In my snippet convo, I didn't add when he brought up the 4th, I said again what a good time it was...yes, he had a great time, even though "I knew I knew the only reason you didn't head down to the marina was b/c I pushed it."
I did my best to keep it positive & stop the spiral, w/out giving up anything that would lead to "Good, back to status quo, I don't have to give up anything."
Tomorrow I was planning on being here when he comes for S5, keeping to kids stuff/logistics only, no R or happy talk. Maybe heading out the door for something, etc.
Same old stuff from H just with a bit more Bluster LOL . It is so good that you kept calm and got your points across without WW3 starting.
This sort of comment
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"I knew I knew the only reason you didn't head down to the marina was b/c I pushed it."
is just hot air , not even worth defending yourself on or responding to.
There is some telling stuff in what he said , the " Boat Boy " made me laugh . Your H is jealous , therefore the need to give him a belittling name. Your H does not like the idea that you may move on at all.
I realy feel a bit like the blind leading the blind with this but do feel that next time he trys to draw you into one of these conversations you just say something like.
H I have heard your point of view , but i have previously clearly stated what I expect, here is S5 see you later.
I loved the convewrsation. I also agree with Dave: your H is so jealous hence the childish name calling. It's all about him isn't it? What is it with these WAS that they think it's ok for them to "move on" but as soon as the LBS even looks like they are the WAS flips a switch!
I also like Dave's idea of not engaging in one of his endless convos. You've heard it all before and do you really need to hear it for the upteenth time? No right? I think those convos are cheeseless tunnels and they resolve nothing.
Good job on staying calm and cool. Your H is def. going to implode or better yet explode LOL
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Same old stuff from H just with a bit more Bluster LOL .
I just love you Dave!
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I also like Dave's idea of not engaging in one of his endless convos. You've heard it all before and do you really need to hear it for the upteenth time? No right? I think those convos are cheeseless tunnels and they resolve nothing.(Jen)
You're both right, same ol' stuff.
My reasoning;
-Let him finally have to leave a VM that doesn't have to do w/S5, & wait a week to talk to me in person.
-Return the call quickly, b/c he won't be expecting it. (He sounded shocked)
-Show how calm & cool I am, no emotion.
-Let him know where I stand on the OW in the neighborhood (b/f he signs a lease) & that I don't want kids exposed to person that would start R w/ married man & father. I didn't do this at all for the last year, in fact, almost the opposite & it wasn't helping any.
-Mainly, b/c after talking to CVA & him telling me what he would think of his W being w/ another man, as double standard as it is, I thought it was better for him to know that we're just friends. It's true, although he may not believe me, there's at least doubt now.
So, I know I said I was going to be here tomorrow for the S pick up, I've changed my mind. I've said enough & can now go back to dark, he only needs to see a little light from me right now.
Haven't gone through your whole topic but think it sound similar to mine. Separated 9 months, just found out about OW. Think it is too soon anyway, but not my choice obviously. My problem is the exposure to the kids, and now to me. I knew it would happen eventually and I would have the pain of facing it, but OW has been at his father's for the last 2 days I picked up the kids. Left him a VM tonite stating that he could do me a favor by having the courtesy/decency to let me know OW is there and I will pick up the kids around the corner. This will keep my stomach from dropping every night. I just don't want it in my face, is that wrong? I have tried my best not to say anything bad about OW or the situation in itself. Yesterday I even introduced myself to her and shook her hand-extremely hard. H has not even acknowledged her existence in any form-friend, OW, etc. And come to find out she has spent more than one overnight with my kids - at least one in a tent. Lawyer says I can do nothing about stopping the exposure. That is what I am mainly concerned about the whole thing. Sigh, just another thing I have no control over.
So as I see you have mentioned, I am going to try and go as black as I can to try and avoid contact with H as it only causes a distruption for me to the life I am trying to have alone. This at this time is just too much for me to handle. And, who gets involved with a married man, even if they tell you it is over and they have seen a lawyer? Guess you would have to be someone who has gone through such a thing like us to understand that, huh?
