Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Trixi trying to find moorage

Here you go...
Digital photo wallet

We shall see if it breaks! I bought the 2 year protection for it just in case. Pretty neat looking. Hope it's as cool in person.

That murder mystery sounds so fun!! I love that you're getting so into the character too. Hmmm.. decisions decisions...

well that is the slickest thing since sliced bread!
Let me know how it really works out!
Christmas presents here we come!

Hey, interesting gift.

Getting late and internet is playing up so time to sleep here.

Have a good day Trixi. Will let you know how things go.

Max

Good luck

Thanks

I know, cool huh?? If it actually works and is sturdy I'll probably be giving a lot of 'em as gifts this year (and maybe buy an extra for me, I figure I could use just the frame insert in my "girl wallet" that I carry ).

Good luck tonight Trixi, thinking of you!

Well.
First the gifts. He liked the keychain. He saw the box for the photo frame and says "Oh, my mom got me one of these too. Only the one she gave me was 12 inches... I'll keep this one in the bedroom." (Mine was only 7 inches.) I had loaded a bunch of pics and "I Will Possess Your Heart" on an SD card. Now, before you all freak out on the music choice, we heard it last week on the way to hiking and he really liked it. Plus, admittedly, it did seem a little apropos. Anywho- I told him to plug in the frame and when the song started up he was like "Hey! Cool! That's such a great song" and then he watched one run thru of the song's worth of pics. He gave me a nice kiss and said they were "excellent gifts".

That part is good.

Next.
Go to restuarant for dinner, seated outside by the lake; very nice. We're having a fine time, I ask if he knows anyone that would want to go to Steely Dan with us and he starts suggesting our DD, and different friends of MINE. I should have shut up. I really should have-but instead I say "yeah, gotta keep it under wraps; wouldn't want to invite anyone you know." So then he says that maybe his roommate would want to go. whatever. By now my mood has started to go south. Later I say "so you're staying over?" (because I wanted to tell him I needed to stop at the store) and he says "actually, no. I have a bunch of stuff to do tomorrow." I say "sheesh, it's not like I hold you hostage!" and he laughs. But now I am ticked. That was a totally bogus excuse. He's stayed over when he had to get up at 6am to go snowboarding, so that's just lame.

As I am stewing in my juices he says "what are you thinking about?" I said I was mad and disappointed. Then he says "Well, I have [guy friend] staying with me and he doesn't live there. I feel like I should be there." Can I leave that alone? Can I be gracious? Of course not. I say "isn't he staying there to help you finish up things in the yard? It's not like he's an out of town guest that you're supposed to be entertaining. You're paying him money to stay there and help." By now I am in a real free fall and I tear up. UGH. And the crux of the matter is NOT the friend, or not staying over--it's how it 'reads'.

Anyway, I didn't totally lose it, but I know he was getting irritated. By the time we get to his car to go, I tell him I understand. And he says "Really? seems like you're still upset." Then he takes my hand and says "You sad cuz I won't stay over?" I explained that it's not that, it how it "reads" to me. Like he couldn't care less.

I said "If it were me, I would have said "I really wish I could stay over, but I have my friend at the house and it feels weird to just leave him there by himself. I'm bummed out too because we're celebrating my birthday, but I really feel like I need to be there when he wakes up."" He says "Well, how do you know I *wasn't* thinking that?" and I said "how would I know that you were?"
My final point was that the original reason was lame and it started out the convo on a bad foot. He said he could see my point. And I said "Why not just tell me the real reason to start with?" and he said "I don't know. Bad communication, I guess." (Why does he hand me reasons to mention retro?) I said I hoped he would really consider retro. (Please, no 2x4s, I know I was out of control.)

Went to see Wall-E. Awww! Love it!

To my H's credit, he held my hand in the car on the way to the movie, he put his arm around me and pulled me in close at the movie (unusual to be that snuggly), held my hand in the car after; snuggled on the couch; [censored]; nice kiss good bye.

Since he's gone home, I have been feeling badly that I gave him such a hard time; I thought about it more and I am pretty sure the guy staying with him can't drive (DUI), which means the guy was stuck at the house. I probably would have felt the same way my H did.

