My XH is like that too. He comes by and will be sitting on the sofa or using the computer when I arrive. It's like he's waiting for me but when I suggest he come by he says "I don't think that'd be very healthy" WTF.
There is a poster (not sure who) who's WAH/MLCer keep coming around because he wanted to maintain some sort of connection to her and the family...they're back together now.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Mine does the same. Comes in here, works on my PC, uses my bathroom, naps on my bed/couch etc etc. These last weeks, I stopped that without even saying a word. He doesn't like it. Today when he picked up the kids, I didn't offer coffee, got them ready and said, "time for you guys to go have fun" and showed him the door.
Well, I guess that's what divorce is all about, right? K
I'm not done with mine so I love it when he comes by. He too naps on the sofa, gets something to eat or drink from the fridge, uses the computer, uses the bathroom, showered once or twice, watches TV when he wants, drops by unexpected etc.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
If that behaviour was not so tragic it would almost be funny. he still wants control and it comes from insecurity . If your H was 100% happy about what he was doing and the path he was on why does he need to check up on you ? I sometimes think that we (the LBS's) are still that safety net and they want to think that there is a chance they can come back if they get it all wrong. I know thats a role I have carried for long enough . My W has always had me to pick up the pieces , when she has crashed the car, broken bones , her first A etc . who was there to help her through?
I am kind of thinking along what Gypsy has said . perhaps not as drastic as changing locks , but I would be stating that he should not be in your house while you are not there.
Oh and in saying that I am hopeless in setting boundaries. W was here when i got home yesterday on the couch in front of fire watching TV , did not leave until 10pm.
When I heard from my lawyer that spouse's 'girlfriend' wanted her (their) address kept secret because she was afraid I would harass her, I was astounded.
Why would I do that? What would I get out of that? What example would that be to my children? He was the problem, not her.
I figured that a person who worried about being harassed would be most likely to harass. Their relationship was built on dishonesty. What would keep her from entering my home?
That's when I changed my locks, after okaying it with the lawyer. Spouse no longer lived here. When he'd come in he'd move around the house like he did. I had no sense of privacy, especially when he'd rush upstairs, not respond to me calling him and come back downstairs with something wrapped in a jacket.
Why would I allow someone I didn't trust easy access to my home? The kids were taken aback but it was my boundary. My way of feeling safe. I hated locking doors but I did.
Perhaps the hardest part of holding onto that thread of 'hope' is when I realized deep down inside that I no longer trust him, his actions, his word. And he does nothing to change that.
Oh and in saying that I am hopeless in setting boundaries. W was here when i got home yesterday on the couch in front of fire watching TV , did not leave until 10pm.
Dave, I laughed out loud when I read this p.s. to that great post of yours So much easier for all of us to know what is the best thing to do; soooo much harder to follow through on it in our own lives, eh?!
I think I would benefit from a little advice at this point after yesterday's events.
H started called S16 & me early yesterday wanting to have my nephew, S, or one of S5's schoolmates join them for the day. I didn't respond to VM, wanted him to feel the effects of his choices.
When I did call to find ETA of S5, he answered the phone extra friendly, but wanted to know everyone's where-abouts & reasons why they didn't join them for the day. I just responded with a short "they had other plans", which didn't have warm response. Why does he want to be with my friends & family so much?
At the drop off, I'm once again friendly enough, but detached, & walk straight to the door. He then tells me he's found a place to rent in the neighborhood, the lease will be available to sign next week.
I said, Okay, I don't know how we got here, but I guess this is where we are just the same & started walking towards the door. He says "I don't either."
Out comes the bar stool, & him asking what I thought about that.
I said my thoughts hadn't changed....it's a little too close, I don't care to have his affair in my area & it tells me we're ramping thing's up. Do what you want to do though, & I'll have the offer checked out by my L.
He lets me know that he doesn't want to have any interaction with "Boat Guy" either.
After saying that he doesn't know any other options, he can't keep living in our little cottage any longer (14 months), he wants to know if I can see any.
After a long pause, I said, "You could end your affair, have your S, your wife, & your house."
He tells me he's going on a trip Thursday-Sunday. I wonder what the connection is & ask if he's going alone.
He says, Yes, not that he has to answer that though. "Well, no, you really don't. If you are though, then I will proceed & file myself."
His eyes got teary, got up, joked around w/S5 ("Your mom thinks I do stupid thing's sometimes." with a big smile at me), turned around & left.
So, at this point, I think that he would continue to lead his double life indefinitely. I know that I have to follow thru if he elects to move his affair over here, or goes on another vacation together.
I have a feeling that I'm now following a script of my own & might not be looking at this with the clearest mind.
So much easier for all of us to know what is the best thing to do; soooo much harder to follow through on it in our own lives, eh?!
)...back to Dave's earlier comment though...