It's been a rough, rough week. All I can think about is what happens when he comes back. I have been going out, but otherwise ignoring my other GAL activities in favor of obsessing.
When we talked last, and I brought up the subject of our friendship and contact, he said, "but we haven't even decided what we are going to do now," implying that he can't REALLY be friends while we're still in limbo. So, although he didn't say it, I'm thinking that when he gets back, he's going to ask for at least a legal separation. Possibly a D.
My mom thinks that I should agree to a legal S, and tell him that I don't want it, but if he does, he can go ahead and get a lawyer and research it, get the papers together, etc. He can look into what a D would entail if he wants. She thinks that the issue is control for him, and if I give it to him and agree to move forward with some decision, he'll drag his feet and won't do it. Plus, it might clue him in to the reality of what a legal S or D would mean financially for both him and I. 50/50 split here in California, and he doesn't have the first clue about it. Denial is his middle name.
Also, I snooped on his Facebook account. (My middle name is Backslide) and saw that the LDEA girl was on his friends list, as unattractive and cheesy as ever (sorry, I know that's mean, but true). It proves nothing, since I don't think you can remove friends once added to Facebook (right?). He's told me repeatedly that he doesn't talk to her anymore and calls what he did really stupid and childish, and is ashamed of it. I also found out how to get in touch with her boyfriend, if I need to, through Facebook.
I'm sorry to vent on here guys, I am just struggling and sad. I went from feeling stronger last week, to feeling like his returning is like Kryptonite. I think I will agree to move forward with a legal S if he asks for it. I think it might make him relax and open himself up to a more real friendship with me. I'm just broken up at the thought of it, but it might give me a chance to move forward in my own head and stop waiting for him to change his mind. "If you set something free..."
Any thoughts? Advice?
Last edited by iamlost; 07/14/0807:50 PM.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
The first time I saw my wife she told me very flatly that it was over and she hated that we could not even be friends. She knew my friendship was important and she neglected it but she could not see past her husband to see her friend. Two weeks later we were out having a great time as friends and the weekend after that too, next week I am taking her to a movie. As much as we don’t know what to do they don’t know what they want so DON’T listen to the negative.
It’s impossible not to think of things, so remember the good memories but build a wall around your heart for now and lock those away. The most helpful advice I’ve gotten so far is to accept that this R is over. That’s harsh but it is, and you don’t want it back. Your M is not over and you want the chance to build a new R, but it won’t be the same one and that is a good thing.
I go back and forth about the pros and cons of legal separation. She has not asked for it but several people including my work tell me to get one to protect myself. I will not do it because I don’t want to put any thoughts into her head but if she brought it up I don’t know. I know what you are saying but I would rather buy myself some time by saying “that seems like a lot right now could we give it a few more months first” never hurts to ask. In my job I have had the opportunity to go to a special school to resist being interrogated and a key point in that is to delay things as long as possible. There are lots of ways of putting that off with out being rude or saying no, but if you easy give in to that then next step is D and he already has the lawyer to do it. Understand that it just my thoughts on that and it maybe out to lunch.
I am glad you recognize the backslide. That way you can fix it and not beat yourself up about it or have me beat you up. That seems to be a very common thing amongst us LBS. The lack of information and contact can drive us to do stupid things. My W even called me a stocker (bit harsh bye the way). The one common thing that everyone says is, it did not give them the info they wanted and it caused them pain. Pain is all that can come from looking at Facebook or Myspace right now. If I had the power I would destroy those websites they have only weaken our country. What happened to friends actually meeting to be friends? Please don’t hurt yourself anymore with that stuff.
Except that for a while anytime you feel strong and up a notch, you are going to follow that with weak and back two notches. Those are the facts of life right now, but what you don’t see is you are stronger and you are moving forward it just does not feel that way. I am really sorry that you are sad, I am too. I wish I could hang out with you and feel miserable together but since I can’t keep telling us all about it and never be sorry for that.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
The most helpful advice I’ve gotten so far is to accept that this R is over. That’s harsh but it is, and you don’t want it back. Your M is not over and you want the chance to build a new R, but it won’t be the same one and that is a good thing.
You're totally right. Thanks for that.
Originally Posted By: JWS
I go back and forth about the pros and cons of legal separation.
