I have images of an overweight woman looking bedraggled and sweaty. I haven't seen the photo, so I assume the worst. Hmm.. have to work on my PMA. A few folks have promised to give me the picture but I haven't seen it yet.
Thank goodness it's only red with a flash (and a wee bit o'bottle!). I let the stylist do whatever she wants. My job now is to keep the hair away from my face and hanging in the back (so you can see the length, rather than the straggles from flipping it to the front).
Such work it is to shave a few years off my looks!
Thanks for the compliment and most especially the hugs!
If somehow men did decide to approach me, I'd probably be all bristly and defensive. I haven't worn my wedding ring for years figuring you were either married or you weren't.. that a ring was just a ring. I think I was mad that spouse never wore his.
The one thing I do know is that I never looked at men as sexual beings. They were dads, friend's spouse, someone's brother, etc... never thought about age, availability. They were just guys. I never looked at the menu.
Now perhaps I look to where the menu is kept but can't imagine any involvement at this time. I see a wonderful widow in her mid seventies who's so loving and active. She never remarried after her husband's death about 10 years ago. I wonder about being alone. Then I mentally kick myself and focus on what is the now.
Perhaps re-entering the dating arena is a potent incentive for weight loss!
Last night was the first time I've dreamt of spouse since this whole thing happened. He wanted to talk to me, so we met outside a building where I was working.
He told me about how wonderful it had been when he first met her. I kept saying, "You don't date when you're married." ended up getting in a parked car where people were sitting and kept talking to spouse. My voice was vehement so we got out and kept walking. I tried DBing at one point. He was extolling her virtues and ethical standards of what she'd need to get married to him. By now I was standing on a couch (outside) and saying I wasn't interested and was not going to talk about anything to do with her.
The pathway looped around and I saw the directors of the play, other folks I knew just walking quietly nodding to me as they went by. I kept feeling like I was speaking, if not loudly, with emphasis. Everything that upset me was coming out. Then the phone rang which woke me up but kept the conversation going on in my head til I got up and started doing things to distract myself.
I cringed that my first thought when he initiated a meeting in the dream was that he was done with her and wanted to explore being with me again.
I think once before I had a 'yelling' dream.. speaking to my dad about his actions ages ago.
I hope it was a good thing.
Last night I was tempted to post my misery. I figured I was so tired from working so much on the play and not getting enough sleep that I was over tired.
I have no relationship with spouse. I do not email him, do not talk to him, I hear what he wants via the lawyers. He stopped depositing his check into the joint account to move the divorce along. He's now offering to deposit half the net income as a compromise. My lawyer asked me what I thought. After a quick run through with the numbers, I'd be able to pay the bills but not feed, clothe or do anything else for myself and the children. I had suggestions that perhaps he would cover our living expenses, then split the difference but kept the to myself. After all, the mortgage and household bills all reflect a partnership which he is severing.
Part of me was moping that someone who'd meant so much to me was so gone. I understand that dealing with him puts me in a bad place and I've entered the 'anger' portion of grieving. My answer was to go to bed, read "Codependent No More". I fell asleep with the book in my hand. Perhaps my dream of letting it all out was a good release.
I don't want that guy to be an thought I can't get rid of. I'll never like the fact that my/our family is being shredded.. but I have to accept and embrace that I have my own life beginning.
Oh yes.. and my sister-in-law invited me to a family BBQ for her mother's birthday. My first question was if they'd asked spouse. Apparently they had but he was too busy. I'll go up with the kids and bring back my niece and nephew to stay with me while their mom and dad go on a trip.
His family can be as loving as they can be toxic. I'm sure he's blowing them off if they don't invite his girlfriend (since his mother refuses to meet her). I don't want to get caught in that entanglement. I'm always willing to help, continue the goodwill and keep family ties for the good of the kids and what's good for me.
It's all weird.. but a learning curve. Who would have thought my 50's would be so interesting.
Reading positive books, like "Codependent No More" really helps me as I slough, slosh and hopefully avoid the near occasion of wallowing on this path.
Thanks for being my buddies, caring friends and support. Your words and encouragement support me in ways that go beyond words.
Thanks for being my buddies, caring friends and support. Your words and encouragement support me in ways that go beyond words.
I think this thought a million times a day. How would I get through this with any grace if I didn't have all of you in my life? I feel so blessed to know you, beautiful lady.
Those dreams are so jolting...
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Hope you had a nice today... you've been so busy lately (hooray!). My tummy is hurting me right now. I haven't been able to eat much, so I don't think it's anything I ate. Maybe nerves? My heart was pounding earlier, now that has stopped, but my tummy is icky. (I guess I'm seeking your motherly love, but don't worry, you're a hot mama!)
xoxoxoxoxox, R
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
The tanning is going great, I haven't started peeling yet, & hopefully wont. I keep slathering myself with aloe vera.
We head home tomorrow, so look for me more on Friday. H is going out of town Friday & Saturday again.
I'm just checking in on you. Making sure you're staying busy & out of trouble. Can I get your autograph now that you're a celebrity ? Keep reading good books. On the drive home I hope to finish the Highly Sensitive Person. I now understand why the kids endless taunting of each other drives me nuts.
Hugs.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I had to share this post from another thread... WOW!
Quote:
A year ago, I would have said that I had a lot of regrets....now, I would hardly say any. I think my one and only regret would be not living for myself and that happened long before my X started having an affair. I lived for him....I did what he wanted when he wanted....I was always worried about him being upset with me or unhappy. I've now realized that is no way to live.....you need to live for yourself....do things you want to do....say what you think. My X was broken and still is. He broke my heart, but he did not break me or my spirit.....that's the difference between he and I and that's the reason that I survived this...the reason that I rose above it....the reason I took the high road....and the reason that I turned into a better person while he pointed fingers and blamed everyone else for his problems and unhappiness....and still is.
In so many ways our sitch's are the same, but then again they are so different....so many factors and in the end it all depends on the character of the people involved....the WAS, the LBS, and the OP.
Time passes....people change....some for the better some for the worse. I made a committment to my X....that is why I stuck it out for 8 months while he was having an affair and living with OW. I never once said it was okay. I told him that he couldn't live in our house days after he disclosed the affair and refused no contact....he moved out the next day and never came back for more than a few days here or there. I did not shut the door on our marriage....but I refused to pretend that things were okay. I told him I WAS NOT GOING TO LIVE WITH HIM LIKE THIS....and that was the truth and I'm glad I said it. I've said many other things to him that I'm glad I did....he probably doesn't remember them, but I needed to say them for myself. I wrote him letters which I know we weren't supposed to do, but once again I needed to do it for myself.
We have been separated for a year and half now and if people would see us today, they wouldn't have ever believed that we were married. I married him because I loved him....I stuck it out for months while he was carrying on an affair because I promised to be with him through better and worse. I would have taken him back and he probably would have had another affair, so that is the reason that I say my sitch was one that wasn't meant to be. God has different plans for me and I wouldn't have realized that on my own....that's the reason that my marriage was not given a second chance. Some marriages are meant to be saved....some aren't. Some people can become better after this....some can't. The only person you can control or change is yourself....so start there and let the rest work itself out.
I saw a lot of you and me in this post. Love you, beauty!
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Keep reading good books. On the drive home I hope to finish the Highly Sensitive Person. I now understand why the kids endless taunting of each other drives me nuts.