It's been a busy day.. starting at 3:30 AM with me awake, unable to go back to sleep. My mind was churning over something spouse brought up from 25 years ago which he felt was the beginning of the end of our marriage. (I know, I know, don't fall for that stuff.. but I did).
I decided about 3 hours later to call him. He's in Europe for 2 weeks on business. For some reason I wanted him to understand how off his perception was. He went through his set speech of how miserable he was being with me, compromised because the kids were young, that we had a horrible marriage, that I didn't take care of myself.. that it was all me. He added that he was in Greece on vacation.. something I had no clue about.
"That sounds like a nice place." Yes it is was his reply.
I got off the phone and just started sobbing, not knowing why I contact him, what purpose it serves aside from making me so upset. With cellphone in hand I called my brother while sitting in the car so the kids would not be able to hear me in case one of them woke up. My brother had to stop me to get me to breath.
At one point he said.. "You must have a really good day planned to sh*t on yourself so early." As a matter of fact, today was the first day of orientation for volunteering at the hospital. My brother pointed out it was the first time I was taking time to do something that didn't involve spouse, the kids, friends. Just something I've always been interested in... and I sabotaged it by calling spouse.
The day at the hospital was interesting. I love learning about new things and this is a high touch facility. It should be interesting. Tomorrow I have another 8 hours of orientation. Neat.
When I got home spouse had written a note to me and copied his lawyer about my conversation with him earlier. Ugh. I had to do a bunch of CYA's to my lawyer about what I did and didn't know.
Oh my Gypsy. I don't know why we come back for more at times, I really don't.
The pan is hot. If I touch the pan, I will get burned. But, this one time, maybe if I touch the pan, it won't be hot. Maybe it won't burn me.
OUCH to the note about the note/email to the attorneys. Sorry about that.
I love your brother. I love also that your poured yourself into your day. Think of the great day you would have had if you didn't start it with that conversation.
