Uhh... well upon reflection, I'm not going to reply to his email. Interacting with him is a bad thing for me and I'm going to respect that boundary.
While at the doc to check out the numb pinky I was talking to his wife who works in the office about what was going on as she was taking my blood pressure. It went up to over 180... oops! Figure not having anything to do with him is the healthiest option for me.
My life is no longer enmeshed in his, what he's doing, thinking, feeling. That's him and an unhealthy part of me.
I married the most incredible man I ever met. I'm separating myself from someone I wouldn't want as a friend. He's the father of my children.
So, whenever the thoughts start to whirl, I stop and think of what is 'now', what is real and move forward.
Ms. imp.... Loooooooooooooooove that song. It sounds perfect for you, too.
Special K.. I have a popcorn brain when it comes to thoughts. Hopefully I'm using my legs to get things moving!
Ms L.. Sometimes silence is golden. There's a lot to be said letting some time pass. I have nothing to prove. His actions seem based on documenting his impressions to his lawyer. No reason to respond. I hate when I feel like spouse and I are toddlers fighting in a sandbox.
Now I feel Gump-a-licious and ready to respond to your timely post.
The morning spouse talked about his misery, I felt such sorrow for his pain. My passive BS meter asked what woman is feeding you those lines."
"Recently he's said we can have nothing that implies we're a couple, since it confuses the children. Not even jointly giving an 18th birthday gift to our son. My BS meter says he's afraid of anything that implies a couple."
I would say he is still blaming you for all his problems. Honestly I am pretty sure he came up with all that.. on his own.
And it feels good to realize it's his issue, not mine.
"The bank assured me a glitch in the system had prevented me from logging in.
I have to admit, the thought passed through my mind of passive/aggressive harrassment. However, I figured assume the best, work in a positive manner and let it go."
That was a smart and DB move. Think about it.. no fighting.. no drama.
Yep yep.. nothing like letting some time pass to allow a calmer thought process.
"It's odd. The concept of detachment was agonizingly painful. The reality of detachment is a dull thud. I start to get riled up, then remember.. he's not worth the effort."
I might say.. you are looking back and making smarter choices. Pain tends to linger when you are in it.. as it starts to heal.. you may feel numb. Eventually the pain fades away.. you can still focus on it and remember what it was like. Use those feelings as a guideline. This sounds much better than the "old" Gypsy.
My therapist described how people can be in so much pain and so desperate to relieve it that they make bad choices just to feel relief. Call spouse earlier this week was an example of that for me.
"This website has become my social life. I figure that's not good."
Its a toss up. Lot of good people here. Are there more effective outlets for interaction.. sure. Use them when you are ready. If you enjoy being here.. by all means.. post away. Just don't let it get bigger than you. I know you have some "outside" friends.. baby steps. You will get there.
Having balance is a beautiful thing, something I'm learning to embrace... *hugs*
"I told my friend I've forgotten how to have fun. I can do things for other people, enjoy activities that other folks invite me to but I can't seem to initiate anything."
I had a problem with this. Most likely you have some issues with generating some fun.. simply because you still might be a little "down". It takes a while.. to get back into it. It will come to you.
That's good to hear. Currently helping with the 600 costumes for the show, even doing some tailoring. Some of these have been in Broadway shows so it's a bit intimidating. The first rule in theatre, make alterations easy to take out!
"I moved to this area because I couldn't handle the yeah rah rah of Newcomers... Now I feel lonely that not all my buddies post to me. And yet I'm pulling away in a way."
I kinda thrive in the drama. It can get confusing. I don't really think you pulled away.. you just have to give them time to adjust. Heck.. I don't even check on Kalni as much anymore. I still have not gotten used to the move. Plus.. sometimes the drama calls my name.
The drama and activity kept me there. The need to accept brought me here. It's all a growing experience.. no?
I've pondered switching to 'Surviving the Big D' but the folks there party too hard!
(Add on top of that.. I have been super busy at home.)
That's a very good thing.. probably the best.
Sometimes.. we let the ones we love the most flounder.. cause we expect them to know.
Awwwwwwwwwww....
"I've been marching forward"
Good for you.. I could not hope.. for anything better.
Thank you!
"I'm making arrangements for the two women I became friends with at a retreat to come to my house in August and watch some chick flicks they say would be great for me."
Making some plans.. Thats good.. A relaxing time will give you something to look forward to.
Yes.. doing things that are different is good. I started to worry about the kids reacting to 'strangers' in the house, but I got over it.
"I'm still a jumping bean fixer.. but I'm working on it!"
Don't ever stop being a fixer.. just apply yourself when you get the most results.
Compulsive, excessive fixing at the cost of what I need to do is a bad thing. Helping, caring, mindful of other's boundaries (well, I'm still working on that one) is a good thing.
"Where am I.. pumping gas in a suburbia.. in a place we moved to as newlyweds.. with my children.. which is the greatest gift of all."
