Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Is W in MLC

I started this thread hoping to find some wisdom. The other one got to long, I will link to it when I figure out how.

Quick overall:

I moved out a couple months ago for many reasons
W and I started MC, started dating again
Few weeks later W said she wanted a D- ILYNIL ect Stated this during MC and even the C was stunned.
Couple of weeks ago W thanked me for not given up on her
Last Sunday said she wanted LS, she needed to find herself ect.
Friday after my IC she asked if we talked about her being stupid the other night, while working around the house she turned up the radio and sang along with a song about a woman who was happy her man did not give up on her even when she had given up on him and put him through a hard time.
Still on good speaking terms and do some stuff together, both in IC
Have heard "why do you have be so nice and why can't you just be mean"

Last night I went over to pick up some clothes and figure out some bills. I could tell she was in a mood when I was there. I decided to head out and give her space. I asked if she was ok and she asked if I thought any more about what we talked about last week. W said she did not want to give me false hope. I sat back down and she said we could talk later this week. I told her that would be fine and left.

I talked with a mutual friend today and they wondered if it is some sort of MLC. The few people that I have talked to are dumbfounded by the way she is acting. The C said that she is running on emotions and depending on what they are is what she says to me.

She just turned 37 and both of the kids are hers, D16 and D11. The oldest will be a junior and the younger starts middle school this year.

So I am just wondering if I am in the right spot. She has me totally baffled.

yenko69,

You ask:


To me, it sounds like you are doing well. You have a counselor or rather counselors. You might ask them. They know you want to save your marriage. If I were you I would depend on the pros who know you rather than we here who can merely guess. Same with MLC. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. I just showed your post to a woman and she said it sounds hormonal. She is not a doctor, but it is probably as good a guess as MLC.

And do yourself a favor, try not to involve friends. They can't do anything. And it could cause tension for them. One of the best things I did was not to involve friends, mutual, mine or hers.

IMP

IMP,
I have two people tell me out of the blue that she may be experiencing an early menopause. But, could not know for sure.

We both do see the same MC so I will ask her Wed when I see her. Maybe she will have a better clue.

There are some marriage problems that brought us to this. The normal stuff I guess; communication, companionship, disconnection ect.

Also had a problem with D16 who had been raped and tried to commit suicide a couple times. D16 then made false allegations against me (cleared) and taken out of the house. D16 says she does not like me and trying to manipulating everyone. D16 has the you took my mom from me ect and has had a rough life.

As far as doing well, I really would not say that. I left work today because I was so tied up in knots. Not good working as a deputy and can't focus on my job.

Thanks for the advice about not involving friends. I try not to bring them into it very often. We do have a good C whom I have had to call at off hours. She is very supportive and we both get along great with her.

MLC is a baffling event
Our spouses are very confused and confusing
they change their minds alot
never seem to get anywhere..make decisions and never follow through
spend alot of money
lie all the time
very secretive
very difficult to figure out
very moody
depressed withdrwn non communicative
we all get the speech basically same one
they all want to find themselves
it is a long process
i am here almost 18 months
and my H has barely moved
take care of you and I agree with IMp
better to talk to C than friends
Most friends will tell us to move on as they dont undwerstand how long this takes
there are many resourses here read all you can
dont pursue her
peace

damn, yenko. There is some tough stuff there. I can't imagine how that would affect a young woman and everyone around her.

But I was surprised at the calmness of you last post. Actually for someone who has been on this board for 3 weeks that is pretty good. But what else is good is that you are stepping up to the plate, i.e. admitting to the problems and doing something about it.

I am not going to BS you. You are definitely going to have tough times. Your hurt and anger is going to creep up on you. I was good at anger. But you are doing what you can. You see the C soon. I know, Wednesday can't come soon enough.

Good luck.

IMP

I sure don't feel to calm most of the time. I have found peace in the fact that after the D talk I wrote her about a ten page letter. I did not make excuses about my part of our M problems. I just felt that I should explain to her what was going on with me when our M started going downhill.

