I think some subtle points you can make might help too. She sounds like she keeps focussing on who you were at some point in the past.
DO NOT tell her "I have changed" or "I can change" or "I am not the same man I used to be" these are cliche pursuit claims that don't help.
You could say things casually as you are talking about other things.
"I was teaching joey some chords on guitar the other day and I realized how much happier I am. I didn't realise how much I missed this until i started teaching to these kids again. I am so much happier I decided to do this."
The message that you have changed is IN there, but its not pursuit ladden at all...its terribly subtle. She should pick it up though.
If you just talk casualy about things you experienced that day that are poignant, funny, or moving for YOU and share that with her, you can slip subtle hints in there for her to realize you are a different person than the one she is thinking about.
The problem is , she thinks of going to YOU as going BACK to a place where she was UNHAPPY. We have to help her safely understand that you arne't asking her to go back there, but to go forward WITH YOU to somewhere she would actually enjoy quite a bit.
But you can't throw it in her face, you have to place the thougths there for her, and let her pick them up when she's ready. It takes time to plant seeds in a mind and wait for them to grow. This is like a plant, you have to be patient and wait for the plant to come up. You can't hurry a plant to bloom. Or think about pregnancy...you can't hurry a baby either.
There are things you can do to help them move, but ultimately you are just providing means for them to choose or not.
Just trust yourself Buster, if YOU feel better she will feel better about you. It takes WEEKS and MONTHS to produce the effect you are expecting in almost no time at all.
Michele points out late in her book that divorcebusting is NOT a quick fix, its something that takes time and committment. Its like music lessons or gardening. You do things, but you really dont see much gain there and you have to just keep up the work and TRUST that something good will come of it LATER on.
Hope is alive in you, just believe in yourself. She will FEED off your doubt and insecurities OR your hope and confidence. YOU are what she will turn to for that. If all you can do is feel miserable because SHE is miserable, you two are stuck. Buster you really need to find that in you for HER to change.
She will feed off your energy...share positive energy with her. She will keep coming back for more. Trust yourself and the pros here, this works.
well she will be coming here to pick our son up tonight.....i think i'm going to lay off the hugs for now.......she told me to have a good day earlier, only after I said it first. haven't called her all day so i'm going strong i suppose. trying to think of a way to work in the fact that i'm teaching my boss's son guitar and that i wanted to plant flowers at our house....
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
I am thinking it would be easier to slip things into the conversation if we had conversation first.
I think you should give the lessons a few weeks before reporting them to her. When did you start that?
Just do your stuff and give it a chance to fit into the conversation. I don't think it was even that long ago I suggested starting that. And you are already trying to figure out how to report that to her? Maybe just do the lessons for now, get some experinces with teaching that you CAN share with her...you are pursuing again it sounds like. Just teach, you will find a way when its ready.
ok about her.......she's 22 almost 23. she likes to go out for "a drink" every few days with her friends (who are all drinkers). she likes relaxing, watching movies (although not much time with work and a child now). basically she hates sitting at home. enjoys listening to music and seeing a concert every once in awhile. loves the beach. likes reading books.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
of course i was always tired, so she ended up watching tv til i got up. and if i didn't get up in time, she'd go out for a drink with friends. its all about a tiny group of friends who go to the local restaurant and have a couple drinks with dinner.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
well she came and we talked outside for a bit. She has been wanting to quit smoking for a while.....I asked how that was going and she said 'I told myself i'd quit when the papers are signed.' I just changed the subject and made sure I smiled the whole conversation. Threw her for a loop. Any thoughts ?
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
i made sure to smile and be upbeat and she kept saying "what?" "you're giving me a funny look" she's just not used to me smiling i suppose. still talking about that damn separation; trying to scare me i suppose. Puppy Dog, any input ?
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
