Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Ken's situation - Live-in WAW

My situation is so similar to so many people on this board. It surprising and saddening to see so many people caught in the same mess.

I've been married for six years and basically got caught up in not paying attention to the relationship as much as should have -typical DAM syndrome.

We started MC back in January and my wife started having severe panick attacks. We eventually stopped going for a number of reasons. Then in the beginning of April we had a blowout and she tried to kick me out of the house. I ended up on the couch for a few days then back into the bedroom. This was quite an awakening for me to see what I had done/didn't do and the mess it created. Although I know we both had issues that created the mess we were in, the focus was completely on my part in it.

I found out about DB back then and picked up the book. Of course, it was after I made the typical mistakes of chasing, cards, I Love You's, the crying, begging etc... you all know the drill.

A few times I left and stayed at my brother's house. Usually after one of R talks that got out of hand. I realize me leaving sent an opposite message than what I was trying to give. Leaving sent the message that I would run when things got hard.

I love my wife. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. The roller coaster of emotions have been very hard on me. I really don't have anyone to talk to about it on a regular basis.

I've been diagnosed as Bipolar with anxiety and depression issues. I'm currently on Abilify (for bipolar) and Lexapro (for anxiety and depression). These other mental health issues seem to make it even harder for me to come to terms with what's been going on with me and my wife.

We have two kids, D2 and S5 and we are living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed. We are going to marriage counseling and she's starting IC next week. I am currently in IC have just barely begun addressing my own issues relating to this
sitch. Most of my IC has been with a psychiatrist trying to get the meds right.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just broken and how could anyone actually want to be with me under these conditions. I've done some 180's with helping with the kids, taking care of more of the household stuff, trying to find ways to get my wife some rest time because she works so hard.

I got the ILYBNILWY a while back. But she has also expressed to me that she loves me and she wants to try and work through these issues. It may seem obvious by her actions of going to MC and IC and staying in the house that she's wanting to work on the marriage, but I seem to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. The day she tried to throw me out came out of left field so I find myself wondering if that will happen again.

I feel like we've recently drifted further apart over the past few weeks.

I feel like I'm going through a mourning process. I guess I'm grieving the loss of my relationship. I've also been obsessing with thoughts, taking no action on those thoughts and trying to be upbeat and positive around her.

It's hard keeping the rest of my life together and it seems like the crap with my relationship sitch is affecting the rest of my life. I'm not sure if that's normal or if I'm having an emotional over-reaction to what's going on in my relationship.

Recently she saw me reading His Needs/Her Needs and she asked me if I thought she was having an affair. I said absolutely not. It's just a book for me to improve myself. She then said whatever you try will fail because I'm not ready to connect to you. She said I love you and I don't want you to feel like you're failing if you're trying things to connect to me and you see they aren't working.

Anyway, I apologize if the post seems disjointed. I just wanted to introduce myself and get some support here. I've been lurking for a few weeks and decided it's time to jump in. It seems like such a great community with so many people giving great support and advice to each other. Thanks for listening.

Ken

(((Ken)))

I'm with you, buddy. My WA H is in the house but very distant and considers us separated. Very hard I know. At least she tells you she wants to work through this. I still get that he doesn't know if he wants to until he figures things out in his own head.

Thank God the weekend starts today. I need to go out and GAL for real starting today.

Thanks for the response Wifey. She hasn't verbalized wanting to work through this in some time now, but her willingness to go to MC and IC seem to be a strong indicator of it. Sometimes I think she is struggling with what to do. It's hard not knowing what the future may hold, and I'm terrific at negative projection..lol.

I was wondering if anyone has any good advice about what to do during the MC sessions. Do I just let her vent and I validate? Do I talk about my current feelings? Do I just let the MC move it along and I just go for the ride? Not sure about it and was hoping someome here has some experience with it. Our next session is on Monday. It will be the 3rd session. First two where getting to know the situation type of sessions.

Thanks.

Ken

And have a nice time GAL'ing Wifey. And thanks for the hugs.

God, sure wish my h would go for mc! I would tend to let the MC lead you guys. Let her do as much talking as possible, though. The MC has experience in these things. Us mere mortals can muck it up pretty good.

First of all 100% total honesty as you understand the situation as regards to yourself. On her side of the story, I would recommend that you make an extreme effort to be quiet and let her talk. I know that my WAW was not totally forthcoming, but I let that pass and I am glad that I did. If she is not forthcoming and open, it will likely only hurt you if you attempt to show any dominance.

I am still trying to get the WAW back to MC (we went twice together and 3 times each individually). She is starting to warm to the idea of going back. She told me more than once that if I had tried to correct her or say things she was not ready for, the sessions would have been over immediately and she would not be considering going back now.

My WAW is still in a lot of pain and hurt that I don't necessarily understand but it is improving. I see glimpses that the hold by the alien abductor is waning.

Best of luck. It sounds like you are already in good shape.

Still, work on yourself and make yourself the best person that you can be. Take pride in how you look and how you treat other people. Empathy is a powerful character trait whether to your wife or other people.

