Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Sending positive vibes to my H!

You seem to be doing well. : )



Reminds me of a joke from Expecting...

"You want to know how I know you're gay? You listen to Coldplay."

upside downer:
thanks for sying that - i dont feel out of the wods at all yet...but i think thisis all posotive..he has said he was sure in the beginning and now he isnt...he said it has gotten harder for him- it old him it has gotten better for me....so we shall see- still a long way to go before i feel very excited..doubts creep in..but I must say this is very good tto hear poepl's replies- it sort of claririfes trhat have done something very right!
thank you

JTB! you are funny- i am now going w a fun girlfriend! maybe it is chick music!

PS. the reason why i worked on ACCEPTING him is twofold.
1) So he can open up to me without a reaction from me – I worked on detaching and not reacting
2) because i desperately wanted to be accepted by him and figured this was the best way to SHOW him how to do this....

we are slowly getting him to ACCEOPTING me...this is the first step....
thanks

Pisces9, so glad to hear you are going so well! Peace.

Pisces, thanks for your answers, they help a lot. Acceptance, that's something that I can work on.

Amazing he went from sure to not sure. That takes talent on your part!!! How did you detach??? He must have been offering things up to you that you could detach from? I can't seem to do that because my W only gives me a little bit of anything. She barely speaks when we talk, and doesn't contact me but to say simply "good night" or things like that. Did your H do more than that?

he did nothing for 4 weeks...we talked very little and i was very quiet and didnt ask anything of him. it was sooooo hard....then we would meet to exchange mail or something and i was happy and calm no matter what. i havent shown him any weakness or sadness.

i questionned this so many times- not sure if i should show him by my crying that i loved him- i was so desparate and sad and lonely and horrendously void...but i never let him see this and i truly think it was the only way. it allowed me to learn how to not react and fake it til i make it kind of attitide as well as allowed him to not have any extra reasons for not liking me..

all what the DR says in LRT...i didnt ever go completely dark but i went dim and really did the whole list of what it says. GAL, got out all my stuff beofre i saw him, cried to my friends or alone, only showed him happiness and contentment.

i also got a lot from advise from wise db'ers thread and nuggets of wisdom under that- i printed out the rules and lists from there and read them over and over.

yor wife giving you a little here and there is a good sign and not to be overlooked- i cant stress this enough....that will actaully help you se the long term and not get too caught up with feelings of despair...also- dont pressue her...let her watch you and show her the new you- able to listen to whatver she throws your way...words or no words.

i have to say i am still learning to detach...there is no other way. he can truly say anything to me at this point and i just calmly hear it and dont say anything sometimes...he even had said so should we get a lawyer or mediator about a month ago and inside i wanted to jump in front of a car but on the outside i just stayed quiet, no tears and just said i trust whatever decison you make...he went on from there and opened up and has not revisited that statement again.

work on one small thing at a time..i am still not out of the woods..i am stll guarding myself just in case....i think that helps with not getting caught up in the BS...

this is so hard , i know and even though he has said all this i still am trying very hard to detach...but the beginning was the worst and it gets better.

ps. when he says something now i say thats interestihg or i understand and if he goes further i say can you tell me more? he has sometimes even said i dont feel like it then 10 minutes later spills his guts

i used to get freaked and end the conversation before he could get anything out for fear he would say "IT"!

Ha, I know that feeling. I freaked out one day because things were unusual and I thought for sure she was getting ready to drop the D bomb on me. Taught me big time not to let my imagination run wild because I was a wreck.

Was it you who used to do all the talking? In my sitch, I am the over talker. That makes it very difficult when I am being quiet because she always accuses of me that I am doing it because I'm upset or whatever. I haven't had much luck with that, but if you were the talker, how the heck did you get him to talk?

I like the "tell me more" and how he then spilled his guts 10 minutes later.

yes! i was the talker....reassure him you are just happy to be with him when you are quiet....it was new for me too and just when i thought my h wouldn't say anything he started opening up when i was happily quiet- pma!