Another one locked, I'm building a collection now! Here is a quick summary of my sitch.
To recap briefly my h and I have been together since September 2001, married for 2 years and separated since Oct 07. We had a crisis last summer, he had just recovered from his first severe bought of chronic bowel disease (that started on our honeymoon) and started a new job and has 'changed as a person and has nothing left to give'. I discovered a potential ea in May and he has since said that he no longer wants to work on the marriage. Since then I have been DBing and there have been small improvements.
Ignore the words on the screen from your H. Given the choice, he will choose to pick the one he views as "safe". Look at his actions instead. You have been getting text responses in almost record time. This is a big difference from what things were just a couple weeks ago. Remember it used to take a couple of days. What are you doing differently now, How do you feel differently now? Look at this. Even though the Facebook thing stings, look at how well you were able to get past it. You are getting a better grip on yourself...this will only come across as confident which is very attractive.
Take credit for your actions and baby steps...they are making a difference and they are baby steps. Try not to get too excited or impatient, this will only come off as clingy and desparate. Play it cool. Don't beat yourself up that he didn't respond to your text about his work (maybe it is not going well). The important thing is he asked about you! He showed an interest in you! Look at the actions.
Your planned text about the b-day gift and next weekend are very good in my opinion. You acknowledge but don't exalt his birthday which shows you care. You show GAL and confidence by telling him to bring his key, etc. I think these were well thought out.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Wow first one to post on your new thread, cool. I am usally way behind. sorry about the facebook thing, i am still currently working on a plot to bring down the entire website along with myspace,
What kinds of DYI projects are you and your sister working on this weekend, I love that kind of stuff. Thats been that only downside to living in an appartment again, is no room to tinker on things.
I love idea of thinking of our spouces as Aliens. its about the only thing that can explain looking at the person you have been most intimate with and not seeing who they really are. my W has always told me over and over, "you know me better then any one else and usaly better then i know myself" well I know that is not you standing there its an Alien
I hope that your weekend plans work out and you have a good time with you sis. I have spoken with my bro several times this week and that is rare for me. its nice to reconnect with people around you.
Take care ((((JCJ))))
Last edited by JWS; 07/18/0801:51 PM.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
Thanks for posting :-) Hope you are both ok today.
I think that my new mantra is 'play it cool'. That seems to be the key in this whole thing. I think my h perhaps I am going to trap him in some way and backs off whenever I TRY to engage him, however when I don't try he sort of does so maybe that is what works.
I am helping my sister strip and paint her front door. Really I hate DIY, I only like the fun arranging stuff part. Should be fun though. I'm pleased you've connected with your brother JWS.
I am pleased with the progress and I think that is what has helped me get over the horrible facebook thing. I loathe those sites now...
I think that my new mantra is 'play it cool'. That seems to be the key in this whole thing. I think my h perhaps I am going to trap him in some way and backs off whenever I TRY to engage him, however when I don't try he sort of does so maybe that is what works.
Seems to me like you are figuring it out Julia!!! You knew not to press. Remember to let him set the pace, but don't be completely shy (i.e. logistics type things like next weekend). The rule of thumb I used was if my W engaged in a text convo then I would reciprocate with no expectation, if she respned I do so as well....I let her set the pace and the end point.
You sound a lot more peaceful
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
You know, Julia, I have been thinking a little on your sitch, and the recent email. I have come up with this:
Women have a great need to talk to their friends about everything. We are more emotional by nature, and need the reassurance we are doing the right thing. I think that is why statistics show that women tend to file D more than men...we get advice from everyone, and everyone has an opinion.
Men, on the other hand, like to handle things on their own. They really don't discuss their R/R problems with the guys, but choose to mull it over in their own heads until they have an answer.
This may be why your H was recluctant to talk about the events that have occurred between the two of you. He is still trying to mull it over in his head. It was very unexpected, and when you have one idea in your head, and all of a sudden the exact opposite happens, we as women ask everyone "what did that mean???" while I believe men ask themselves "what did that mean? " So I wouldn't take it to heart that he told your friend nothing is going on. He is still trying to figure it out himself.
(((Julia))) Breath and think peaceful thoughts. It will work out just fine.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
No, I have let go of a bit anger I think this week. Let's hope it stays that way. I am feeling a bit fragile, I think a bit of shell shock from last night, but coping with these shocks a lot better than I used to. I'm pleased my h sent me that text this morning, he felt 'safe' enough to do it and that is my aim.
(((Lola))) thank you so much for thinking about me. I agree with what you've said, and I am such a woman! H can't cope with that and has never been able to cope with 'reactions'. So, if I don't react it makes him feel safer. It is difficult when he pushes me but as I said in an earlier post most of the time he does things and hasn't a clue what the fall out will be. This scares him so if I can just be consistent in my new approach hopefully I will have some success.
I do find breathing really helpful, it often feels that if you just stop and breath then the weight on your shoulders lessens.
My H listed himself as single at work on his tax forms. That was like a slap, so I know how you feel.
But remember, it is a work in progress...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Actually the other thing different that I have been doing is to ask him questions, like his address which I would have been too scared to do in the past. I am not so scared of his reaction as if he doesn't give me his address it is his loss, not mine.
Maybe talking about small things like this is better than every interaction being about how the other person is etc. Building up a rapport again.