Hi Ken, I would agree with the others & their advise. I would just add in MC and however it goes, try not to take things too personal. I believe, in all relationships, that you may not agree with what someone says, but it is important to "try to understand their point of view". I would also say, that if reading gives you comfort, then keep doing it! I have read many books on relatonships, depression, egos, self esteem and I have found comfort and knowledge in them. Many times, I have not had the opportunity to impliment their suggestions (nor was it the appropriate time). But, I have a new found interest & find psychology very interesting. Good Luck!!

Ken,

I can't even get my w to talk. You just got to work on you and read and read and try to understand how they are feeling even if they dont know themselves. You can't take this personally because the same things are happening to loads of people on here. You may have had apart to play in getting here but at least you are trying to do something about it.

I've been a DAM but didnt know it and am trying to change.

How do you suddenly try to GAL when for a long time W was your life? You just have to!

Its really hard when they are still at home. So close in the same bed but a million miles away emotionally.

Keep scanning these posts and you will be amazed by the good advice and warm generous souls out there.

Wow,

Thanks for all the feedback. This is such a great community. My sitch has already changed in the past few days.

My wife has asked me to leave the house to give her a break. I went into a major depressive episode (BiPolar) and was oozing desperation even though I was bascially leaving her alone. It was totally stressing her out. We worked it out with the MC and I'm now staying at my brother's house for two weeks. All contact is to be initiated by my wife.

I have my son's birthday party on Wed and we are going to a wedding together on Friday. The MC told us to set one night as a date night so the wedding was a good opportunity to do that.

My psychatrist put me on a stronger anti-depressent and a different bipolar medication. I wonder though, how much of this depression is being caused by the emotional stress of having a WAW who told me she was so emotionally unattached that she didn't care if I found another woman and how much is a brain chemistry issue.

It seems the stress of my sitch plus the mental issues are really making it difficult to work through these issues. I know from DB that detachment is the best remedy and I'm trying to work on that now that I am no longer physically inside the sitch. My focus is now on me and what I need to do to balance out and GAL. It's been very difficult.

One thing I want to add in my is that I've had my In-Laws living with us for the past 7 months and they are desperately looking for a house. The marriage counselor told my wife that her parents need to leave the house because it's causing alot of problems with our marriage. Her father is a full blown alcoholic who drinks all night long and her mother is a complete enabler. It's quite a mess. My wife agreed that they have to leave and even told her mother they need to move out.

Our MC is terrific. She even said we should view the seperation as a mental health break rather than a marriage break. It's a bit hard because there are no guarantees. My fear is it will turn into a permanent seperation. But it is giving me an opportunity to work on myself without outside distractions or the stress of seeing my wife every day.

The past week I was in a major depression and was becoming paralyzed in all areas of my life. I know this is completely unattractive to a woman and I'm glad the new meds seem to be totally reversing that.

I am a good, kind, gentle but strong man. This I know. I just haven't been grounded out in that for some time. It's time to get back to the person I trully am. The man she fell in love with.

One other note I want to add, I quit drinking when I was 24 and didn't drink at all for 17 years. My wife didn't drink during this time either. Then a few years ago I decided to start drinking so we did. I could see how alcohol has affected our relationship and alot of the major fights and problems started when we began drinking together.

I told her I was going to stop drinking again because I felt it has a negative impact on us. Besides the fact that I'm not supposed to drink at all on the meds. I walked into the kitchen on Sat. night and she was having a glass of wine. She looked up at me and said, "I'm sorry about the wine." I said, "Why are you sorry?" She replied, "Because I want to support you. When you come back home I won't be drinking." So I take this as a positive that she still wants to move forward and work on the relationship.

Sorry this post is so long. Alot has happened in the past few days.

Thanks again mrz99, MsMelancoly and Kenny for the feedback.

Ken

I would be so happy if my W and kids are with me. They live far from where I live and I haven't contact her and kids for 9 days.
I don't know how they live or what they do at all. I even don't know if she is having an affair. Basically, I don't have clue.

All I can say to you is that your situation is not bad at all at least right now. However, you should prepare yourself in worse case. Your R gets better or worse as times go by. Our way to dealing with both are same.. Detach, GAL and be happpy with yourself. It's easy to say and I'm far from that. I got deperessed and axiety attack almost everyday and it's very hard to go through a day.

Work on yourself and give her space. You still have a lot of hope atm. A lot of people in this forum could give their arm or leg to get in your situation.

I'll pray for you and your family!

Thank you happysomeday. I know my situation is alot better than many people on this board. I'm trying to stop a downward spiral and am trying very hard to keep the focus directly on myself.

As everyone here knows it's a difficult situation to be in no matter which phase we are in. It seems that detachment is the underlying theme and that's exactly what I'm focusing on now. That and GAL. It seems I have an unhealthy attachment to my wife due to my family life as I was growing up and I'm addressing that through counseling.

The new meds are really helping my mental state and I hold onto hope pretty well.

The fact is I can't control my wife's feelings or the situation - the only thing I can control is myself and make the positive changes needed to make me a better and happier person.

Interacting on this board is a huge step toward making me a better person and the give and take here is phenomenal. I'm glad I find myself here.

Thanks again for the feedback. The reminder that the situation could be much worse always helps.

Ken