So who is winning here? You have done all the stuff people dream of. Had a family.. a home.. a nice car.. a dog. Quite simply.. he is doing it all over again. The sad part about it is.. the odds say.. he will end up right were he stared. Think about it.. 50% of M's fail. 75% of those that remarry fail. Roughly. The one thing I would want to take away from a failed marriage.. is how do I do it right the second time. If I ever walk in your shoes.. I am going to make dam* sure I get it right the next time.
Here here. I married vowing to love him however he changed in our lifetime. He's demanding a change which ends my vow. Life goes on.
"You must have a really good day planned to sh*t on yourself so early."
Are you related to me? That sounds like something I would say. That guy is alright! Is he married.. I know some single.. or soon to be single women. They might have a interest.
My brother is pretty neat but not on the market.
The Hospital thing sounds great. Do things for you. Get yourself "fixed" up.
I'm looking forward to starting once all the paperwork is in place. We'll see how neat it is.
I think you are doing "Well". What more could I ask for. This will get easier.
Thank you oh giver of time and caring. I do appreciate your friendship and words of encouragement and perceptions.
"I moved to this area because I couldn't handle the yeah rah rah of Newcomers... Now I feel lonely that not all my buddies post to me. And yet I'm pulling away in a way." Heck.. I don't even check on Kalni as much anymore. I still have not gotten used to the move. Plus.. sometimes the drama calls my name.
That was one pathetic excuse of an advanced DAM... K
PS Sorry Gypsy, I couldn't keep it in. My newself DEMANDS I am expressing my feelings...
Hi Gypsee.. I hope someday I can see things as clearly as you do to be able to define & enforce boundaries. Thanks for all the insight you offer to us here.
Hugs to you & peace today. Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Thanks for the encouragement! And thank you for the compliment.
I found a good therapist based on my psychiatrist's recommendation. I have a great psychiatrist who understands the ins and outs of medication levels (who my therapist feels is the best practitioner in the area). I view them as a team working to help me be as healthy as possible in order to make good decisions.
I have wonderful friends who kick me in the patookie, challenge my thinking and pity parties, who have faith in the person who hid behind her husband.
I have an online community filled with compassion, understanding and directness like I never imagined. A singular entity focused on helping others learn to make themselves and their lives better.
And I have books.. Divorce Remedy, Codependent No More, Not Just Friends, His Needs Her Needs, Five Languages of Love (though I can't seem to get through the last two).
Boundaries.. what an interesting concept. It's almost as if I have a strategy for how to deal with things. Try X... if it hurts me, then go to Y. If Y makes things better, what would ramping it up to G do? It's like setting up an envelope of safety/protection, then moving from there.
The more I create a healthy structure, the more flexible I can be.
You guys.. are gonna get me banned. I am going to hold you responsible!!!
"Now I feel Gump-a-licious and ready to respond to your timely post."
Shewholurks... sarcasm alert!!
"And it feels good to realize it's his issue, not mine."
You keep telling me.. it was all your fault. You did this.. you did that. Why didn't I do this. Why is he doing this to me?
Glad to see the mind has awoken! He chose this! He is in "fix" it mode. Last I checked.. his tools were broken and he needs to go stand in line at Sears. You got some Snap-On quality tools showing up. Do they feel good in your hand yet? The thing about quality tools.. sometimes it takes a while to get used to the power.
"Yep yep.. nothing like letting some time pass to allow a calmer thought process."
Its OK to think the old way.. it is going to happen. You are still getting used to everything. You are going to use the wrong tool from time to time.. they have been around.. and feel comfortable.
"My therapist described how people can be in so much pain and so desperate to relieve it that they make bad choices just to feel relief. Call spouse earlier this week was an example of that for me."
If I could take it away.. so you could think more clearly.. I would. This is why I say you have to get it.. grab hold of it.. and use it.
"The drama and activity kept me there. The need to accept brought me here. It's all a growing experience.. no? "
You go where you want to.. people will follow. Even the slow ones that are busy!
"Compulsive, excessive fixing at the cost of what I need to do is a bad thing. Helping, caring, mindful of other's boundaries (well, I'm still working on that one) is a good thing."
Amen!!
"Here here. I married vowing to love him however he changed in our lifetime. He's demanding a change which ends my vow. Life goes on."
It is not the path you chose. It was the path that was chosen for you. Life is a learning process. People are put in your life for a specific purpose. You can't see far enough ahead to get where you are going. We all wish we could. Think about what you have gained from this.. and what you have lost. Life can be a trade off. What you get from that trade.. may make things better. I would not trade.. me being here.. for anything.
"My brother is pretty neat but not on the market."
Lots of hearts breaking tonight... not mine!
"I'm looking forward to starting once all the paperwork is in place. We'll see how neat it is."
Don't let Work bring you down..
"Thank you oh giver of time and caring. I do appreciate your friendship and words of encouragement and perceptions."
No Words.
I see your actions.
Thank You.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
