Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Alien invasion 3.0

Ah, then remove the scales from my eyes!

I've kinda been quoting St. Teresa of Avila lately, who said, "Lord, if this is how you treat your friends, no wonder you have so few!"

I know, this isn't coming from God, and who knows what he may be protecting me from that I'm not aware of. I just need some reassurance at the moment.

Thanks, Puppy.

Love this answer!

Hoosier,

I'm sorry for the short and seemingly flippant answer, but I'm serious. There have been SO many times in my life, including during my infidelity sitch last summer with my wayward wife, that I prayed SO hard, and thought that God just wasn't hearing my prayers.

Only to realize later that He was, only he was answering them in a completely different way than what I was expecting.

Yes, sometimes the "answers" never even did come, but so many other times, I could look back and see what I THOUGHT I needed at the time, would NOT have been best for me.

Pray for strength to do the right thing, and for courage to do it. Pray for wisdom, and for God to send you people and resources to help you do what He wants you to do.

I believe He will answer you, I really do.

Hang in there.

Puppy

Amen to that!

Thank you so much for the support. I just took a swan dive into my grief, I'm PMS'ing (sorry, guys), D is staying overnite with H, and it's just all hitting me at once. I did this about a month ago, so I know that part of this is hormonal and will pass quickly. And so I truly appreciate everyone's support.

You know, I'm not praying for anything in particular, mostly just "be with me" and "help." You didn't sound flippant at all. I just keep thinking about what I would tell someone in my situation during a pastoral visit, and yes--it resonates, it rings true. I know that God is weeping with me, is doing whatever He can do in this situation in which so many different people are making self-serving choices. Most of my ministry is just listening, being open to whatever God wants me to express to someone in pain, helping them not to feel abandoned, and a lot of staying out of the way. So I'm trying to do that for myself--listening, not telling God how I want him to help me (I can be pretty good with those kind of instructions!), and leaning on God. And he's sent me messages from y'all. Thanks for being messengers!

I should quit dwelling on this, but I probably need to do a little processing. Been trying to figure out what was so upsetting yesterday at MC and why I felt so betrayed. I think it was the attitude of the MC. Giving a lot of validation to H when he talked about not having a good place to spend time with D, since he's staying in some friends' converted attic. Well, that was his choice, and he's living with the consequences of that; why the "poor H" response? And her repeated reminders to me that "this isn't marriage counseling, it's about D12." Well, that may be the contract between H and MC, but I thought it was marriage counseling; if she's clearly observing that I'm very distressed and can identify that I have a lot of unresolved, unfinished emotional stuff--why is it ok to say that we can't deal with that in MC, and that I may never be able to resolve it? Why can she not facilitate that? H is getting everything he wants, and can't even be kind or honest with me; why is that an acceptable outcome? Why is he not accountable--to anyone--for his behavior? Why is it okay for him to keep blaming me for everything--and not get called on it? I think that's what I find most distressing about this whole MLC thing; everyone seems to agree that's what's going on, but no one is telling H he's behaving selfishly and inappropriately and causing emotional damage. It just mirrors what's going on at work--the bad guys won and now I'm supposed to make it all right for everyone.

H,

Do his parents know?

Puppy

No, they do not. I don't know when he's planning to tell them. They will initially go off on him, then--as Italian blood is thicker than water and he will lie--they will cut me off. This is what his brother and SIL have done. His parents aren't "normal" people; their world is very small, his dad is more narcissistic and childish even than H is, and his mom long ago surrendered any personality or will she has to her husband. I can't remember ever having had a real conversation with them. It's always 3 things: How's D, have I been busy at work, and did I work last night. I haven't worked nights for ~9 years. So I know where you're going with this, and believe me, I've considered talking with them but there would be absolutely nothing to be gained from it.

They will cut me off anyway; I've already lost my in-laws, and have asked that they always include D in family stuff because they are her only family. But my days of family holidays are over; I am grateful that we had them when D was little because she (and I) have wonderful memories.

Perhaps you should point out to the MC, that part of dealing with D, is how you and your H can get closure on his A and abandonment of his family, and move forward as amicable co-parents. And, until he speaks the truth, you will find it hard to trust him regarding D or finances, and certainly not be able to be on friendly terms.

Your MCer doesn't sound like a very good one ... certainly seems to be taking sides, and not tackling H on his 'honesty' issues.

Take care, HM, this is going to be a bumpy ride, I think.

I think that's a great angle to try.