Hi christarn, you probably don't remember me, but I posted to you not long after we both came on board. I was an almost WAW and was having problems about achieving the right feelings for my H and you called the shots pretty close to home for me, which was helpful.
Anyway, I'm back reading your thread again and I have to say that it has amazed me that this particular thread has mostly been about that darn pool! (lol) I know, easy for me to laugh about, but serious for you in your stitch. I have discovered by reading your threads that you do have a great sence of humor and especially if you turn to Forrest for help (just kidding Forrest). He is one that really thinks about these issues and gives a lot of consideration, I believe, before he responds back to a post. However, I thought at one time he kept getting me confused with another person.....but that's another story (lol).
In all seriousness, I think he has been a good friend and supporter for you and I can see where you are leaning on him a great deal to tell you what to do......but then the "female" comes out in you in spite of everything...and you do what you want to anyway....hahahaha.
Well, the difference between me and Forrest is where he gives a lot of thought before he sends a post......I just start typing. Having said that, you may not consider anything I have to say.
It's strange b/c I haven't been where you are in that I actually walked away and then wanted to come back, but I will try to put myself in what it must be to wear your shoes and yet try to have an outsider's perspective about your stitch.
Okay, so I'll just start by responding to some things you have said....if that is okay with you.
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should i give him time to digest the text i sent regarding the pool...he always said i was a princess, everything had to be my way or no way...new history is being created, me not needing the pool. this is him testing me, seeing if I really have "changed"
I think your fault is the same as most people's here on the post and that is one of lack of patient. However, it seems to me that your H does need time to digest everything that you say to him, so IMHO, I would not push to text again too soon. I can understand how you feel about him testing you and he has not really "seen" new changes in you, yet.....which is not necessarily your fault b/c of the darn "pool" incident. It is a touchy subject for both of you. I would probably feel very much the same way as you have. But, I think you are on to a good idea as to how to deal with it (the pool). BTW, I can't remember if you have "voiced" to him that you are changing or you were hoping that he would eventually see the changes. Of course, we aren't suppose to talk about our changes, but wait for them to be seen. But, it was my thoughts that he has not actually been around you in person enough to see for himself.....and emails and texting are like letters---you can't see the face and hear the tone of voice. That is one reason I don't really like them, but if that's all you can do for now.....it's understandable.
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he's an angry bee hive.....do i keep poking? will it look desperate? i don't like the look of desperation or at least not on me...it clashes with my eye color!!!
See, I told you that you had a sense of humor! Well, since I just got stung by an angry bee a couple of weeks ago....my suggestion is not to keep making him more angry! I know the person I am mad at had better leave me alone and not keep poking or there would never be a future for us b/c it would end in a very bad way. So, my personal advice would be to not keep poking.
I'm with you, girl, I don't like the look of desperation either. Neither do men--according to what the number one sexual attraction about women is.....according to some mag report.....is, self confidence in a woman! Desperaton and self confidence just doesn't go hand in hand.
Well, I see where the next post from Forrest you were told the opposite from me....lol, it figures.
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ok.....on hurt scale i was a 5 that night...now i'm just PO'd...because my best-friend (who's H is my H's BF) told me my H bought a new suburban(new to him, but used vehicle) no money for pool (money for toys) or at least that was his "story"...don't know if it still is...no word from him yet...and when i heard he has money for toys and playing...it was a little frustrating and making my resentment level rise...therefore on a PO'd scale i'm a 6ish...
Hummmm, yep, I would be pretty PO'd also! It goes to show that a lot of problems are still there and they need to be worked out before you go back home to him b/c if not, his fear of you leaving him again will come to pass. Too many have gone back before the house was cleaned and the dirt was just swept up under the rug.....it never works that way. I think you already know that you have a long road ahead of you if you keep standing for the M and trying to hold the D off.
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need to text tomorrow...only thing to fear is fear itself
But don't forget the DB rule. I don't think you need to text if you are ticked off at H. I think this is also opposite from what Forrest has been telling you, but that is just MHO.
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withdrawing...yes, I know I am....I want to work my R/M out...no doubt in my mind...I am resenting him...his vengefulness, vindictiveness, the mean things that were said...i am shutting down...I know and admit it...got to get out of "the slump"
This is what I mean, you are dealing with a lot of emotion and so is your H. To me, that spells a "storm" and may result in more damages.
So, this is a different approach from what Forrest (Corey ?....oh, I think he is pulling your leg!) is taking. I know I come from the "old school" of doing things, but I still think in most cases a gal needs to back away and let the guy do the chasing. You said that before you were the one that chased and chased. I think my way is probably as risky as what Forrest has purposed b/c it could end in you moving on and making a life for yourself without the H. But, let me ask you this, b/c I have not read this in your thread (unless I missed it, which is possible)but have you tried to go on and act "as if" you are moving on with your life, anyway? I know from what you have said that you do try to find time to spend with friends, which the way you work has to be hard to find time for much GAL! I know that we come here to the board to vent frustrations, get support and ideas from others, etc., but have you tried to set personal goals for yourself in just moving on or are you stuck in that rut of thinking only of getting H back again?