I feel like a heel. My frame of mind sucks. Tonight's events shouldn't have thrown me into a tailspin, but I am so anxious for a sign to know what direction to go, I am reading into everything.

So, I guess tomorrow I will call and apologize for not being more compassionate.

Yeah. The gift was great; the conversation wasn't so good. You're supposed to look like you don't care what he does. Trouble is, you seem to be sinking into a depression.

My H says stuff like that to me. That I don't say things the right way. That really gets my goat. Then I say that if he wants me to read from a script he has to give me the script. If not, I'm just going to come up with my own answers to the questions. And I'm just as entitled to come up with my answers as he is to say things his way.

You don't want to nag him about this stuff. It looks like you and he are really active and do a lot of fun stuff together. You're not the "lets sit around and talk about us" type.

I would try not to mention Retro for a week or two, at least not til August. Then when you feel you are ready to book it, ask him again. Maybe if you tell him that you feel you are not dealing well with the situation as it is, and you feel a need to learn to communicate better so you can figure out for yourself where you are in your life. And ask him to help you by going to this with you, because he is an important part of your life. You need to be careful not to get depressed over this. A lot of people on this board highly recommend anti-depressants. I don't know if you have considered that.

Just an idea. You know what he is most receptive to. But I do think you need to avoid letting him feel like you have your finger poking him in the back, saying "Go to Retrouvaille."

I called H, said that in thinking about it, I was being a butt and would have probably felt the same way. That I had forgotten that he friend couldn't drive and was 'stuck' there; and given how tired he was and how early he had to get up, it was completely understandable and that I was sorry for being a butt.
He said "Ok. No problemo." I said "So I'm forgiven?" and he said "Yup. You're forgiven."

So, at least I did the right thing there.

You know the analogy of throwing rocks into a river and that until they have piled up, you don't see the 'results'? I think the opposite is happening here, for me. A lot of rocks (negatives) have been tossed into my river and now there's enough that every negative thing that happens is glaringly apparent. So when my H "rejects" me, it doesn't just disappear under water-- it is right there in front of me.

If I had been sure that H was staying over, I would have already gotten the stuff from the store for breakfast. He has started disappointing me enough, that I anticipate being disappointed. I don't know why it hurts when I sort of expect it, but it still does hurt. Every disappointment and rejection is another nail in the coffin. I hate seeing what I thought was being resurrected, dying again.

Talked to IC last week and realized that now my H is acting like my dad. Not as bad, but sorta. My parents divorced when I was little. My father would say he was going to come and get me to take me out for the day and then never show up. No call. Nothing. (He was an addict.) Later, after not seeing him for a couple years (because he was in jail), he came and got me to take me out. I was in the 7th grade. On our way, he lights up a joint. I tell him to put it out. He says not to worry, there's no cops around. Again I say to put it out. He repeats his statement so I said "just take me home." He did and after that we didn't speak. He lived at my Gramma's and occasionally we would cross paths. He never really said a peep to me. No bday cards, no Chistmas presents. When I was in the 10th grade, he died in a fire because of doing drugs.

To my mom's credit-she made sure I tried hard in school. Graduated 13th out of 260+ kids. She made sure I had crafty things to do. She had me get involved in 4-H which was good for me. She still makes me crazy because she is so opinionated and wants to control, but I give her credit for what she did do. I certainly could have turned out WAY different.

I hope I didn't just disclose too much. 'Oh well' if I did. I'm human, I have a past and I can't change it.
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Sara, Agreed that I don't want H to feel like I forced him to go to Retro. And I like the idea of presenting like you suggested. I gotta just drop it, for now.

::shake it off::
Okay- time to go find my costume for tonight's party. I'm thinking fancy western type outfit-lots of glitter and glitz. I mean, after all, I do *own* the trailer park, so I must be a woman of great success.

Trixi,

Sorry to hear about your Dad. That is all so terrible. Your mother does deserve credit for raising a well-adjusted person. It maust have been very difficult for both of you. Sounds like you handled the apology well. I like your analogy about the rocks. I think that is very true.