I know, and I failed -- many times. But that's what you're shooting for.

Puppy

I gotcha puppy. I've come a long way in terms of doing what I think is right and what god would have me do. I used to get angry and let my emotions get the best of me and control what I did.

the affair has been exposed to her parents, family, friends, basically every one in our town. Even our pastor of course, so we're covered there

I know that talking to that spineless lamb of an OM would do no good. Funny thing, 2 weeks ago my wife suggested I talk to him to see how he really is. I said I saw him in our bed and that was enough for me :-)

Buster,

I would caution you against exposing the affair to "everyone in our town." Immediate family, best friend(s), possibly employer -- people who are in a position to hopefully influence the wayward spouse, all OK.

But the idea is NOT to simply shame them in front of the entire town. If that's what you're doing, I would sincerely check your motives. I, myself, exposed to probably two or three faiirrrly close friends that, if I had it to do over again, I would have only told them that we were "having problems."

Puppy

well I didn't mean everyone in town. I only explained it to people who might influence her to stop. She won't even listen to her parents about this