It's a video of people expaining the concept of "The Secret". I've heard the book is better but the video is a quick overview for people like us who need to learn something fast LOL
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Okay, so I am feeling very insecure right now. I've been thinking that H is only being nice and spending a bit of time with me because he doesn't want to rock the boat regarding our financial issues and our daughter. I am feeling this way because when he moved out he told me that the only reason he had been telling me he loved me every night before we went to bed was because "he wanted to keep the peace". So because he's been out of town and I have so much time on my hands to think...this is what I've come up with. I can't figure out what the sex deal is...other than the fact that I'm just familiar to him and he feels guilty and doesn't know how to turn down my sexual advances.
I'M SO CONFUSED!!!
He did call today on his way home from his training. He called me at work (I had a missed phonecall at work and on my cell phone from him yesterday as well) which is something he didn't really need to do and started with "you finally answered the phone". We had a short convo about his training and I congratulated him for doing so well. He ended with saying he would be back to his house late tonight and he would call tomorrow and hopefully be able to see our daughter. So is that why he called me at work...just to basically find out about our daughter or did he actually want to speak with me??? Miss me maybe??? I doubt it...but I so wish he did
When we've ML recently he's been very responsive and in the heat of passion even admitted to dreaming about me....I can't figure out what to think.
You know the sex thing I've come to believe just doesn't quite fit in the neat little DB package as some other topics. I truly think it has to be up to you. What emotionally you are able to take, if you feel good after it. If you feel used in anyway, or if he feels badly afterward, you might want to rethink it.
For my sitch, it was a 180 for me TO pursue him in that area, and I honestly think that my doing that helped keep that physical connection when everything else was lacking. And JUST recently after 3.5 months am I just now starting to see the slightest emotional connection starting to reappear. I'm convinced that if I had cut all that off, we might not be where we are now. Which mind you, we still have a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG way to go, but for me it was a good think to keep the physical relations up. And since you don't have an OW, (I didn't either) I don't think you really have anything to lose.
It did (does) hurt to know that it's just physical for him right now, but I also know that for my H, showing love through physical intimacy is his "love language" so I hope for it to eventually inspire the emotion to come out again.
Do what you feel in your heart.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
It's the same with us....my H's biggest complaint was that I always rejected sex. I was waiting for him to give me non-sexual affection so that I could feel closer to him and worry less about my dissatisfaction with my weight gain and he was waiting for me to express and interest in sex so he could feel closer to me. Viscious cirlce!
At any rate, I agree that for me...initiating sex was the 180 degree change I had to make to show him I mean business when I say I am going to change so I think, for now, I will continue with it.
You mentioned love language...have you read that book? I just finished how to get what you want from the man you love (think that's the title). Michelle wrote it...very good book....has a lot of the same things DB book has, but maybe some more detail. Anyway, it's on to the Sex Starved Marriage. I think after I'm done with all this self help, I may be qualified as a therapist myself. Not for myself of course...I can give out advice...just can't take it myself
H called to ask him he could take my D to get a Jamba Juice and go for a drive...I said sure...what time will you guys be back. He said around 6:00 so I said...okay do you want to have dinner with us? He asks what I'm making and says okay, but I need to leave early because I have a potluck at work tomorrow and need to make a dish...I tell him I am going to the grocery store and ask him if he wants me to pick up the ingredients. At first he says no then says okay. I ask him if he wants me to make it and he says no he'll do it. So I go to the store, come home and make it for him anyway...make dinner for him, D and I and wait for them to get home. The get home right at 6:00...I fix H and D a plate and they eat. I let him know I made the chicken dish for his potluck tomorrow and he says...I didn't have to do that...blah blah blah. Anway, D eats and goes to her friends house so I ask H about his training. He explains to me how everything went...it was pretty interesting. Anyway, when he's done I put the moves on him....he says I only want him to come over so I can sexually harass him and then laughs. I ask him if my "harassment" bothers him..he says no. Sooooo...we mess around...it was great! We have to hurry cause D could come home however so when we're done we continue to talk. We are just chatting about stuff and he actually brings up our R. He says...I think it's great that you are working on yourself and all, but I like being alone. Okay so this feels like someone kicked me in the stomach, but I remain calm and say...well I can understand that...what do you like about being alone. He says...that he doesn't have to sit and wonder when someone is coming home anymore (I used to work late a lot), he can watch what he wants on TV...he's not on a time schedule. I say...you weren't on a time schedule when you were home...he says "maybe I put that on myself then". So he changes the subject and starts talking about how he will be coming over to get the rest of his stuff next week and he'll give me the key to the house. He also says I need to clean out the garage and that if I don't have a boyfriend soon he can put off a bug bomb in the garage to kill all the spiders. I say "do you actually thing I'm going to get a boyfriend?" to which he says it's none of his business. I say..."you really don't care if I find someone else?" He says that he can't worry about that kind of stuff anymore. I ask him if he is going to get a girlfriend then and he says "NO". I say so I suppose if you did it would be none of my business then. He says..."why would it be". I say I want it to be my business and he says why. I tell him because I love you and want you to be mine. So he says "what so if I told you I was going to find a gf you wouldn't love me anymore?" I say I would, but I would probably just give up. I then say "you are through with me aren't you" he responds by saying he doesn't want to work things out right now. I ask him if it would bother him if I had a boyfriend and he says "yes, because if this is truly who you are now...I would feel cheated". I say, why can't you have benefit of who I am now...he says he thinks too much has happened in our R. I say...that's not true and tell him I wish he wouldn't shut the door on us. He says he needs to go...and then says the reason he didn't want me to make the potluck dish for him was because he felt weird having me do things for him when we aren't together. I tell him I made it for him because I wanted to do something nice for him. He says "it meant a lot".