Me too, and I hear what you're saying. All I think I'm really going to say yes to is moving forward on his part. If he wants a legal arrangement, he can do the work to look into it. If he actually does get to the point of producing papers for me to sign, which knowing him is doubtful--but a definite possibility, I don't think that he will like the outcome. Leaving it in his court is a risk, but as long as we are in limbo, he will, I think, resist our friendship. At least that is what he seems to be saying. However, he has been gone for 6 weeks and it might be a different story once he is actually back here.
Originally Posted By: JWS
Pain is all that can come from looking at Facebook or Myspace right now.
The most painful part is seeing how far he fell from his own standards, the man I married, with his LDEA--it's depressing to me. It really seems like it was because, as people have told me, he didn't feel like a real man due to our tough situation.
Thanks, as always, for your helpful & kind words.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
What seems to have worked with JWS and I is to validate the s's feelings and swallow our own pride a bit. Get an empathy with them and that way they feel as if they aren't fighting you and let their guard down a little. So, for me saying that I'll sell the house was very difficult but my h appreciated me saying I would sell it and felt empathy for me. If I had said no, he would have gone away feeling angry and that wall would still be up. At least now there is a chip...
I kind of feel the same about fb and myspace. I do feel like they helped build a wedge between my h and I. Revisiting the past is not always a good thing, it is past for a reason and now it means I can snoop (I do everyday, even though nothing ever happens on my h's page). It was how I found out about ow woman and in a way I wish I hadn't as I only have half the information and it really has just left me paranoid when there is a probable 80% chance nothing has ever happened!
Take this time before your h comes back to work out how you can respond in the best ways to the probable topics of conversations that may come up, that way you are prepared. We can always work it out together if you need a sounding board, it's what we're here for. GAL this week by doing stuff for yourself, get pampered so you look gorgeous when you see him. It will make you feel so much better too.
Thanks, Julia. I think, in his very confused mind, he's sort of been waiting for me to say to him, let's get a legal S, and then I would do all the work, and he could continue running on his merry way, setting bridges on fire behind him, or "disappear" as he said he wished he could do out of recognizing how far he's fallen.
It's just not going to be that easy, and he has a lot of difficult realizations about that coming, and I am sorry for him about it, because he is so far in denial it's not funny. I'll agree to move forward if he wants, but I'm not going to lift a finger to help the process along.
Me letting things up to his control/direction would be a huge 180 for me.
He gets back tomorrow, and I think I will contact him and just tell him I want to see him when he has some time. I think I am prepared for whatever he could say to me, and I look forward to finding out where his head is at, no matter where it is at. Some information is better than none at all. Plus, I will take your advice and try to look my very best with a PMA and confidence.
By the way, you guys have made me feel so much better, I think I'm going to go for a run, which I had been so good about but neglecting and slacking off on this week.
Much love and gratitude and (((hugs)))!
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
I was going to say the same thing pisces said. Maybe give it a day or two, and I know that your heart probably just hit the floor because you have been counting the hours until his return, but you would rather him not know that. If you wait till mid week and then ask to see him on the weekend it may give him a chance to get settled in at home. In a way he has been able to hide from it for a while being out of town. It might affect him to get home and not have you call him that very day.
I am very proud of your with supporting the legal sep stuff but not lifting a finger. That is perfect. It will force him to have a little bit of reality in his life. I am sure that being on vacation for a month has left him in more of a fantasy land, so reality would be a good thing.
What you said about falling from his own standards is very true. If I sat my W down two years ago and read her this blog of our current story, she would have been livid. She always believed in M and fighting things out and for better or worse, the whole thing. If she was to look at this story from a different prospective she would not like it one bit.
I am sure that your H of old would be very saddened to know he would end up this way as well. Witch is all the more reason for understanding and forgiveness on our part. It would (and is) easy to judge but I imagine that alone sometime they judge themselves enough, and our empathy will go a lot father to our goals then judging.
Enjoy that run and focus on you and your GALs the rest of the week, don’t forget that time is on your side and if that means he has to wait a day or two to hear from you upon his return that is not a bad thing. I remember how the roller coaster was in full swing when I first go to see her, so I will be checking in more often this week if you need to vent. :o)
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
