had c session last night.... the begining went well...I kept quiet and let h and c just chat about work and business etc...eventually c asks how can we gauge how things are going in the r....h left that to me...so I pointed out that I feel as if things are going well when h tells me he's looking forward to time off with the family and time off with ME (ie his mention of getting away and was sure to point those out)
h did most of the talking after that point...it was nice to hear him say the things he did...h expressed that each day things seem a little clearer to him but listen to this one SAGE! when things are going well his eyes open to more and more...he sees the wrong choices he made clearer etc...when we (or rather I pull him back to that time with questions or accusations etc) get pulled back to yucky stuff the fog returns.
h has realized that what he did was wrong.
I asked after some arguing etc...first by stating that things are getting better and going well but there will still be rough times as there are in every r even the best...how will we, he, or I keep this from happening again. h responded with it wont...he wont to that again (ow/leaving). I pointed out (as nicely as possible) that neither of us would have thought it would happen the first time so how other than simply saying it wont happen do we keep it from happening..ie if you (h) start to feel that way again what will you do? h responded that if I were doing something he didn't like he'd tell me...hey I don't like that. good to hear!
h did express alot during c that he loves me..loved me etc. once again explained how he felt during the seperation..that he never did stop thinking about me...that as much as he would try to close his eyes and shut out his concern for me he couldn't...that he had a headache most every day.
as time goes on he will understand and be able to talk about more and more.
on the way home we talked some more...I let him know I'm not holding on to the a...that I'm not happy that it happend but I know something had to so be it.
I also expressed that I sometimes feel like what if he was "meant" to be with her and I was simply in the way a complication...h responded if he were meant to be with her he wouldn't be with me...I let him know I try to accept that. h understands my fears.
h is understanding love languages and is certain that he speaks acts of service...that was his way of knowing that he did love me. with that then I questioned if he actaully loved her (ow) h was unclear...said he doesn't know what it was that he fealt but with time and more understanding of things he will perhaps some day have a clearer explenation for it.
I did talk in c a bit about why I want to know if it was a pa....expressed that if it were somewhat of a pa it might help me a little...to at least know that maybe the physcial pulled the emotional and the emotional pulled the physical not that she was so wonderful that the emotions drove it all. (does that make any sense?)
so all in all I think it was a good session...I did let h know that I think things will only get better. h understands that the return of nice weather is reminding me of last year, so hopes to replace those bad memories with good ones.
I let h know that I felt bad for him during our sep...h said you shouldn't have felt bad for me...it was self inflicted.
I really think we are going to be ok...I don't know exactly what happend between h and ow but I believe it is over...h is comming to terms with it in his own time.
sorry this is so rambled but there's a lot in my head and I don't have the luxury of time to organize it.
so some quick possitives.
1. h did speak of going through a withdrawal (this would indicate ow is gone for real)
2. h told c many times over that he loves me.
3. when I asked h if the "it" he had been looking for was here..he said yes.
4. going to a farm today with the kids and their buddies!
5. emt class tonight no quiz woo hoo!
6. I'm starting to feel like it is ok to love h, ok I've felt it for a while but feel safer with each passing day.
What a wonderful night it must have been for you LL.
I think you should at least start the letter to Michelle. Many people here envy you.
You are a testament to patience and perserverence. I can only hope to be as strong and determined. I was ready to throw in the towel ten minutes ago. Now I have read this post and realize I can't give up. I must be patient and endure the lonliness and hope H is also thinking about us.
I know what you mean about the A. I sometimes think the PA would be easier to accept over the EA.
Quoting lostlove: h did most of the talking after that point...it was nice to hear him say the things he did...h expressed that each day things seem a little clearer to him but listen to this one SAGE! when things are going well his eyes open to more and more...he sees the wrong choices he made clearer etc...when we (or rather I pull him back to that time with questions or accusations etc) get pulled back to yucky stuff the fog returns.
this just makes so much sense! I'm glad he's opening up to you, LL. (and helping me out, too!)
Quote: how will we, he, or I keep this from happening again. h responded with it wont...he wont to that again (ow/leaving). I pointed out (as nicely as possible) that neither of us would have thought it would happen the first time so how other than simply saying it wont happen do we keep it from happening..ie if you (h) start to feel that way again what will you do? h responded that if I were doing something he didn't like he'd tell me...hey I don't like that. good to hear!
See? I don't need to go to MC with h (as if he'd go!). I 'll just live vicariously through you and h.
Quote: 6. I'm starting to feel like it is ok to love h, ok I've felt it for a while but feel safer with each passing day.
Fantastic!!!!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: I really think we are going to be ok...I don't know exactly what happend between h and ow but I believe it is over...h is comming to terms with it in his own time.
LL..hope you had a great 4th...so much to be thankful and happy for..we are all so happy for you..the rollercoaster seems to be slowing down a bit for you.
things continue to go well... haven't been posting much lately as I feel I'd be boring you all listing my positives...that is not to say that every once in a while I'm not bitten by the insecurity bug or the self doubt monster but I seem to manage to make sense of those feelings when they come about.
h seems happy, actually I think this is the first 4th of july weekend that h has taken completely off...I mean he actually hasn't left the house since thursday when he got home from work..ok there was a run to the store to get ice but other then that, here he has been.
it's been a nice weekend had a cookout fri then I showed everyone how nuts I am (ok their words not mine) by lighting off some awesome fireworks.
sat mil & fil came to visit and then h's buddie and w came to visit so more fireworks..
today (sun) it was just h the kids and I...it was an awesome day of just chillin out.
I did walk into at least one conversation that h was having with one of my friends about "us"....I got the scoop afterward but didn't get verbatum other than something like he adores me...it's not just the kids...it's me...oh and he also pleaded with my friend (who is male even if gay) that he "didn't do anything with her".
yesterday I said to h in plotting out the day that after I put dd to nap I would sweep him off his feet...h replied you already did that...I questioned when as I didn't think we were refering to the same thing (and obviously we weren't) his response was...a long time ago. (awww isn't that sweet)
so as I said things continue to progress in a possitive direction.
h making references to going away as a family at least once over the summer. seems all I have to do is plan it!!
still also making reference to just the two of us going away (someplace warm) in the late fall early winter.
when I get down as long as I realize that it's me that's getting down and allowing myself to get down I can get out of it much quicker.
something to keep in mind all you piecers and those who may someday be piecers...it's not always about you...looking for reasurance from your spouse is one thing but expecting it is another. make yourself happy!
Just venting, since tony has disappeared, watching movie and remembered all those drive inn movies we went to and never did see the movie. PMA down a notch today.
XW has moved in with OM,(3 hours away) and left my youngest(18) at an apartment at her business She is moving the business in sept when s18 goes to college.
I guess it is more important for her hapiness than to care about her last son.
Many people here envy you.