I know you are afraid of backing away b/c of the OW. I understand that. And, I can understand how you see her as a threat and/or competition. However, he needs to get her completely out of his system (if she is really in his system or if she is just a "fix" for him) or it will be no good between the two of you and she will always be a "sore spot" for you.
He can't seem to let go of the past transgressions on your part. I think it must be so hard for some men to get past that......maybe it is an ego thing. Please, please believe me when I say that I am not trying to see how far down I can pull you, But, I personally believe that until he has time to get over his hurt, anger, and busted ego........he isn't going to give you much of anything but more tests and bee stings. I really think he wants to hurt you back b/c he does seem to have a vindictive attitude and that is hard to get past when he is determined to keep feeding it. I think he was doing that with the pool incident. I'm afraid that it is going to take a long time for him to decide to put things in the past. Until he can decide which is most important....love or pride and is willing to take another chance .....I don't know that he will budge. Timing is everything! And.......a lot of time can heal a lot of things, so that would be what I would put my hope in......that-- and in God. I noticed that you brought God into a lot of your posts. He can do a lot of healing if we will get out of His way and let Him do His work. I know He won't knock a person over and force one to do or feel something against their own free will, but strange things have been known to happen in the hearts of men.
Your H said he still liked his freedom. Perhaps he thinks or feels that you are "clinging" to his shirt-tail and won't turn him loose and he is fighting that. What do you think would happen if you did a complete 180 and turned loose? I don't mean file for D, but just go dark? Stop texting (once the pool is resolved), stop trying to "accidently" run into him, and just stop with the contacts, and move on. He needs time to "miss" you and he really hasn't had that yet b/c of the contacts. I know you miss him.....but he is still too angry to miss you! He must get over all the negative emotions, first before he will start to miss you. B/c his emotions will stop him from missing you in a positive way, but will only remind him of the negative feelings he still has.
You still see the same friends, apparently, and they will be telling him all the great and wonderful changes you are making in your personal self and your life. (You are, aren't you?) In time (again with the "time" thing) this may get his interest charged up enough to check it out for himself. When he begins to start showing some positive signs of interest, then you can gradually start with the non-personal text messages if you pass him on the road. BTW, if you live in a small town or close by each other where you do pass each other on the road....don't ignore him, but just kind of throw up your hand in a short wave.....like you would a distant associate at work.....no over-kill is the secret. After he starts showing signs of interest again, then you can gradually work the non-personal text messages up to more personal ones. Then phone calls, etc. will come.......Oh, before I forget....if you should actually "accidently" run into him before he gets his interest back, just act causual and friendly in a non-personal way.....like a "sort-of-friend" and be sure to depart first.
Your concern now is that he will think you no longer love him or that you are acting in your old behavior pattern, but in time he should see this is not what is happening, but that you have made life long positive changes. That is what your goal should be anyway. Those life long changes have to get to be a routine....or they don't last a life time. So, you should have time to get those changes down pat, and right now, you are still get too easily angry with him. Not that I blame you, but that is just how it is.
Well, like I said, I know this is basically opposite from what Forrest has said......or else we have said it very differently (lol), but maybe it will give you another angle to look at the stitch.
I wish you all the best. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. There are other WAW's that have turned into the more LBS in heart, that you could read their stitch and maybe pick up on some ideas. I find their feelings about the "patient" is very much like yours, but, in all fairness (?) maybe we should realize that it was you that walked away (right or wrong) and he does have a lot of hurt to work through and I just don't think you can hurry that along as much as you want to fix it for him. That terrible word we all have learn to hate to hear on the board......."time".
I will say this and may get blasted away from those who so strongly oppose divorce, I have see some W's and H's stand for their M for a very long time and then it still doesn't work out for them. To me, life is very short to go through that kind of stress (if you can't learn to move on with your life), however, there was one success story that I know of that the W stood by her unfaithful H for three years and he finally came home! WOW! I don't know that I could do it, but you may just be the one that can......and come teach others how to do it also.
God Bless and take care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2~ Thanks so much for checking in on me...that was so sweet! You and FG have put my brain on overload!! Now I'm going to have to think of which way to proceed!
I'm good with the GAL....I spend most of my free time with family and friends at our local lake. My cousin and a couple of close friends have boats. We have a blast. I have met a ton of great people. When I'm not doing that, my sister keeps me in check. They all know I'm going through some crazy stuff, so they keep me busy! I even have one friend who i go grocery shopping with. Just so I don't have to go alone!