I have been reading here for awhile so I did use some techniques with the last LS talk. I told her that I could not agree with a LS, but I was not going to fight her. She could do what she thought she needed to do. That I had no control over her actions, just myself and my reactions. I also said that I loved and respected her enough that if I had to let her go I would. But, I was not going against my beliefs and file on my own. She also said that she was a "bad" wife, being mean, looking for attention I was not given her. No A though.

We did not talk for a couple days and then talked with her again. Wrote her another letter. Just two pages this time. I did think quite a bit after two days and decided what was best for me. The best thing for me was to forgive her for her transgressions during the marriage and let the hurt and anger go. That part I told her face to face and also wrote it. Wrote her that the most important person she can forgive is herself (her guilt,ect). Got the "why do you have to be so nice" again. I told her I married her for better or worse and that is what I was going to stick by until I no longer had an option. Brought a tear to her eye.

I am glad IMP that you don't BS. Have enough already. It is tough and I have been all over the place. I try and let the hurt and anger go and keep going forward in a positive direction.

When it gets bad and I do want to give up I try and remember a couple things. That whether she is here or not in a couple years I will always have to face myself in the mirror. If I do everything I can then at the end no matter what, I can continue forward with my life with no regrets.

I do think that D16 has some bearing on this. More on that later. To her credit my W never bought into the allegations and has always defended me against them. D16 pissed off a lot of people, mostly my W's side of the family.

IMP I will try and look up your thread. 3 weeks posting, seems more like 3 months. Peace, thanks for your post. It is helpful. Just good to know there are people out there going through the same thing and the support on her.

yenko,

You said:

I am going to tell you a secret. I know a lot of folks who have been here a long time and still don't get that.

Forgiveness. I think I forgave the former Mrs IMP about 47 times. But if I didn't do it the first time, I would have never done it for good.

My early posts are all gone. The system was purge last Fall. You really don't get to read my story. And even before, the real juicy stuff was gone. People have asked me to put it up, but I have tried a couple times and it just bored me to tears because to put it all out there would take too much bandwidth.

And thank you for the compliment, i.e. a no BS guy. Get me in trouble once in a while, but hey you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette.

Good luck.

IMP

Good to hear. I have read some people who wait to forgive. My question for them is who are you hurting the most by harboring anger, hurt and resentment?

To bad your posts are gone. Seems you worked yourself out of this mess and came out good. Congrats.

You are welcome on the compliment. I don't bs people and really don't like it myself. I try and deal with reality, not blowing sunshine up my *ss. Especially now since I went up with to much hope and got knocked back down. But I shall arise wiser for the experience.

Off to bed and then work. Should be able to make it through tomorrow ok.

Take care all that read this and know that you are all stronger then what you think.

Thanks, yenko. You're alright.

Thanks IMP I appreciate it.

Did have to talk to W today about some financial things today. No problems there, W said about finding D11 a babysitter while playing in a softball tournament this weekend. Told her I would ask my parents. W said that she was not sure about if they would or not with the difficulties and possible D. Told her it was not a prob since I know how my parents feel. W does feel guilty about not being able to have "real" kids with me or my parents grandkids.

After talking with my mom, no real prob. watching D11 this weekend, I called W back. Some other things had come up also, death in the town we have a house at. Had some other things going on so it was a few hours later I called W.

Talked about the death ect. I was coming back from getting gas to the SO (sheriff's office). Told W I had talked to mom about watching D11 and it was no prob. I said my parents told me even if W and I D, they still love her and the girls and they were always welcome. There was a long silence and I had thought I lost service on the cellphone. Asked if she was still there and W said yes. Told her I was back at SO and had stuff to do and have a good night.

Knowing my W that hit her pretty hard. Especially with the guilt she carries around about not having kids with in herself.

Still not knowing exactly what I am going to say when we have another "talk" about LS. It is an impasse and she is going to do what she is going to do. So, as far as me goes, nothing will be gained or lost from another talk. Well, maybe something gained depending on what her mood is. Just playing it by ear with her at this point.