Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Mulesqb - Still alive and Kickin'

Thx LHF - You sound much better today. I'm stuck in the land of mixed emotions. She has dragged me into her world. I've been good at detaching when she's home. The dog has helped - she actually took him out in her car this morning and is going to make dinner at home tonight. I have to make decision to keep patient and not get caught up in the BS.

Detach...you are still looking for 'the lightening bolt'. It's not coming mules. Now I have to take out my stick..for the first time. If reconciliation is going to come...it's not happening today or tomorrow. Her behavior is still self-focused and does NOT include the boys.

Start moving in a direction that has YOU as the focus right now or she'll steamroller you emotionally. If....IF....my W is wishing reconciliation, it started after 2 years of suffering, infidelity and a divorce proceeding. You are just at the beginning of your sitch. If you grasp that, you will let go (I didn't say D) NOW and see how the cards fall.

FIB

Hey FIB - I'm trying but she is giving me the emotion steamroller. It seems like she keeps me right where she wants me, not too close and not too far away. I feel like such a doormat.

Question - You say 2 years - was that when you found out - or do you think your W was suffering longer?? I actually think my W was suffering longer (up to two years), but just had me believing it was other things.

Now she is talking about the Lake George trip. It's in a little over 3 weeks - she is expecting me to go with her. Do you think that is good? At least it will be time with her and I know the kids are in good hands (with her parents). While we'll be with the neighbors - there will be downtime when we are alone back in the room. What would you do in my shoes??

I would go on the trip and DB your ass off.

mules..it's a tough choice, but, I wouldn't go. That's just me. It's too complicated I guess to put into words, but, the away for the weekend with the neighbors...just doesn't feel right.

You have to make the call.

As to your question, I don't think my W was any different than most of the spouse's here. I think she became unhappy...voiced that then stopped. We, as men, think everything is OK because they stop complaining. Then, they slowly subtract themselves from the M/R while we think all is hunky dory until we get the bomb. We get bloodied with a right jab that we never saw coming. We go back to our corner all bloodied and head spinning..then..we finally 'come to'. I got bombed in May '06. Using my retrospectoscope, she began to withdraw fall '04.

This is a LONG ROAD and they usually have to hit bottom before they come back, but, each sitch is different. You need to get off the rollercoaster...expect outbursts....and get rid of your anger. By detaching, you refocus on you. By refocusing on you, you get to ENJOY YOURSELF again. By enjoying yourself and finally coming to the realization that you AREN'T THE TERRIBLE HUSBAND that they make you out to be, they see a happy guy moving off to better places. Then....if you're lucky....they want back in. Sadly, some men don't after they see more clearly.

Think.

How does your W look at you and what does she see?

Does she see a happy strong guy...or...an 'as if' guy with hidden anger on his face?

Think.

FIB

Along that line, check out the article I posted on NDSMHLP's thread. Interesting take on our spouses ability to "see" what is really going on inside of us.

My experience that the wandering spouse has an even more finely tuned "BS-meter."

Again, the importance of making this about YOU, and trying your best to disconnect yourself from the drama unfolding in her. You have to stay secure in who you are, and try to find the compassion for her at the same time.


Blessings,

bill

Hi Mules,

Not that I'm any expert on this at all, but I would go on the trip if you can handle it and DB. You and your wife are definitely in a different place, as you said in that she wants you close but not too close. But the fact she wants you to go at all with her alone, without the kids, is a good thing, I think. So seize the opportunity to DB full time with her. That's how I look at it.

Have a great day!

Here's that link:

http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/an...ind-is-negative
FIB

Thanks guys - appreciate all the input. I went to IC last night and she told me that I need to stop tiptoeing around her and speak my mind and be true to myself. She said it's time I think about me a little here and stop giving in to every whim. She said I need to find out what her intentions are. She encouraged me to confront her about getting more help than just a therapist.

