Welcome to piecing. Why did I think I'd already posted to you? Probably saw your posts to LL and responded there.
This is definitely the place to be. You'll see our ups and our downs, and yes, there are plenty of both. Overall though, I sense a trend for the better in the majority of threads here. And SOOO many commonalities it's a little scary sometimes.
Your sitch IS fairly new, so if you have the time, check on some of our older threads, here or even over in newcomers to have a better idea of what it was like for some of us in the early months.
I think you're doing amazingly well!
Shiny
P.S. There's something my 18 year old niece said to me a couple of months ago I'd like to share. Her folks (my Brother and SIL) split up amicably last August (just after my first bomb ). This was in February. She was pondering on what topic to choose for an English paper, it had to be something personal. As I know she'd had at least one serious R which had its problems (he cheated on her, they broke up, got back, broke up), I suggested she write about relationships.
In a split second she replied "Yeah, like how you can't trust anyone?"...I was rather shocked. She sounded very bitter (It was her birthday, both parents were there).
I guess I just wanted to cheer on those of you with kids...all the MORE reason to fight for your M's. What better gift to give them than the knowledge that an M CAN survive horrid circumstances and be all the stronger for it. Or that at the very least their parents did EVERYTHING they could to make it work. (I think she felt her parents gave up too easily, I rather agree).
Welcome to piecing. Why did I think I'd already posted to you? Probably saw your posts to LL and responded there.
This is definitely the place to be. You'll see our ups and our downs, and yes, there are plenty of both. Overall though, I sense a trend for the better in the majority of threads here. And SOOO many commonalities it's a little scary sometimes.
Your sitch IS fairly new, so if you have the time, check on some of our older threads, here or even over in newcomers to have a better idea of what it was like for some of us in the early months.
I think you're doing amazingly well!
Shiny
P.S. There's something my 18 year old niece said to me a couple of months ago I'd like to share. Her folks (my Brother and SIL) split up amicably last August (just after my first bomb ). This was in February. She was pondering on what topic to choose for an English paper, it had to be something personal. As I know she'd had at least one serious R which had it's problems (he cheated on her, they broke up, got back, broke up), I suggested she write about relationships.
In a split second she replied "Yeah, like how you can't trust anyone?"...I was rather shocked. She sounded very bitter (It was her birthday, both parents were there). I guess I just wanted to cheer on those of you with kids...all the MORE reason to fight for your M's. What better gift to give them than the knowledge that an M CAN survive horrid circumstances and be all the stronger for it. Or that at the very least their parents did EVERYTHING they could to make it work. (I think she felt her parents gave up too easily, I rather agree).
LL, you are really there for us....thanks so much. This morning H pressed me on why I was distant...H was heading into the city to meet an out-of-town "friend" for lunch. I went into the OW mentality...and tried to keep it in. He said just talk to me, we can't continue to build up resentment. I then finally said....why don't you tell me the name of the person you are seeing, why do you keep things from me? He sighed, and said....don't smother me. I wished I hadn't said anything. I said I was trying to understand him better...but at times he still confuses me. He got over it, and told me to stop playing head games. I said I'd keep trying. He was only gone a short while...I took a long walk...prayed a bit...and cooled off. When he got home we spent the afternoon together....hit golf balls and watched a movie. H plans to spend most of Sunday with me.. I've got to just keep patient and keep dbing. Tricky...my D asked where he went today....I covered, but she reads through stuff. She doesn't necessarily trust his whereabouts either. It's wierd, that's when I feel my role-modeling as a spouse kind of sucks. I feel she looks at me and is thinking...Mom is way too tolerant of him. It makes me feel weak around her. I want so badly for both my kids to grow into adults that can find happiness in their own R and not mis-trust everyone. I keep praying that they and we are guided in a positive, forward direction. Thanks for letting me vent a bit. You are great. And I see where you are helping so many other newcomers that are joining in on the journey. Feeling better now. Mooka
KAW You are sooooo right. I've got to keep counting to 10 when those insecure, angry emotions start to rise. I really need to work on that. And the idea of is what I'm about to say or do helping us or pushing H away. I have so many talks with myself in my head....I've never talked to myself so much in my life before this. Deep breaths help too. You and LL have jumped right in and offered great support. Thank you. I'm really finding release in this method of venting. Thanks again. Mooka