Somewhere in our conversation he also says he thinks that by having sex we are acting like "everything is okay". I tell him that isn't true...I know things aren't okay and I understand that he needs to be alone to find out what makes him happy. He says he needs to cut ties completely to find out if being alone is what he really wants. I say...so you don't want to be around me at all? He says the ever famous "I don't know". I also tell him other than our D he is the most important person in the world to me and if he said for us to be together I had to sell all my wordly goods, I wouldn't even hesitate, because he is so important to me. He says "that's not what you said when I told you I was moving...you immediately said you were keeping the house". I tell him I said that to hurt him. He says "it did...I felt like the only thing you cared about was the house". I said "well that's not the case".
Sooo...I walk him to the door...he starts to leave...I say "no kiss?" He turns around and I say...nevermind...if you don't want to I understand..then he leans in for me to kiss him.
WTF should I think about all this?????????????????????????
I am sooooo worried he is going to give his heart to someone else...I don't know what to do.
Quick update...H just called (he left like 15 minutes ago). I say hey...what's up. He says...I called to tell D goodnight and to tell you goodnight. I said "What???" could swear I heard him wrong and he says...I called to tell D goodnight and to tell you goodnight. I say...oh...well thank you very much...I hope you have a good evening...I'll get D for you. Mind you...he just left and told D goodbye. Anyway, I give the phone to D...she says goodnight and hands the phone back to me. He's still there...I say hello? and he says...thanks again for doing that stuff for me. I tell him I enjoyed it and thanks for the company tonight. He says...thanks to you too.
Oh god...this damned rollercoaster kills! Should I feel encouraged that he called??? I dunno...I'm crazy!
Gosh, I swear this sounds like so many past conversations I've had with my H. Try try try, to not get roped in to the "words". IT took them a LONG time to get to this point. To finally verbalize it. And when we say anything to conflict with that, we automatically put them on the defensive. Pushing them further into that decision.
My C told me this week we cannot operate out of fear. My H has been threatening to file for D since the bomb almost 4 months ago, and I've heard several time in the last month that it would be "tomorrow". So I sit and hang everyday waiting for the next bomb to drop. Well, it's no way to live. And to sit in fear of something I cannot control just doesn't make sense.
GAL like crazy. This is where it comes in handy. He IS obviously noticing the 180's. I had the SAME reactions from H during intimate relations. After being turned down by us for SO long, it's going to take awhile for them to really believe that it's a real change and not temporary.
Have nice interactions, and when he says those things that rip at your heart and make you want to reach out and grab and hold on to him and go down "cheeseless tunnels" come and post here instead.
Just listen when he talks. Validate his feelings. Don't try to talk him out of them, it'll go against you. I know ,I've done it and it's always made stuff worse.
I was NOT a quick DB learning ,and ultimately I STILL am not even close to claiming success yet, but I can say that I've seen the MOST success I've had in 4 months in the last 2 weeks that I have been RELIGIOUSLY DBing. No slidebacks. It's been like night and day. So no matter what ends up happening, I do believe these methods work.
Hang in there. Remember the DB motto, believe none of what they say and only half of what they do. I repeat that to myself EACH time my H comes out with comments like this.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
Thanks so much for the words of encouragement. This is so hard...sometimes it's hard to breath!
I guess I'm wondering....should I continue pursuing sex with him? I get all confused thinking...does he protest a little after sex because he's trying to see if I will give up and go back to my old self or does he really think it's a bad idea and I'm just being used for the moment??? Geeezz...this is crazy making!
