Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Is W in MLC

Sounds right to me. And sometimes doing or saying nothing is the right thing. It's her gig. About the best you can do is say it isn't your choice, but that she can do what she feels she has to do.

Just a little hint. Don't use the word divorce. If she wants to use fine. For example, "I said my parents told me even if W and I D, they still love her and the girls and they were always welcome", change the wording a bit. You might say, my parents said no matter what happens you and the girls are always welcome. If you don't want it, don't say it. It can come back at you. I said it once and it came back at me.

And watch your anger. You are early on. It can sneak up on you at any time.

yenko, you really are doing well considering short a time you have been here.

IMP

Good advice on not using the D word. I will keep it out of my vocabulary unless I am at C.

I did go to IC today so that was not to bad. The C is still not sure exactly what is going on with my W right now. She did give some good advice when talking and sorting things out on a day to day basis with W.

C said W is hung up on the fact that I walked out on her emotionally and I waited this long to change. Which I did check out emotionally for awhile, it was baggage that came from a bad ending in a prior relationship. I also slipped way down into depression and could not get out of it. I could see what was going on but could not do anything. Kind of like watching a train coming at you and not being able to move. W's last ultimatum pushed me out of the way of the train.

W did call today and talked some. She said a friend's husband left her and was going over there to comfort her tonight. For some reason there is quite a few people we know that are splitting up. Kind of a big wave rolling around here.

From reading some of the other posts I will say I am pretty lucky. W and I get along well and talk pleasantly. There is no anger involved right now. We usually give a quick kiss goodbye when we leave each other.

Thanks for the compliment. I am doing so well because of reading situations on here and finding advice you and others have given. This place has really helped me out so much.

A big thank you to all of you.

yenko,

No one has ever seen us in the same room together. Much of what you wrote is very close to what I may have written a number of years ago.

* checked out emotionally - check
* C not exactly sure - check
* Talk pleasantly - check

Must be a guy thing.

Stay cool. Be patient.

And a good night to all.

IMP

Y
In the beginning, when we start DB and we practice more kindness and consideration with our WAS, they are amazed
I think they do appreciate it..after all other LBS may chose to never talk to Spouse again
It makes better sense to keep the doors open..It helps the kids and makes an unbearable situation have a purpose
Our internal growth
I wanted to change..I realized the mistakes I made in my M and right aftre bomb, it was important for me to make amends to H
I made amends to him by actively changing by validating him and thanking him for the things he did for me and kids
It worked well and he began talking to me much more than prior
we were friends
only problem is I really had expectations he would return and I couldnt understand how we seemed to talk so well and still he said he was never coming home
so your Kindness will help your W in many ways.. and it will help you more
It may help bring her home or not
one day you wake up and you have changed..you become what youve practiced and its been all for you
keep up the good work

Is that the truth. Sometimes it takes a h*ll of a kick in the *ss to get motivated.



That is my plan.

I imagine I will be around here for awhile even when my sitch gets resolved one way or the other. The knowledge some of you guys give is great. By some of the dates some of you guys should have whatever brought you here resolved enough to leave, but you stay and give advice. I know it has helped me and now I want to help others in my spot.

Have a good night.

Peace,

Thanks for the post. I have already seen a tremendous amount of change in myself so far. They are ones that I do like. Still work to do though.

When I was at the house earlier today I do a few things that needed to be done; unload dw, cleaned up a bit ect. I did think about why I did them later, since I don't live there. They were partially to help my W with some things, D11 lives there and to help me keep moving in the direction that I want to go in.

Funny how you can start doing the little things again. I saw a book today by an author that my W likes so I bought it for her. No real reason, just seemed like the thing to do. I just left it on the table when I was there earlier today.

I have read enough on here that I really don't have an expectation that it will work. I keep the faith and stand, but I also realize it may end up in D and try and keep myself grounded. I thought at one point it was going really well only to have her move positions again. That knocked me way down, so I just stay level and expect anything at this point.

I do know that right now we do have a friendship with each other. Whether it will lead anywhere I will just have to wait it out.
Thanks for the compliment. I will continue the good work until it is no longer an option, either by her or by me.

Of course, yenko, if you get into the habit of doing good work, you will continue to do so no matter what happens.

IMP

yenko
Those are all very thoughtful things you are doing for W and allowing D11 to see a really mature dad handle a very difficult situation
glad you are grounded and yes expect anything
peace

Went back to the house today to do some laundry and spend time with D11. I decided to mow the lawn while I was there. When the wife came out I asked her if she was going to work today, she said yes why? I told her so that I would know what time she would get home. I asked if she wanted to grill some chicken tonight. She said that she was not sure and did not want to give me false hope. I told her I was grounded in reality. She asked what that meant. I told her I did not really have expectations one way or the other. That it was just dinner. She said ok.

In the evening after dinner we went to softball practice. She was making some dumb remarks about me at practice. Just let it go.

When we got back to house had to talk about a few things. Asked if she wanted me rub out her shoulder and she said yes. She was trying to tell me about a technique to get under the shoulder blade and said that she would show me on D11. I said that maybe she could show me more massage techniques. She said that would be giving me false hope. I said that it would not, I am not expecting anything. She said it would. Let that go. She asked about IC and she asked if I said anything about her. I said that I thought she was confused (oops), She said that she was serious and then I just said I know and left it at that.

She does thank me for doing things around the house. I told her today that she has D11 and was trying to help make life a little easier for them.

I don't have much hope right now. I will still stand, but I think she is making steps away from me. It just seems you can feel the difference in the body language. I am trying to hold out until she gets back on her anti-depressants the way that she needs to be.

Just one of those down moments when you just feel like giving up. On the downhill of the roller coaster. Even with accepting the fact that it may not work out, still hurts. But tomorrow is another new day.

So begins a new day and a new fight. Did not sleep a whole lot, but did not take a real long time to pick myself up.

Something that struck me as odd is that W always asked about my IC. What we say about her. What we talk about, ect. I usually give a vague overall, but I do see an opportunity wasted. Any reason she would wonder so much about it?

I have an idea, but my head is a little cloudy right now.