Life is ok for now. It's just deciding which fork in the road is the right one for me!
thanks again hugs 2 u christa
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
Sandi2.. I want you to understand.. this is not an attack.
I am going to use your words.. and I may have another thought.
I expect you to "make your case".
We are here for Christa and to help her.
"I think your fault is the same as most people's here on the post and that is one of lack of patient. However, it seems to me that your H does need time to digest everything that you say to him, so IMHO, I would not push to text again too soon. I can understand how you feel about him testing you and he has not really "seen" new changes in you, yet.....which is not necessarily your fault b/c of the darn "pool" incident. It is a touchy subject for both of you. I would probably feel very much the same way as you have. But, I think you are on to a good idea as to how to deal with it (the pool)"
The pool was a "objection".. it became a source of anger likely because it was what came to his mind.. and he needed to project that anger somewhere. I did not see the "Pool" becoming the main issue.. but I expected something would. I think that the anger shows.. he still cares.. if he did not.. it would have not come up. So how do we break out of this? Christa will have to do it.. she just needs some "preparing".
"Well, since I just got stung by an angry bee a couple of weeks ago....my suggestion is not to keep making him more angry! I know the person I am mad at had better leave me alone and not keep poking or there would never be a future for us b/c it would end in a very bad way. So, my personal advice would be to not keep poking."
Sometimes I think we see poking.. the wrong way. You have to make sure that the person that is doing the poking.. meant it that way. Perceptions come to mind. I don't want Christa poking the way I poke you. I need to be sure we are not doing that. Sandi2.. this is my way of reaching out to you. Right here right now.. we are going to change things. I need your help.. and your wisdom.
"I'm with you, girl, I don't like the look of desperation either. Neither do men--according to what the number one sexual attraction about women is.....according to some mag report.....is, self confidence in a woman! Desperaton and self confidence just doesn't go hand in hand."
This is my point of focus. Christa is somewhat desperate.. and it shows.. the second things go bad she retreats. Now from the retreating standpoint.. I think that causes some more "Drama". Lets get Christa.. better. I am not a woman.. so I need help here.
My general thought.. just to recap.. H is angry because she left. He is going to make a stand on that.. he has to.. he is a DAM. Christa will respond to any "action" with fear. Honestly I think this could go on forever. My gut tells me the "distance" is creating "drama". I can tell you as a DAM.. if a woman was resilient to my stings.. I might start to perk up.. and pay attention. If we really look at it.. she was the chaser.. he was the chasee. Call me crazy.. but dosen't DB tell you to think back on what worked? Act as If.. you were still together? Everything is telling me.. have her move closer.. the Advanced DAM in me is telling me hold up. I have not figured out.. if that is my "Emotion" talking to me yet.
Glad you are around Sandi2.. lets debate this some. You too Christa. I think we all have something to learn from this.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
DAM 101...professor GUMP!!!hehehe...can I sign my H up for the class, Advanced DAM...he needs them both
DAP...101, 102, 103...he needs all of those as well...since he can't take care of DAP....!!! LOL (dumb as# pool!!)
my neurotransmitters are overloaded....i need a day or two...maybe ten!!!
maybe a vacation is in order...a beach, pina coladas, daquiris, margaritas, a handsome waiter to bring them to be while i lay on the beach....yup....that's what i need!!
ok kids, i will be re-reading everything so we can cuss and discuss....please, please, please....play nice! i know you can....and i need you both...you are invaluable resources....and i appreciate what you are both bringing to the table, so the end result can be the rebuilding of a better R/M with my H...that is my long term goal....and i need both of you and your ideas, and wisdom...you both saved your M...and i want to rebuild mine...so lets do this...okeedoekee! GREAT!!! I know we can....help a sista out!
Last edited by christarn; 07/24/0804:16 AM.
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
work is just hectic this week, and home is even worse if that i possible
Well...ya know...with PoolGate and all... :)!
Thanks so much for stopping by! I know how life is, I think we are all getting a crash course in it. I look forward to seeing you again, and I hope at a less hectic time (ya right...).
Meanwhile, I'm enjoying the Clash of the Titans on your thread...alotta great stuff here.
B
My Story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1512790&page=1#Post1512790
poolgate............I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DAP!!!!!!!!!!!! oh my goodness seriously....never ever get/buy/think about buying a pool....even one of those 6 inch 3ft around plastic wading ones at wal-mart!!!!!!!!!
oh the saga!!!!!
the longer the pool sits without treatment, if it is black mold growing, it will be a health hazard. who knows!
will stop in as soon as life is slower....hopefully tonight or tomorrow...i'm off work early today...thank the Lord!
