Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Withdrawal of OM and coping

whatdidido, I am relatively new to this board but your posts caught my attention almost immediately. I am a WAW who is currently struggling to figure out if I want to reconcile with H or forge ahead with OM. I've been married almost 10 years, and OM is a co-worker and good friend of nearly 4 years. EA started almost from the first time OM and I met; PA started 4 months ago when H and I separated.

I'm curious to know how you came to the conclusion that you wanted to fix things with your husband. I still love H but I also have very strong feelings for OM which seem to grow everyday. I don't want to string both men along for long because they're both hurting. And I can't continue to live in this hell that I've been living in for much longer. Anything you can say to give me any insight will be much appreciated.

Good luck to you!

I've learned a lot reading your story also. And although we've had a very passionate marriage until not too awful long ago, going through this has taught me a lot. No one would ever question how much I love my WW. And I showed that love by buying her anything she wanted and doing everything for her. Got her flowers a couple times a month. Did most of the housework in addition to the "manly" work. We went on multiple vacations per year, at least two of which was just us. Bought her a very big past, present, future diamond ring for our 20th anniversary a few years ago. Worked and worked to climb the corporate ladder so I could buy her the big house she always wanted and could give our kids the best advantages growing up they could have. But I know now, I wasn't showing her love in the ways she wanted/needed. And I'm paying for my short sightedness. Not that I'm taking responsibility for her affair. Far from it. But I'm taking responsibility for my portion of the condition of our marriage that made the affair possible.

So what does all this mean???? It means we've got to rebuild our marriage. We've got to learn to really pay attention to each other. And once that foundation is laid, our marriage can be better than ever. But it will take time.

I was talking to a friend of mine Tuesday. I told him that I was frustrated by how long this is taking (which it really isn't, but I'm impatient) and he said, "think of it this way. When you start a new relationship you start with no ill feelings, no baggage etc with the other person and everything goes up. With what has happened in your marriage you're starting way in the hole and it will take a while to get to the normal starting point before you can really move forward". And he's right.

So, in your sitch and mine it's going to take a while because the first thing that needs to happen is you have to get past the WD from the OM. Only once that's happened can you (and my WW) begin to see anything your H does in a positive light. So it just takes time. Time for those OM feelings to fade and time for your feelings to rekindle for your H.

Again, can't promise you'll make it in the end, but trading your H in for OM without giving H a real chance is just trading one set of problems for another. And I guarantee there are problems with OM. You just didn't see them because you were in the honeymoon phase with him.

You've said many times that besides that "it" feeling with your H, he's got everything you could want. I say, work on those things and you very well could get those "it" feelings with him. But it won't happen before you get over OM, which takes TIME.

h4h, thank you. I'm glad you have confidence in me, and you are keeping me in your prayers. I keep yours in mine, too.

Lost- the best thing for you is to read all of my posts from start to end and you will know where my head has been. Go to my name and pick "read user's posts". Believe me, I know what you are going through. If you continue to post, we could help each other tremendously by supporting each other. Bottom line, I am going to fight for my marriage because it is the right thing to do and I can't leave it before I have done EVERYTHING POSSIBLE. I understand the "hell" you've been living in. The other thing you should do is read the posts from the others on this board, especially to me. They have helped me sooo much. Start your own thread, explain your full situation, and you will get so much support and advice that will help you.

h4u, thank you for your post. Everyone would say we had a passionate marriage as well. My H did most of the things you said. You are right, ...at least for me.....it wasn't the love in the way we could feel it. You talked about rebuilding. My H said the other day: "We have to lay the foundation of the road to build the road and bridge over troubled waters." We both need to be patient in different ways. You are right, this will take some time. Let's do it!

Sounds like to me you H "get's it". If he made the statement about the foundation I think he is very wise.

I would kill to have my WW have the same attitude as you. I really think she's trying but she's afraid if she says she f'd up that things will return to the way they were. They weren't bad by any stretch, but the things that she's complained about I've been working on big time and I think she notices but doesn't want that to change.

I'll make you a deal. When I see you getting impatient, I'll remind you and you do the same for me and we'll both have the marriages we deserve in the end!

>> "I'd treat you like a queen", "I'd make you so happy", "I want you as my wife", "I want you to have my baby", on top of all the many complimentary things he says.<<

I'm sorry, that just sounds like the biggest load of cr@p to me. I know you believe he means it, but it sounds too saccharine to me.

It kind of reminds me of this married guy I met during the D who had a crush on me. He would ply me with all kinds of ridiculous compliments whenever I ran into him while I was out with my girlfriends. Yeah, I know I'm smart, beautiful and amazing, but when someone lays it on that thick... well... I feel like they are desperately trying to convince me of something.

One more thing I want to add about this guy...

Do you think he complimented his wife this way? And *to him* is there really any way on earth I could have really been more smart, beautiful or amazing then his wife??? I mean she had his kids, she probably did his laundry, kept his house clean, supported him for YEARS and yes, probably was a bit@h sometimes (aren't we all???), and yet here he was POURING compliments to me. Some relative STRANGER!!!

When I asked him about his marriage and his wife he'd just say it wasn't good. Gee... Wonder why???? Hey, maybe if he'd try talking with his wife like this rather then some woman (women) he doesn't even really know maybe he'd have a better marriage

Exactly ROOT.

This is what I meant by OP's getting as wrapped up in the fantasy as the WAS. But when push comes to shove, they run as fast as they can.

But they sure know what to say when a married person shows a little dissatisfaction with their marriage. And that's when it starts. And that's the whole point of the fantasy of an affair. It's not real. Is the OP going to change the WAS's bed pan when they're old and can't do it for themselves? Nope, they'll be telling the next victim the same crap.

h4u, I agree. Your wife is afraid to say she f'ed up because she is still in WD and feeling all of this "loss" and looking at you wondering if it will ever change. I like your deal- we get on each other about being impatient. I think we both will have highs and lows and it will help to have each other push us through them. I don't know about you, but for me, everything going on in my relationship is seemingly magnified by 10 or more. For example, when H does some little annoying thing, usually it is just annoying, but now it is 10x MORE annoying than ever. It's cause everything is under the microscope right now. Time, time, time.

Root and h4u, of course I know what you are saying is right and makes sense. My hormones and "heart" tell me different, but doesn't matter now.....workin on the M......patience and time.

My friend Deb said the same thing pretty much. She said while she was in her affair that EVERYTHING her H did made her extremely mad, even if it was the littlest thing. But after she got through WD pretty much she started thinking "I can't believe I'm making such a big deal out of those things".

I just hope my WW is beginning to see what you understand, that the hormones/chemical high of the affair aren't 'real'.

They seem soooooo real, and I can get my mind around them and justify them even. It's hard. I ready your sitch and yeah, waiting to give the books to her, etc is a good idea. She sounds like she may be ready soon. Like I said, I needed them to help me get through this. She may need them to. NOT to necessarily help her work on the marriage, but to help her get through these initial feelings. SOme parts of those books help with that. I am not even reading all of the rest of the book until I get can past this part of things. You know what I mean?