Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse Really upside down #2

UD,

You can't MAKE things happen the way you'd like them to happen.

Of course, you're always free to try anyway, which apparently you did. Just don't be surprised when the outcome is just plain ugly.

Since when was this situation about YOU? Did YOU initiate the separation? Are YOU the one who wanted out?

For crying out loud dude, you are slowly but surely blowing your relationship up with your impatience, insecurity, and fear.

And no, past relationship problems are NOT an acceptable excuse for utter stupidity.


No, I don't think she's without fault, and I don't think that her actions are fine.


But that's the whole point. SHE has the issues. SHE drives the bus here on timing and content.


But you refuse the allow her that opportunity.


Showing that in the end you are more concerned about yourself than you are her.


Too bad.



Blessings,

bill

I spoke in anger...at myself.

Sometimes, I get to that point where I gotta stop the BS, and that was last night.

How many times does she have to tell me that I do the same thing and that is why she feels like she does?

I'm confused what you mean about "when did this become about you, did you initiate the separation..." No, I'm not, but I'm too stupid to understand the point of asking those things of me? Is it because going dark and not speaking/initiating is the wrong thing to do?

I think I should still initiate, but do so and let it be stress free, and simple, like my intention last night.

She said the following, apologizing twice for hanging up quickly on the phone:

"I apologize for being short last night, but I don't know how else to get my point across."

The way I responded (I can finally see) was controlling and wrong:

"I understand. I want to think that other guys aren't hitting on you, and that you don't want that because you would rather work things out with me, but I can't worry about it anymore. I'm letting go. I told you that you know how to get ahold of me, but I'm not really interested unless that means you want to try. It is totally uncomfortable to put my trust in you given the situation, but it needs to be done if anything is going to move ahead.

You want to get your point across? Meet me halfway and do something that is uncomfortable for you by opening up and letting me in."

Best part is that I see where I should have stopped. I should have stopped at "I understand"

She responded to this (not surprisingly) with:

"I will not do that untill we can talk without getting caught up in the same conversation all the time."

I'm going to respond with "Understood."

Should I say anything more? I was thinking of praising her for making the decision to go to my cousin's bridal shower, since she had expressed anxiety over the uncomfortableness she would feel.

UD-
yeah, that's the best way to respond. short and to the point. MY W and i still have the same convo ovr and over again. I'm not sure why...almsot as if one of us needs to see things from the others point of view...

it's ok. just don't initiate. SHe's in control. let her be. If she wants to talk, let her. validate. etc. If she doesn't, don't force it. Can't force it. WIll drive her further away....

So what do you do? You call her up to have a simple conversation, and allow her lack of communication to push you right back into the behavior she has already told you she has a problem with.


You are not capable right now of keeping ANY conversation from turning in to a talk about your grievances with this woman.


You are supposed to be winning her back. You are supposed to be showing her that you are the one man that she cannot live without. You are supposed to be showing her that you have been working on those issues that you knew needed fixed in your behavior. You are supposed to be showing her that your love for her is unconditional, not predicated on her responding in some particular way.


Notice the word "showing" in those statements above. Not telling.


She's not interested in your words. Because your words contradict your actions.


You don't TELL your spouse that you're letting go. You do it. And the fact that you're telling her those things is further evidence that you are NOT detached in a way that allows you to have a friendly conversation with her.


This is a viscious circle in the communication between the two of you, and you are going to have to find a way to stop it before one or the other of you eventually says "the hell with it" and ends this relationship.


Yes, I think it's THAT serious.


I know you have checked in with Neilh in the past. Take a look at Mulesqb. Go read other threads by guys who are successfully putting the focus on themselves and attempting to approach their spouse from a position of love and friendship.


UD, your wife suspects that the only thing on your mind is suspicions of her being involved with others. She believes that every conversation from you comes at her with the hidden agenda of wanting to find out that she is betraying you with another. And THAT is why she is closed up to you. THAT is why you get short answers to seemingly harmless questions.


And you can change that. But it's going to take time and, as she has told you, CONSISTENCY in your interactions with her to begin to build a foundation of trust in you from her part.


