Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Soul mate Part Deux

Gotcha.

ok mediation......We went last week. the lawyer (mediator) took both of our annual salaries, outstanding debts, bills, etc. and input them into the support calculator. she printed out a copy for both of us and said this is what would have to be paid should I agree to the D (which I didn't).

so it's been a week, and my wife just emailed the mediator(i got a copy too) asking for advice about drawing up separation papers since I haven't agreed to a divorce yet. she asked for any advice. I mentioned to wife "i'm confused as there's no legal separation in PA yet she wants papers drawn up" she said there's still a separation agreement that can be drawn up (note the word AGREEMENT)

W seems to think I owe her the monthly amount that the lawyer gave us for support at the consultation, even though I didn't agree.

well I received Divorce Remedy in the mail today. just made it through the first 130 pages. From all the posts I have read and the advice I have received on here already (THANK YOU) what I read in the book wasn't all new information or that surprising, but for the first month of our separation I could have really used the book. I pushed her away but constantly confronting her about our problems, telling her I loved her and missed her, and making every damn excuse under the sun to show up and be around her. things are different now; it's impossible for her to get a rise out of me, she is polite and civil (despite pending legal issues). I know change doesn't happen overnight or over days or weeks, but I have a better understanding of what I need to do to prepare myself to move on should that be the case. I know to leave her alone and stop calling. As Michelle states I am going to have to roll up my sleeves and do the lion's share. Funny how in order to do most of the work, I need to sit back and do nothing thanks again everyone. you are true saints.

from now on I will become a bit of a mystery, all while focusing on being a terrific dad.

Hey doing nothing sometimes is hard work! I have email issues, but have gotten better. And I think when you do 180s is when you really get a chance to do something.

That sounds wonderful!!! Karen

i definitely need to do work on the 180's but its discouraging when W wants to talk separation still. oh well....and the band played on. night everyone

And you thought we were just makin' all this stuff up . . .

OK, a few ideas to toss out re the divorce conversation :

How about "I want us both happy, and I am doing everything I can to be the person that finds that for both of us."

The key points there are that Buster is trying to make BOTH members of the union happy, relative to his wife (snap), and that he's giving 100% for that.

I don't think this would be taken offensively. Just key points to emphasize I think are that BOTH spouses should be taken into account AND that as much effort as possible towoard that end.

Guitar playing may end up with you looking jeuvenile. I am GUESSING that since your drug habit she is looking for maturity. You haven't confirmed that, but that's my assumption. She's also quite young, and young women usually look for that sort of thing in a spouse.

What you COULD do is offer guitar LESSONS to children in the neighbourhood.

1. Women like men who work with children (confirm this for me if you can girls)
2. She gets to see you play, but in a mature view, and its also social. I think isolating yourself to write her a song would be a bad idea.

The other thing you could do if you know other musicians is find some places to perform in the community, particularly at ChURCH.

The key thing is here is WHERE you play and of course, your choice of material is critical. You CAN make a go of that, but try to select MATURE band members, intelligent adult songs, NOT love songs. Don't play in some run down beer hall...play at church and schools and stuff.

Try to make the guitar playing a part of YOUR life, don't make it out to be a huge display of pursuit for her, it will backfire.

I think the teaching would be a good idea really...particulary if its for kids.

As for papers, ignore the threats until you HAVE to SIGN something. She's playing poker with you and right now she has NO CARDS and you KNOW it. Just call her on it and keep calling her until she's about to fold, then throw her a bone or two.

The threats of divorce and separation are just a smokescreen. She's trying to say "you hurt me and I am very anxious about how vulnerable I am to you still...so I need to put up a wall to protect myself" That WALL are threats of divorce, separation, affairs, and insults, outbursts etc.

Don't engage in relationship talk.

"Sorry, my lawyer is being very thorough. He doesn't want me to sign anything until he's confident we are both doing the right thing for our family."

I think something like that would be good. In short, if she pressures, you, just blame your lawyer and try to be sympathetic but not emotional about it. lol

You will likley find that Relationsihp Rescue AND Divorce Remedy overlap in many ways. I found I got more from both of them by reading them together..it gave me two interpretations of the same programe. McGraw and Davis are of the same mindset most of the time.

1. You need to work on you. Stop all the destructive habits you have been beating her up with for n years.
2. Each thought and action should be made to bring you closer to your spouse, not further away.
3. Show your souse the best you that you can be...inspire them.
4. Put you AND your spouse's interests at the same level. You aren't fighting for YOUR marriage you are fighting for your wife and family when they can't fight for themselves.

You should find them both helpful. Don't sweat your mistakes, don't even apologize to her for them. Just learn what you should have done instead and move on.

you have your community's support, your family, two years to stall, the law in your state is supportive, you have a child to keep her hesitating. All you need is time to wear her wall down and let her come out of that crab shell shes buried herself in.

Just nod pleasantly, but don't let her take advantage of you. She's going to lie and try to intimitate you into a mess like she is. Don't let her do this, be the rock. Show her what a man is made of, that cowardly child she's doting on will gradually look like a chump.