Just checking in with you...and thinking about things. Today I have my first meeting with C...in Woodstock with one of Michele's associates. I've had one phone coaching session 3 weeks ago. H not ready to join me, but at least said, "if you think she can really help you...and I would like her, then maybe I'll join you at some point" My D (20) is holding in a lot...she runs so deep with her emotions. Anyway, she asked to see a C, so I said she could join me today, and perhaps have part of the session with the C. She was really happy about that. Said she wants help sorting, and doesn't want it from me. Hopefully this will work out. H has been ok at times, distant at times, and actually attracted to me at times the past few days. He is definately noticing my physical changes...lost 20 and am working out tons. He's impressed. We talked about having sex, but both agreed it would complicate our issues, since we've only scratched the surface. He does like to hold me once in a while, but somehow it feels sad. He only wants to talk about R when it feels easy, not forced. Oh well, I hope to get my thinking on track after my C session. I read my books, read here in the forum, talk to myself, and try to think of DBing tactics. Then, he comes hoe grouchy, I I get pouty...H notices, we talk briefly and then quickly apoligize. I could kick myself at those times...I think in my head that I am trying so hard, and then my emotions take over and I react, instead of think!! I've got to remember, "is this bringing us closer, or pushing H away?" So hard to change some of my behaviors....and I'm well educated....how frustrating. Thanks for listening/reading my disjointed thoughts. Mooka
It was a pleasure to meet you last night - I hope that we can all get together again sometime soon - maybe a golf outing!
I noticed you haven't posted in a while but I'll just tack my thoughts onto the end here.
From your posts and what we spoke about last night, you're doing some excellent 180s and changes in yourself. I think you've really accomplished the "working on yourself" part of things ... or at least you're well on your way down the right path. Like I said last night, I don't think we're ever actually done changing ourselves.
Now though, I think the focus needs to go back to the R and what you can do alone to improve things between you and your H.
The first thing I'd like you to do is remember back to that vacation with the family and list the 5 things your H would list as the contributors to the breakdown of the R. These can be things about him, you, other outside influences, whatever. Just list these here and then we can start to understand them further and break them down.
I can't remember if you said this or not but have you read the 5 Languages of Love by Gary Chapman? If not, that should be the top of your list right now.
Secondly, for your H, I would recommend The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck... if he'll read it. The entire book is pretty good but the section that desribes love is so excellent. Like Ceb said last night, to feel love you have to be doing loving actions.
And lastly (in my book corner here), I would recommend the KLA tape series of Michele's for at least you though it would be great if your H would work through it too. This is something that's going to help you focus on the things that go on in your R and how to fix them, how to meet each other's needs, how to communicate, etc. It focuses on solutions and actions which is the most important thing to do.
Now, there are a few other things I picked up out of your threads that I wanted to comment on:
He said just talk to me, we can't continue to build up resentment. I then finally said....why don't you tell me the name of the person you are seeing, why do you keep things from me? He sighed, and said....don't smother me.
In this interaction, why do you think he probed your thoughts and then put up a wall again? Do you think there was any way you could have approached this differently? Do you think there is any other way you could have let him know your feelings?
I've always been a big advocate of the "I feel" statement method because you want to express your feelings but not put blame or guilt on the other person with your words.. nor do you want them to get defensive in any way because that doesn't help your cause. So, in addition to the "I feel" statement, this is why I think you need to concentrate on understanding his feelings and how your words and actions affect him. (This is what the homework above is all about.. eventually.)
I read my books, read here in the forum, talk to myself, and try to think of DBing tactics. Then, he comes hoe grouchy, I I get pouty...H notices, we talk briefly and then quickly apoligize.
Interesting pattern of interaction here - what can you do to break out of this pattern? What can you do differently? How do you know the argument/bad interaction is over? Can you use that trigger earlier on?
Calystra.... thanks so much for the responce to my threads. I, too, really enjoyed meeting you last Thursday night and husband. you both had so much to offer and are so expereienced well beyond your years. You have given me much to ponder, read and think about. I will get back to you tomorrow when I have more time to digest. I haven't been online for several days, busy with kids, self, golf?!?!?!, and H on the week-end. He is not travelling as much as he could with is job, that's a positive....he's still definately attracted to me and my new changes....that's a positive. He works alot, but keeps me posted on his "general" whereabouts....I think that's a postive. I've really been thinking about what you and your H found as a turning point in your R. You asking for forgiveness, admitting some of your issues, etc. I, have plenty...that I've been recently realizing...last month or so....and I want to go there with my H, but I definately want to be sincere about apologizing...not just an exercise in hopefulness. I'm really thinking through that one. It will come at the right time...hopefully soon. I will get the books you recommended and post back at the end of the week. You are a great resource for so many of us on the BB. Thanks again, and I look forward to meeting up with you again.
Sincerely, Mooka
P.S. I met with Joanne, C, last Fri in Woodstock....she's great (2nd session) On the way out I met and spoke with Michele...she was so warm, caring, and encouraging. I was thrilled to meet and talk with her for 5-10 minutes, she's like a celebrity to me. I thanked her for all her efforts helping us to mend our relationships....she's a real gift to us all.