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
christa hi, now that we've met I thought I come by and pay you a visit. I have read your last thread thoroughly (trying to understand the issue with the darn pool-POOLGATE was fabulous!!!) and real fast your other ones. You are lucky to have FG and sandi here.
I was surprised to see you are here for some time now. And I wish you had some bigger developments because things look pretty stagnant to me. I think that is something you need to consider. IMO any kind of change (good or bad) would be progress at this time. IMO, the more time flies, the more difficult will be for you guys to get back together. I kind of agree with FG (if I got his gumpenese) that you need to get yourself prepared and push.
Let's see if my Guru (and yours) will come up with something... K
Ok, I am willing to work with Forrest to do whatever we can to help move this stitch along. I think perhaps it does take both sexes in these issues to learn from each other and how to handle certain things.
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The pool was a "objection".. it became a source of anger likely because it was what came to his mind.. and he needed to project that anger somewhere. I did not see the "Pool" becoming the main issue.. but I expected something would. I think that the anger shows.. he still cares.. if he did not.. it would have not come up.
As weird as it seems to most females that anger proves he still cares.....perhaps FG is right about this. I suppose if he just plain did not care one way or the other....there would be absolutely no signs of any emotion. But what concerns me about you, Christa,can you handle the sting from your H?
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I don't want Christa poking the way I poke you. I need to be sure we are not doing that.
Hummmm, well, we may need a third party to help us here b/c I've lready stated how "poking" affects me if I'm mad. But, if being angry is a sign he still cares, then we need somebody to tell us how she needs to "poke". I for one would think Christa (sorry if it sounds like I'm talking like you aren't in the same room with us) would have to have a lot of spunk and fire and spit to deal with the sting. It is fine to be soft, gentle, warm and caring, but she better put a suit of amour on when she starts to "poke" and for goodness sake.....don't show fear and don't back down. On the other hand (just what you wanted to hear, right Christa?) If she was to show a soft and warm "strength" about her without any signs of fear or desparation........something to think about.
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Christa is somewhat desperate.. and it shows.. the second things go bad she retreats. Now from the retreating standpoint.. I think that causes some more "Drama". Lets get Christa.. better.
The first thoughts to come to my mind is a low self esteem problem. Christa, have you had that problem down through your life.....especially in school? Do you have body image issues? How do you really feel about yourself as a sexual being? Did you ever suffer any mental or emtional abuse? These are important questions b/c it will depend on what steps you need to take to prepare yourself for the "poking". A lot of women have self esteem problems. This come from various souces, but they are still there for us, so we need for you to tell us how you feel about yourself as a woman and especially where other men are concerned. Because, honey, you are going to have to face your H with all the confidence and self control and poise he has ever seen in a woman. You will need to stand tall and graceful and not a tear on your face. He needs to see a woman that is completely sure about herself and what it is she wants--from her head down to her toes. In other words, you want to knock his socks off with the way you present yourself. Believe me, it will make an impression on him.
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Christa will respond to any "action" with fear.
This is what I'm talking about. No fear.....no tear. You don't have to go in there like a "bulldozer" or a prize boxer to make your point.....that is not being very feminine. You can be a feminine woman and show strength and courage. So, what if he blows his stack and throws things around and has a fit? Just stand strong and never show fear. Perhaps it is your fear that he feeds on.....and seems to react to. I don't mean physical....but emotionally. If he thinks he has you over a barrell with this pool (or anything else) you will back down b/c of your emotional fear. If he is going through some sort of vindictive mode......don't show your fear. Don't have fear of him....period! For all we know, that is what is making him so angry at you.....is the fact that you are retreating about these issues and he just wants to see his old wife back again with the spirit she used to have. What was that?
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If we really look at it.. she was the chaser.. he was the chasee. Call me crazy.. but dosen't DB tell you to think back on what worked?
Well, I'll have to admit, that FG may have a point there. That leads me back to the self esteem. You must have felt pretty good about yourself back then to chase after this man! Please don't tell me it was out of desparation. Anyway, if he liked it and it worked back then.....well, let me ask you this, have you tried the old familiar flirty ways that worked back then? Or is things too strained to even think of doing that in the same way? Does he get worse when you back away? If so, then FG is right, you need to press closer. This is usually not what works with most couples, but then we all aren't alike...for sure. So, maybe he likes the chasing and being prusued. If it worked before, maybe again. What are your thoughts on this, Christa?
I know your head is spinning by now, so I will stop. You said you needed a while to think about all this and I've just added some more...lol. I would like to know what kind of woman your H likes? Does he like the all sugar and so sweet it makes you sick? Or does he prefer more spice and just a little sugar? How does he react to a strong confident woman? I'm not trying to wear your brain out, just trying to get a "feel" for what your H would like to see in you.
Talk to you later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
