Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy For the Guy with kids and a WW 6

When wife started working at her job a couple years ago. The one that eventually was lost last year. She met up with an EGF. A skank rock and roller. Roomie hated rock. I always listend to rock. For her, pop, yes. Christian music, yes. Rock. Nope. All the sudden she was a rocker chick. Going to concerts. Dressing in tight, tight jeans. No more underwear. She did always wear a thong, at least before. She started listening to this cd. I knew she did not really listen to the lyrics. She just heard a few words, knew it was a chick singing, and thought it was about a girl telling her guy she is gone and done. Trying to relate it to her. She didn't realize that it related more to me.

YOu handled that PERFECTLY!!!!!!!! Absolutely perfectly!!!!!!! She doesn't want to talk...that means she has to face the reality, it is easier to face just her feelings right now and just do what she is feeling.

This is it. Make it count, h4h. Be strong and tell her like it is. She needs to see the reality of it all now. If you don't tell her and help her see it, she will move on.

Again, your talk was PERFECT!

Country music. This makes it easy to try and not listen to.


What I Didn’t Do
Steve Wariner


I didn't cheat,
I didn't lie,
So her leaving took me by surprise.
Just a note on the table,
Saying we're through.
At first I went crazy,
So it took me sometime.
But I finally read between the lines.
It's not what I did,
It's what I didn't do.

I didn't tell her,
Each day I loved her.
I took it for granted,
Somehow she knew.
I didn't hold her,
When she needed a shoulder.
It's not what I did,
It's what I didn't do.

Now it's easy to see,
Why her love died.
She was planning her nights,
By the T.V. Guide.
She needed me with her,
More than I knew.
I was too busy working,
Getting ahead.
When I should of been home,
Loving her instead.
It's not what I did,
It's what I didn't do.

I didn't tell her,
Each day I loved her.
I took it for granted,
Somehow she knew.
I didn't hold her,
When she needed a shoulder.
It's not what I did,
It's what I didn't do.
Oh, It's not what I did,
It's what I didn't do.

That made me tear up. You really have a chance, h4h, because you realize your part in this. I'm always more worried about the spouses who focus only on the cheating and never take any blame. You are a good man, and you are doing everything you can. Hugs to you.

Nicely done. BOUNDARY ENFORCED -- good job!



Nicely done again!!! Calmly wouldn't let her squirm out of it!

Puppy

It doesn't feel like I did a damn thing.

It feels worse. Like I'm stoking the flames and not in a good way.

Do I still force that conversation if she says she doesn't want to talk on Saturday? I did not see the good of our conversation.

I DO have a habit of focusing on her, but that is when things get heated. Then I have to come back and say that I wasn't perfect. I'm sure that things come out as what SHE is doing wrong. I have to keep the focus on us. On what WE did wrong. How only WE can repair it.

Don't know if I'll get to to talk about that stuff.

Again, speaking points to cover, anyone?

H4H

Something that has been suggested to me is to acknowledge that mistakes have been made in the past and to own your share of them. I have used this recently, adding "I get it" at the end. It seemed to hit a chord with my W. She responded by saying she doesn't want to hear about change - she wants to see the actions...

Didn't accomplish much at the time but it did open up a longer conv.

I am sure others can help out much more than I. I am in the same boat as you bud. My WW wants communication - she even says that is ALL she wanted from me (that is a big switch in my mind from where nothing was right). When we talk, and even more so, when she talks and I acknowledge, we click. When I am quiet, I am the proverbial "brickwall" in her mind.

If only there was a magic wand...

No, you did really well. It feels worse because there is conflict here and she is getting upset/mad and you don't want your W upset. No one wants their spouse upset.

Yes, you are stoking the flames to start getting something out. Better to do that, then to let the flames die out on their own and not do anything.

She will not want to talk Saturday. Heck, YOU dont even want to. This is really tough. Things will be faced very clearly and this is hard for both of you to do.

There are 2 big reasons you need to have this talk. ONE- You are resenting her and getting really angry at her and if something isn't done soon you will hate her forever and move on yourself. TWO- She is moving out and doing so without facing the reality of it. She is still seeing the OM, and the marriage has no chance if she is still seeing him.

The main thing is be calm and strong and try to not get angry. Ok, yes you can't focus on just her being the problem. Yes, you say you BOTH need to work together. THe focus is on her choices right now. She needs to state her choice as plain as day. Look back at the questions I said you should ask her. If she cannot do those things, you will not be able to work on the marriage. Look back at what Kat had said, too. Get the clarity for you and HER. If she chooses to stay with OM and leave the home, tell her exactly what the consequences of that will be and begin those consequences immediately.

She will not be running to you with open arms saying "I want to work this out with you." That is not going to happen. Expect it to be less than romantic. The whole thing is awful. She has cheated on you, she feels she doesn't love you, she is miserable, you are miserable, BUT she has to CHOOSE to TRY one last time and the only way she can is if she has no contact with OM and stays in the home to work WITH you.

H4H,

It doesn't "feel" like you did anything, because you did a 180, dude. And it doesn't feel right because in the past, you were too supplicating and too enabling, and now you've stood up to her, and you've let her know that YOU are now setting the agenda, not her.

Yes, you insist upon the conversation.

Yes, you acknowlege your contributions to the state of the marriage, pre-affair. But under NO CIRCUMSTANCES do you take ANY responsibility for her decision to have an affair. Whenever she tries to put things back on you, you say "I understand, and I've already apologized for that. But that didn't give you the right to have an affair," or " . . . but having an affair wasn't the right way to go about it."

H4H, you acknowledge ALL of the marital issues, hint at your growth and self-awareness of them, and assure her that you are willing to discuss ANY and ALL of them . . . AFTER she ends her affair and returns to work on your marraige.

But since she's the one who broke her vows, she gets to go first.

Puppy

Yes, I agree with Puppy. I was thinking.....be firm, don't be wishy washy...but don't be a dick. Think of it this way.....if this is the very last conversation you will have with her, say she died the very next day, what would you say about your love for her? Say that along with what she needs to do for you to be able to work on things with her and what will happen if she does not. You can love her to pieces but it won't matter if she doesn't stay home and stop contacting the OM.