Thanks for checking in...i'm doing okay. There seem to be some odd things happening right now in my sitch...not bad, not necessarily good, just odd... I'm just keeping still about it all.
Thanks for checking in on me, yoyo and lwb. I've been trying to get on here with more that was a little less cryptic, but work has been pretty hectic lately, and i've actually been sleeping a little better (although not last night...), so not as much late night posting!!
I think odd is a good characterization of this week's events, and they've left me feeling unsure of what to do. I'll try to be brief in summarizing: H was acting really down earlier this week, so I did some email snooping. Got the sense that there had been some smallish kerfluffle between H and OW over the weekend, and that H had lied to her about some of his activities with us (possibly to avoid going by to see her on Sunday). Then found out that he was terminating his month-to-month lease for the apt(had only rented it one month, although H had told me it had started 2 weeks prior those nights were mostly with OW (kids away), and since then, stopping by for 'late evening visits' when they were already asleep) or at our house). H had emailed OW to let her know that this had happened to him because the owner only wanted to rent to him more long-term and he had declined due to cost, and some other place hadn't worked out...so he wouldn't have an apt after July 31st...that they could talk about it at a more convenient time, but that he needed to let her know... That seemed odd; at that point, I had figured H would have tried to work it out with owner to allow him to continue much more access to OW...
But what really knocked me over was an exchange the next day H had with the owner that revealed H had chosen to let go of the lease...owner responds with "i thought you were going to continue with month-to-month" H's reply that he knew owner was looking for a long-term tenant, and that he hadn't ever been sure how long he would need it... it even got a little heated with the owner about advance notice... but H still turned in the keys yesterday and stayed at our house last night. So a total lie to OW!
I feel pretty confident that this was not a ploy on H's part to get OW to offer him to live with her and her boys; she's always been the one pushing him to move forward/public with their relationship...and he has hung back. It's all about our boys, not me, I know, but it's very odd.
I know that he is still talking to OW daily, and i have a very strong feeling that he will be at OW's black belt test tonight (same school our Ss went to, so he could still do it without being "outed" by the folks there) Last night when S12 tried to get him to commit to watching a movie with us tonight, H was very vague...a common MO for him. He will likely tell us that he is going to run by school to start work on getting classwork together... or something like that.
We leave 3 weeks from today to drive our S18 up to college; I'm not going to do any boatrocking during that period...
L, First of all, be sure to take care of yourself. I think the he may be seeing the grass is not greener on the other side, but you know what they say, at this time have zero expectations.
I remember when we took DD20 off to college for the first time, boy was it tough!
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I'm trying, but it was a tough weekend. H did go to OW's test on Friday; the excuse was that he had to go buy new running shoes and stop at his office. Dumb@ss left the receipt out upon his return and it showed he'd bought them at noon that day!! DUH... H did not go to the afterparty, and this led to weekend long exchanges between them about issues/concerns H still has about making that next step in their R... and yet even last night H was talking about options involving constructing a new patio/porch in our backyard...
H has also not said anything to me about letting lease go (he's stayed at home since Thurs night); i'm guessing for the moment he's going to pretend he still has it; lets him go to OW's at night and return predawn just like he was when he had the apt.
I've let myself get sucked right back into the vortex that is their drama...and it was incredibly painful to watch it unfolding this weekend online, and on phone...like watching a movie. I know that there is nothing I can, or should, do to insert myself in it. It hurts so much...and yet I'm finding it nearly impossible to forcibly extract myself from continuing what is basically a form of voyeurism, I guess.
But I must...I had a real low spell last night late and was crying. My S18 must have heard and came in and hugged me very tightly...just told him I was having a tough night and feeling sad.
If I had to lay a wager, it would be that OW will be able to convince H to decide this week to go forward with OW and H will find a real apt soon to move to. That's the mindset I feel I need to adopt at this point, and I pray that then it will be easier for me to detach...
But the fact that he's doing this right now, at a time of upheaval for our family anyway (with S18 leaving for college) makes me want to absolutely rip him apart...
Have any of you done prolonged snooping to monitor the status of a spouse's R with an OP?
Here is my take on what has been happening. Obviously this is just a guess. H sees no long term future with OW and could well be happy just to keep her as a " bit on the side" , by moving to Apptmt she may have put pressure on him to be more involved with her now he is away from home. So he is trying to back away a little.
In the end it could be completely different. That is the problem with snooping , you never realy get the full picture. To my mind , you can use it to test honesty but little else.
Just checking on you! I'm sorry that your H seems so unsure of what he's doing. I suspect that my H has not told OW of the fact that he's been with us so much over the past few days either.
I am impressed with your son. How close you must be for your son to come in and give you that hug. I remember another person saying that his daughter.....think she was 15 at the time?...did the same thing. Just held him and let him cry. How fortunate are we that we have such loving kids. Just shows how they were raised!
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Just checking on you! I'm sorry that your H seems so unsure of what he's doing. I suspect that my H has not told OW of the fact that he's been with us so much over the past few days either.
I am impressed with your son. How close you must be for your son to come in and give you that hug. I remember another person saying that his daughter.....think she was 15 at the time?...did the same thing. Just held him and let him cry. How fortunate are we that we have such loving kids. Just shows how they were raised!
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Just checking on you! I'm sorry that your H seems so unsure of what he's doing. I suspect that my H has not told OW of the fact that he's been with us so much over the past few days either.
I am impressed with your son. How close you must be for your son to come in and give you that hug. I remember another person saying that his daughter.....think she was 15 at the time?...did the same thing. Just held him and let him cry. How fortunate are we that we have such loving kids. Just shows how they were raised!
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
It would seem that H is giving more thought to taking that next step... maybe a little bit of 'the devil you know versus the devil you don't know...' going on. Seems there has been a lot of drama already in their R.
Quote:
That is the problem with snooping , you never realy get the full picture.
Of course, you are right about that. I can even get a small taste of that when I've seen how H has 'shaded' the truth or even told outright mistruths to OW about things...
And I guess it would make sense that even if H is wavering in really separating and going public with her, it wouldn't mean he felt any less strongly about her (and especially the hot monkey sex I'm sure they're having...). He's still going to be professing love, etc.
It's that old enemy of mine...Mr Expectation...when I let him into my head/heart he causes me trouble!
Still coming through the heartland late this month? We're going to be taking S18 to college weekend of 8/22-24... too bad it's not the following weekend...
