Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse Meeting WAS for first time. Any advice?

((((Max)))) I totally get that. Be glad you're you and not me-- I would have started tearing up. When my H talks about things that I want to do with him, it hurts that I am not part of whatever it is.

Did you really not fight for her? I mean, what did you say when she dropped the bomb? Nothing?

I have a goofy question- if you continue to see her, do you worry that it will make it more difficult to get over her and also set the bar so high, that no new girl could "compete"?

Since you haven't let go of the past, is that something you want to do? Or is it kind of a security blanket? I'm not trying to cast stones with that question. There were a few single guys at the party tonight; let me tell you, it didn't make me want to venture out into the single world; ugh! Having security blankets/excuses for not venturing out there can sure seem appealing.

You seem to have a very evolved view of your R and I commend you for that. I just would hate to see you end up going backwards by seeing more of her. (heh, I am probably projecting just a bit there.)

I'll be curious to see how things unfold in the coming days and weeks.

Hey Trixi,

I was ok yesterday when she talked about NZ, but wasn't so good this morning typing it out at the keyboard. Sometimes everything just hits you again when you don't expect it to. Strewth! I'm far more emotional these days than I ever used to be.

In terms of fighting for her, I tried at first but was accused of trying to fix things. She kept telling me sometimes things can't be fixed, there is no solution. Then at MC she made it clear that if she had issues, she could work on those in another R, not ours - despite the fact we had identifed good stuff to work on. When she finally announced she had found somewhere to live and was leaving I was completely floored and angry. We agreed a period of no contact and I thought I needed to repect that, GAL and be independent of her. The one contact we had before Turkey was good, but after then it was always at our house and was awful. Really awful. Stressed. I could tell she was uncomfortable and I was uncomfortable. She acted as though she was fulfilling a duty and was never keen to make plans to meet. She also always had an out, which really annoyed me. In essence she had it totally under her control. We met 3 times after Turkey, the last of which - after losing my new job - she finally just told me it's over. So, I think our separation was handled the completely the wrong way and killed off whatever hope there was very efficiently. I think she never wanted anything different than that.

When someone gives you no sense of hope, ever, you give up. When you're angry and hurt and want to repair yourself you close down. I withdrew. I could see no hope however hard I looked and I felt I had to mentally prepare myself. As I have said, for me there was no rollercoaster, I kept reading the same message after the bomb - it's over, I'm done. You can only hear that for so long. But I still wonder whether she was waiting for me to prove that she was important enough, to really battle inspite of being given no encouragement.

I understand that seeing her still could be a problem for other potential women in my life. It's a risk. However, I do believe that there are women out there who can and will change things for me. I wish I knew the best way of finding them, but sometimes not looking but just doing (other stuff) is the best method of achieving that. But you are right, no matter how much confidence I have in myself - and I have a lot more than I used to - it still (being single again) isn't the place I'd like to be, as you can imagine.

When are people ready to move on and start anew? You see this come up sometimes in surviving. I guess it's when it feels right or the right person appears. Sometimes perhaps we need to take a leap of faith, but I'm obviously wary of the fallout from things that don't work. I am also intensely private sometimes and don't like the feeling of my recovery being 'watched' by my family, if that makes sense?

I don't know how things will unfold. When you can't have what you want, it takes time to adjust. Perhaps my problem is that I'm a romantic trapped in a thinker's body!

As ever, thanks for looking in. Keep asking those probing questions. I need them more than ever.

Max