Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy For the Guy with kids and a WW 6

Puppy, it was I that took down the Marriage Contract. She took down the Marriage Prayer with a collage of wedding photos in our bedroom on Friday night. I took down the contract, the little statue and the other set of wedding photo collage.

I was angry.

Today, I will lighten up a bit. I will stay on the high road. If I see the phone again, I will tell her to put it away and charge it at work. I AM going to take the charger and put it in her purse when she gets home, too. If she inquires about it, I will let her know that it was rude of her and I don't want to see it ever again.

Good.

So far, what a day. Still at work.

Started out sad. Got over that. We had a customer appreciation day today at the office. My coworker and I cooked up hot dogs and passed out sodi's. Giving out gas cards for new accounts. Busy day. Hot out. Lot's going on. Later, HR comes by and lets my partner go! He is the guy that I was able to help get back with his wife. He was a WAS. Something from his last job came back to haunt him. He was a good guy and we had gotten close. He of course knew my sitch, and really tried to help me GAL. That was upsetting.

Then I miss a call from roomie's ex. The one that S14 is going to move in with. His dad. Roomie told S14 on Sunday that she wants to meet with his dad. Talk about what is going on. I have had to be the go between them for years. They ALWAYS end up fighting. We started out that way, but he finally figured out that I am a great guy. He left me a VM about him not wanting to meet roomie. If she wants to talk, then maybe over the phone. He knows they end up arguing. I'm going to have to call him back and let him know that it between him and her now. I am no longer in the middle.

I think he is going to eventually ask her for child support. That would be interesting.

Then at the end of the day, "B" calls me. My other friend "D" was texting me earlier. She wanted me to call her. Never got a chance to call her back, though. I'm gonna call her when I get out of work. Maybe. Talked to "B" for a while. She wanted to see if I wanted to meet her and our other friend for a quick drink. I can't make it tonight, but maybe some other time. We catch up a bit. I actually thought about her this past weekend. Not sure why. She asked how things were. I told her that wife SAYS she is moving, but is still home.

I told her like I told my coworker. The one that has been trying to get me to go out.

I am enjoying being a full time parent, right now. If and when she moves out, I will have plenty of time to go out and do things for myself. Right now, my focus is family time. Even including my wife. I want them to remember how the family time was important to me.

I just remembered something. Last night at home. Still hadn't heard from wife about what time she would be home. I asked S14 if he had heard from her. He said yes, that she had a busy day and was going to be home late. I kind of got on him about relaying the info to me.

I said, "Were you going to tell me?"
"What?"
"Were you going to let me know that you had talked to her? Letting me know what time to maybe expect her?"
"I dunno. Why? She's your wife."

Ooh, I got pissed. I walked into his room. I usually would have gone off on him.

"Don't talk to me like that again. Ok, son? That was very rude. And by the way, no, your mother does not think that she is my wife, Ok."
"Ok. Sorry."


I am not as big a puss as I might come across as here. I am the strong silent type. I am able to let a lot of stuff roll of my back, but I don't get pushed around. Except for my sitch. I learn a little more about myself everyday.

I told my boss today, as she was telling me about coworker. I know my work has not been great. My sales are down. I am gonna step up. I will get my personal life under control. She starts to talk to me about letting my life control my actions. My work. We talk about addictions and control. We both like to be in control and would never let ourselves be addicted to something.

But I told her that I DO have ONE addiction.

I then told her, "From now on, I am no longer going to let my situation control me, I will control my situation." I told her that everyone has their Kryptonite, and I have mine. She says, "And her name is....."

I told her, "Not anymore."

In your talk, like puppy said, get some clarification (which will , in turn, get your W to take responsibility for her choice, and hopefully open her eyes to what she is choosing as well).

Example:

"So, to make sure I am hearing you correctly, you are choosing to leave the family before knowing if you have done everything to repair our marriage?" (When she says she has done everything, start listing books, retrovaille, counseling, etc. and then repeat the question. Or if she says it cannot be repaired, repeat the question listing all that she has not done yet.)

"So, let's make sure I'm understanding this, you are willing to leave the marriage before doing what could be done in about 3 months to make sure it is irrepairable?"

"You are choosing to be a part time parent. Yes?"

"You are choosing to fight for custody of your children. Yes?"

"You are choosing to lose my friendship. Yes?"

"You will not stop seeing the OM and give me full transparency?"

Remind her that these are HER choices.

Be strong, not angry and hostile. When she starts in with "Well, ROGER, blah blah blah" like you are an idiot, you calmly ask her to stop talking to you so condescendingly.

You need to stand up for yourself now. You are at the point of bursting with anger and losing any chance. This is it.

Let us know how it goes. Prayers for you. I hope she makes good choices in the end. Even if she makes choices you don't like, follow through with the consequences.

Do NOT be overly nice, do not let her draw you into a pleasant conversation....this all helps her cope with her bad decisions. She needs to feel the unpleasantness of it all now I believe. If you need to say, "I really dont want to have friendly conversation, Clarissa. You have decided we are done." etc.

Ok I was writing to you when you sent your last message. You are talking about B and D because you are feeling the loss of ur wife. Do NOT call them back. You need to deal with one thing at a time. PLEASE. You are angry, you are hurt, you are lonely. You are not in a state to be meeting with other single women. Believe me, I know.