And look, I'm not ignoring her contributions here. But as I've told you before, what she does or chooses to do is not something that you or anyone else can control. She will do what she does.


You are supposed to be looking at making inroads back in to her life. She is already on a path away from you, or she would not have left in the first place. Your job is to get YOUR act together, be honest about the issues that have driven the two of you apart, and start fixing those things. And it starts with your attitude and self control.


That's why this is hard work.

And that's why so many choose to just quit instead.

There are no guarantees. You may do all this hard work and still not get a resolution that you are happy with.

Well, I was wrong, there is one guarantee. If you choose NOT to do the hard work, there is little to no chance that she becomes a part of your life again.


Blessings,

Bill

I know what was happening. DB gave me hope. It said "make some changes, and monitor the effects."

I made some changes. Good changes. Changes she saw and made comments on. Where I slipped was looking for more than what she gave me in response.

I am a talker. I don't know HOW to keep things short, or see that short responses don't mean disinterest. I need to learn that.

Update: I praised her for accepting the invitation. She said "Thanks, it's going to be hard"

Validate!!!! Ideas other than "I understand?" I'm wearing that one out.....How about "I hear ya on that. I know you'll be fine, though, because they will be excited to see you"

YES BUT YOU WERE NOT CHEATED ON BY THIS WIFE. And by refusing to not be fooled again you are treating this wife as a cheater and your snooping, spying and accusing is pushing her away and now out of your life step by step. You are creating a repeat situation of the first wife, even though this one has not cheated you are still creating the same scenario and you are ruining this marriage.

Tink
P.S. What would happen if this wife, somehow, found out that you have been and are spying on her emails?

She has not cheated on me. You're right. Her ex-bf came into the picture and told her that she was the "love of his life" and now this other friend of her cousins asked for her phone number (and cousin felt that was a good thing). She has had phone calls from guys that when I answer, they get weird, she has a guy that lives out of state that feels weird when I'm around.

I've simply had to deal with all of these guys being sharks and looking for a way in, all while keeping my own insecurities in check. She gets defensive about it. That doesn't help.

Bottom line - she is a very attractive girl, and guys know our marriage is on the rocks, so they are now trying to get in while things are weak.

I brought up concerns over emails that I saw when she was living in the house that concerned me because other guys were flirting with her and one even asked for nude pics. I told her I wasn't comfortable with that and she diffused everything by saying it was a joke and then turned it around on me for snooping. I admitted that snooping was not the best thing to do.

I guess I expected that if I told her how I felt about all this, she would understand and try to make things better, but instead she gets defensive, leading me to think there is a reason for her to do so.

Like I said, I am trying to just relax and let go. It's the only way I see this working since she can't even talk to me.

Yes and this is all happening now because of your actions because you are driving her away. Your fear is creating the exact situation you are trying to avoid through your dishonesty and control issues.

Tink

I'm not going to go quite so far.

I'm not familiar, like you are, with all the contact she has has with and from other men.

I will tell you that in a marriage I find it incredibly dangerous to have opposite sex "friendships" that do not also include your spouse. So I would have big issues with my wife corresponding in any way with guys that I do not know. And an email that asks for nude pics would create a SERIOUS issue.

So I'm going to go with you on this topic and say that clearly she has some issues with handling relationships with other guys in an open and responsible way.

That being said, I'm not sure this is an issue that you can reach resolution on when you are already separated. Hell, my ex felt like once she stepped out of the house it was perfectly fine to bed the first guy who came along, marriage be damned.

This is a marriage counseling type of issue, and yeah, maybe one that you guys should have settled long before you were even married.

And as for the snooping, you know as well as I do that it both violates her trust and puts you in the position of being a fellow bad guy, as her response to you showed.

If you can't trust her without snooping, why would you want to be with her? You want to live that way the rest of your life?

At some point you have to let them go and trust that they will do the right thing. I know this is made harder by your previous experience, but you should never have entered a marriage with another if you were still reeling from the last betrayal. Now that you have, she deserves the presumption of innocence until she betrays that.



Bill