Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Slow and steady wins the race... hopefully!

your not stupid at all, and there was nothing wrong with your text. I think you are right that he does not respond because he feels pressured. Don’t send another one because you don't want to add to that pressure plus you have nothing to apologize for.

I know what you mean about feeling like a failure, I feel that a lot. Sometimes I wonder if its love or fear of admitting failure that keeps me going. I know deep inside its love but I hate failing, and I hate the idea of trying to tell someone some day that I have already failed once. I guess it is what it is and I would rather fall flat on my face in failure then give up, and that goes for anything!!

(((Julia)))

I think the gift was a great thing. You are not a failure, although I can understand the feeling. I have that one too, and have had to question whether or not I am hanging on because I love my H, or because it is yet one more relationship I have failed at. It is because I love him.

Remember that this is a roller coaster, and we are sometimes at the top of the hill, with no where to go but down. It will start moving again, and you will be going up. Sometimes these WAS's just don't know how to handle the gesture. It has nothing to do with you.

Thanks guys, sometimes I stew things up to disproportionate levels. Luckily I leave work soon so will have a change of scene.

I won't contact him, I'll just leave it. I know it is pursuing. I need to give myself a slap sometimes!! I wsa really trying not to do this today. I suppose the good thing is at least I recognise that I am doing it and I am so grateful to have the board to vent to.

(((everyone)))

You summed up exactly how I feel JWS, it's so nice that I am not alone in those feelings.

(Raises hand) Ooo, I have, too! Big time. I'm so afraid of failure, I don't even like to admit that I am afraid of failure! Cause that's a failing!

Julia, you're not a failure. Your marriage does not define you. It takes two people after all. You are doing everything you can to save it, and even if ends up you can't, what you will have found out about yourself and what you take to your next relationship equals phenomenal success. So few people in the world even bother to fight for anyone, or change themselves, or change how they see relationships. You are a rare success, in other words. You family and friends all see this. And if you end up losing your marriage, it won't change that a bit.

This is a tough one to answer. I don't know if it is so much overcoming anxiety as acceptance in myself and my W and making a commitment to be th eperson I should. Once I have done that, there is little I can do....Ie. it is out of my hands and i no longer look at it as a failure

You are fine with the b-day message- just let it be and let him contact you...thats the hardest part...just do something so you arent waiting for him to reply GAL!

i agree- i know i have anxiety but when i accept my H no matter what and i think the best PMA my anxiety lessens...i use PMA thinking now when i think he will do/say something or i "interpret" something is "bad"- i will stop myself and say act as if everything is ok in his eyes...then it is ok...

also excercise daily is major.

it is all a discipline youa re doing great!

Hey Julia,

I agree with the others (and with what you thought)- don't send another text; just leave H to get back to you when he's ready. He will sooner or later. I know how frustrating it is to not hear anything back though. Keep being patient- you're doing brilliantly.

L. xx

Hi there I don't think I've posted to your thread before, but, I read it. Here are some thoughts I had. I think that we all struggle with continuing to do things that are part of who we are and at the same time trying to keep in mind the larger picture. You wanted to send him a birthday present and you did. The text wasn't loaded or pursuing, the card wasn't loaded or pursuing. I'm thinking that it was a good thing. Don't bring it up. Don't ask if he got it. You've thrown a love grenade over the wall. You don't need to see pictures of the damage

I struggled with saying ILY when I started LRT/going dark. Things seemed so unnatural and stilted when we would talk. I've finally compromised on saying ILY when it flows out naturally which is about 1 in 7 times we talk, and I do it because it's what I do. In the past, I would ask W, "Don't you love me to?" That, I quit doing.

I wish you all success.

Dan

Dan

Thank you so much for posting. Your love grenade analogy just really made me laugh!!

Julia