Oh, and one more thing...I hear your strength in your last post....hold on to that....do not let anger and hostility seep into it. Just be strong on your boundaries and what needs to happen now. You love your W, and you want to keep your marriage, but you won't let her keep seeing the OM while living with you. She needs to make a decision about something and feel some consequences.

I hope I am helpful, because I just took up so much of your posting space. !!!!!!!!

"My Immortal"
By Evanescense

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

wdid, I posted the song before I was able to read your words.

Thank you.

You are helping me find more strength. I know your sitch. I know a little about you. The things your telling me to consider saying, well they are things that I know I have to say. I just need help finding the right words. You helped.

Thank you.

H4H,

I have that song on my iPod. I put it on there when I was going thru my chit last summer. It's a haunting, beautiful song.

Puppy

I got home late yesterday. Roomie called me at about 7pm, asking if I was home already. I told her that I worked really late. She said her too and that she stopped my Pennys to make a payment. We talked a little about my day. Told her I got the kids starting dinner at home and I would see her at home.

At home, I did not greet her. Until later. Just a hi. She cooked dinner. While cooking dinner, I take her phone charger and stick it in her purse. I notice she has brought a few more boxes home.
I am being pretty upbeat. Making some tea, playing with the kids, dancing with them. We are having a good time. We sit down to eat.

After dinner at the table, we are all talking. S14 asks if he can go to the movies on Thurs. with friends. He was supposed to meet some kid from out of town, but the kid cancelled. I told him that I don't approve of him meeting up with ANYONE that he has met over the internet.

"I told mom."
"When? I haven't heard about it."
"I told her on Sunday. Remember mom?"
Roomie starts to say, "And what did I say?"
"You said that you had to meet him first."
Roomie is making like she did not remember. I become very quiet. I say again that I don't approve of him meeting anyone. He is too young and you just never know.

She needs to start acting like a parent. Not a cool friend. She has always hated to be the one to go against what they want. I had to always be the bad guy.

At this point, I was going to say that I will no longer have any say in what S14 does anymore, but that I still care and love him.

I didn't say anything. Just sat there. Wife knew I was upset. At her.

Everything chills out and we get up to clean. Kids go do thier thing. Roomie sits to watch the news. I get a call from a coworker. The one that I could be in love with.

Just kidding. Well...

We talk for a good half hour. I get up and grab some watermelon. Just for myself. I sit on sofa with roomie and finish the news. I notice she is making hurting sounds. I ask if she is ok. Her tooth is hurting. I ask if she's taken any ibuprofen. She says she will. She gets up and tells me that she is going to take a shower. She walks over to her purse on the piano. I can see her in my periferal. Grabs her phone. Both of them. I see her looking in her purse. She looks over to plug where her charger used to be.

"Did you put this in here?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Take it to work."
"Why?"
"Take it and charge that phone at work."
"Why? No one calls me on it."
"Thats the phone you use to talk to him with. That was rude to me."
"That was rude to you?"
"Yes. Rude to me."
"I'm having trouble with this one."
Pause.
"Whatever. Fine." She walks off mad.

She showers and then I shower. D6 is wanting to sleep with us. I hear roomie telling D6, "Ok, Juli, lets go get to bed." Like she was not going to sleep in our bed. D6 gets comfy in our bed.

So we go to bed. Goodnights to each D6, not to each other.

I get extra early this morning. I have to open. Get ready. Roomie getting ready about 30 minutes early.
"You know its only 6:30, right?"
"What? I thought it was 7:30! Thats why I'm rushing."

I walk away. Ok, that would mean that she thought that I purposly let her oversleep and did not wake her. Only myself.

I know her. That is exactly what she was thinking.

She continues getting ready. I am ready early, so I sit on sofa for a bit drinking some coffee. This used to be our early morning routine. Have a few minutes before leaving, sit on sofa, drink some coffee and talk a little before we leave. She does her hair and comes and makes herself a frozen waffle. I start telling how sad I was yesterday and talk a little about my friend that got fired. She asks me if I want a waffle, too. I decline and say thanks.

She is sitting with me. Me on sofa, her on the matching chair facing me, eating. I ask if she works in Saturday. She says yes. I tell her that I want to have a talk on Saturday when she gets out of work. I can take the kids to grandma's.

"Whats there to talk about?"
"Your move, finances. Stuff."
She is looking at me.
"I don't know. I'll see."
"What do you mean, either it is yes or no."
"I don't know. We'll see. I might go do something."
"Well can you ask and let me know."
"Ask who?"
"Whoever you are going out with."
"I don't know WHO I'm going out with. I might just go by myself."
I look at her. She is looking away. She looks at me.
I say, "What?"
"Your looking at me."
"I'm waiting for an answer. I would like to talk."
Pause. "I'll let you know today."
"Thank you."

I am up, get my things. "Have a good day."
"YOU have a good day." Just a hint of sarcasm. She thinks I was being sarcastic.

Again, I know her.

She doesn't want to talk. I could see it in her face. That look that WAS's give the LBS's. That look of rejection. Dejection. If she says no, then I'll just initiate a talk before then.

My last ditch effort.

I'll take any other speaking points that anyone wants to suggest.