So I did - this morning. One of the things IC asked is how I feel about just being her friend now while she still sleeps in the same bed with me and refuses any intimacy. I told her it bothered me, but I was doing it for her.

Based on that this morning I rolled over and tried to initiate ML knowing full well she probably wouldn't go for it. She didn't. She nicely tried to say that she is not there yet. I said that is ok but why are we sleeping in the same bed. Where are we going with this?? I know it was R talk but IC said that I had to push a little here. She said she is just trying to figure out her feelings through her therapy and being around people. I told her that she has been saying that for months and nothing has changed but I am concerned about her and the boys. I told her that she looks like she has deep, deep depression based on what I have seen in the past when she had to take medication for it. She said that isn't true because there are times when she is happy, like with the neighbors. I told her that I am usually with her in these so called happy times and that she still displays that depressed scowl on her face. I told her I was very concerned about her because she has lost 30 pounds and really isn't on a diet, she is constantly forgetting things she talks about, has many mood swings and her personality has changed drastically in that time. She complains about being "lost" and cries. That's when I said that she should think about a psychiatric evaluation. As my IC predicted, she got very defensive. She said she can't believe I said that to her or think that she is a "psycho". I told her I would go with her and i would get evaluated also if she felt I needed it. I said that we can't go on living like this , she's sad, the boys are sad and I'm sad. She got very defensive about the boys and said that she is not a bad mother and they will be fine. I reminded her that at no time have I ever said she is a bad mother - but if she thinks the boys are fine with this sitch then I will get them to counseling myself.

She got very animated but I held my ground and kept saying how much I cared about her and how concerned I am and how what she is currently doing for herself is not working as the sitch if anything, has gotten worse. She said that she has only been to IC 3x. (She is either lying or has lied about going when she really hasn't as it has been 6 weeks and she was supposed to be going at least 1x per week). I didn't push that issue.

She kept saying she can't believe I think she needs a shrink and wait until her IC hears that one. I told her that I would be happy to go to IC with her if she wants to meet me(my IC recommended I say that). We kept talking and spoke about the neighbor's and she said that I was jealous of her R with the neighbor's W. I told her that maybe the case but it's not just me, all of us are jealous of her because it's clear she would rather spend time with her than her family. Spending Sunday over here after being away in Point Pleasant was rude. I told her i was disappointed that she didn't tell her it was a family day. She didn't like that.

My IC also recommended that I stop doing so many things with her and just do my own thing with the kids or myself. She said that tonight I should probably sleep in the other room. My W stopped the conversation because she had to take the kids to camp, but then called me twice on my cell to tell me that she was ok and sorry that she had to stop the conversation. She said that she had counseling today and then would call me afterwards.

I know this mat go against some of the DB rules setup here but this living sitch stinks for everyone. I have been walking on eggshells for months. There was more to the conversation - but above is the main stuff. I did this from my IC's recommendation. She said that I need to be true to myself and find out her intentions, that i can't keep living in this sitch as is as it is miserable for all involved, especially if she won't agree to separate.

My W's last message on my cell was that she still needed time and space to sort out things and that she didn't want to say too much to give me false hope. She said she would call me as soon as she got out of counseling. She told me that she feels she is under an intense microscope. I said I understand that she could feel that way but it is very hard to live under the same roof and sleep in the same bed in the current state of affairs. I told her that I was tired of being made out to be her enemy when i have stayed here for the last 6 months fighting for my marriage. I told her that with all the things I have seen from her (some very bad if you remember) and heard that I couldn't sit back and do and say nothing anymore. God forbid anything happens I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

Do you guys think I screwed everything up. Honestly at this point I am willing to take a risk. I'm tired of walking on eggshells around her and tired of seeing my kids mope around while she "has fun". I know I could lose her because of this, but I had to do something. A lot of things came out of me in IC last night.

Mules,

I think you did fine, and frankly, I think it was long overdue. So long as you said everything from a position of "speak the truth, in love" (which it sounds like you did), I think it was good that you shared your heart and your concerns with her.

Puppy