Hey Sue, Nice to hear from someone in the same shoes. I need to find your thread to understand more of your journey. thanks for the words of encouragement and support. Today I was starting not to do too well, but caught myself. How are your kids handling your situation. Do they know most of your issues, or were you able to keep them from it. Mine know more than I wished they did....my S overheard my first emotional outburst when I accused H of OW and affair. He knows enough and accused his Dad in front of all of us. H is struggling with the kids knowing so much. That's hard. I would like to hear if other parents are struggling with their teens/adult kids that are also seeing their parents act irrational at times. Anyway thanks for the welcome. Hope to keep hearing from you. Mooka
HI Shineybear, Well, I was just reading and responding to my threads....and yes I did see double and laughed....that's always good for the spirit. Anyway, H walked in and asked who I was emailing. I honestly told him that I was in a chat room related to this forum.. He's read a chapter of the DR book. I felt awkward...and told him so...said I'd never done this before, but was finding people that could relate. He seemed ok, and said well this is new for both of us and if I find support, so be it. I said I was only be honest and moved on. Thanks for your thoughts, they're right on. I have read some of your threads and will keep looking to better understand your journey. Again, thanks for your guidance. Mooka
Hi..our kids knew something was not right...if you find my thread you will read there was a ff/coworker...h was drawn in by someone who is an alcholic..dependent, weak, likes men, any man..anyways I all along did not think he would ever cheat on me..and he assured me nothing was going on...but she called at all hours drunk usually...she sep from her h, and guess who helped her move..guess who she called to fix things..so while there was no a..there was something that was sep h and I...I look back now and believe my h is having a hard time with the fact that I did not trust him, but the signs were there. When h got apartment I kept telling him he had to tell the kids, and not the day before he moves...he did and cried his eyes out explaining what he needed for himslef.. our d20 sat there with tears streaming and our s23 said nothing..after he left for a drive..I told the kids that I had thought that maybe there was something with ff..whom they know as I had her here to try to understand her..but I said that I finally understood that their dad was just trying to help her in someway..he also told the kids that he needed space..that he feels like he has lost himself over the years..that it did not neccesary mean d...so kids are doing ok..h and I have never fought..so they have not seen and heard any of that..they see me becoming stronger and can't help but see thier dad more relaxed and back to his old self. I think kids know far more than we think..and I was terribly worried about h leaving and the affect..younger kids must have a more dificult time, but any kids don't want to see their parents split.Be sure and not bad mouth him in front of them. I have also had to deal with rumors from friends and family menbers...seems people saw my h and ff out..and I know they went out as they are partners on bowling team, they work togehter and after meetings they went out..it was nothing he kept from me...but people assumed things and started talking...my d and I ralked about it one night and she said "don't worry about what others say..if you and Dad know the truth that's all that matters"...I have also said to her that I wish he would give me some kind of clue or answer as to what he might wan to do..again she said"Mom..let him have his space..when he figures outwhat he wants he will probably tell you!'" Kids!!!!!!theya re so wise beyond their years.
So in a nutshell..keep yourself strong...you will be ok what ever way your m ends up.
My sitch is on the newcomer's board. I need help with the latest development. H on business trip with suspected OW or too close of a friend. Not sure how deep the "friendship" is. Anyway, he called 1x this week, very brief. I highly suspect (have very good proof) H went to the beach 2x with OW in the past 2 months and not with his guy friend he told me he was going with. He is the typical people pleaser and lies to not "make waves." If he only understood how much worse these lies are!!
Do I say anything about his continued lies? Do I keep it to myself and act like everything is great. H flies home tomorrow, we are S so kids and I will see him monday.
We had a very good week before he left. ML 3x in 1 week. Have not been intimate prior to that since the seperation 6wks. ago. He had made a comment ~1wk. ago about OW being DEMANDING. HELP, WHAT TO DO???? nik
Probably saw your posts to LL and responded there.
Overall though, I sense a trend for the better in the majority of threads here. And SOOO many commonalities it's a little scary sometimes.
). This was in February. She was pondering on what topic to choose for an English paper, it had to be something personal. As I know she'd had at least one serious R which had its problems (he cheated on her, they broke up, got back, broke up), I suggested she write about relationships.
HI Shineybear,