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
but do feel that next time he trys to draw you into one of these conversations you just say something like.
H I have heard your point of view , but i have previously clearly stated what I expect, here is S5 see you later.
Dave
Very good, I will use that Dave.
Clips from another thread for focus;
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You are right that things could totally have been different had my H known about the OM sooner. In fact he said he would have kicked into action if I had told him that I was even considering it. I always try to think about what I would have done if.....that's how I try to help you when I post to you.
Sounds like you have a good plan. Just make sure that you don't give her everything. DOn't make it so you and her still have a R and that fulfills her completely because she will still get what she needs from you, and also from the OM.
Time for follow through and matter of factness. Continue to say "Ok, so since you are going to continue your affair, etc."....or, "Ok since you've decided to continue cheating on me, etc." No more nice guy, just politeness. No more making lunch and "how is your day" and nice emails. This will not help you. Start implementing the time when she has the kids and time when you have the kids so that they don't have to see this. She needs to feeeeeeeeeeeeel this, h4h. She is not feeling it. (From WDID to H4H)
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Originally Posted By: whatdidido YOu say things get tense when you are short with her and then when you do the littlest thing she is better. Sure she is. She's thinking "whew, he is going to make this easy on me." When my H made it easy on me, I continued the wrong path.
Thanks for stopping by. I'm sorry you're having to go thru this painful time. Was OW in the picture before you separated? I'll try & get over to your thread to get the info. later today.
Also, curious about this;
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Yesterday I even introduced myself to her and shook her hand-extremely hard. H has not even acknowledged her existence in any form-friend, OW, etc.
Just wondering why so friendly?
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And, who gets involved with a married man, even if they tell you it is over and they have seen a lawyer?
Apparently no shortage of willing candidates.
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Guess you would have to be someone who has gone through such a thing like us to understand that, huh?
I guess you don't know what you don't know (or are willing to overlook for your self-interest)
I know I look at thing's differently now, though I had opportunities to be w/married men & didn't touch it.
Don't know what to say. I would try to somehow "kill" the power stuggle pattern. If your goal is to be happy together, you need to break this. Be free from it. Make him look stupid for doing it, so he can finally act reasonably and not react to what he thinks you are doing. He seems blinded by ... anger? urge to be right? need for control? I am not sure I can explain it properly.
Being firm and stop reacting to his BS is a way to that direction. Is there any other way you could take his "guns" from him? Just my 2 cents, I am amazed by you two guys, "like a dog and a cat in love" as we say... K
I am amazed by you two guys, "like a dog and a cat in love" as we say...(Kalni)
You have so many great Greek sayings K, one for every event!
Well, they do say you can introduce anything but another cat into a household where one is already present, otherwise there's going to be trouble.
We fit the dog & cat profile more & more, as I go off to do my own thing & he follows, sniffing around & marking his spot.
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Is there any other way you could take his "guns" from him?
Forcing them from his hand wasn't working, asking him nicely to please aim away from the heart wasn't either. I've only now discovered they were cap guns.
H came by the house to P/U S5 for dinner (S16 was out).
Had him ready at the front door when I saw him arrive, but he walked around him to sit down & talk to him a while.
I stayed in another room, left shortly after them, & returned for S's bedtime.
No problem keeping it "only the kids" b/c I didn't feel anything. Even when I pulled up to the house, I had forgotten he was there & his car startled me. Strange.
but he walked around him to sit down & talk to him a while.
Waiting for you to appear I guess.
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I've only now discovered they were cap guns.
Too Funny LOL
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Even when I pulled up to the house, I had forgotten he was there & his car startled me. Strange.
Know the feeling . I have arrived home to see W's Car and thought " I dont have the energy for you today " .
(((Sunny))) You are doing well , but how are you feeling inside? Are you now focusing on how to bring happyness into your life without H ? You may already be there but I am tired and cant be bothered reading back through your posts LOL. Forgive me if I am asking the obvious.
