Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? All settled in 250 miles apart

JWS,

The bitterness is normal....after all you are mad that your W apparently doesn't have as much faith in your M vows as you do. I went from being really ticked off to be very sad to feeling empowered....all of them very powerful.

You have to decide what to do for you, but I would caution you in doing anything vindictive....nothing good can come of it. I think if you decide to not pay the phone bill, then the presentation of it is what matters. Something like, "I'm really trying to help out as much as possible, but I can't afford to pay all of this myself and then suggest something" It all depends upon which approach you want to take tough love or friendship. It is all in what works for you. Has she filed yet or has there been a formal separation?

she has not filed, infact she has never mentoned it and she told me she does not want a D. there is also no legal sep. What she has said is she wants her time and space to do something for herself.

thats why i am confused becasue she acts like its over and shes moved on and all that. if i am supporting her educiation and dream chasing thats one thing, if she thinks she its done with me but i owe her something that is different. i am hesitent to do anything until she gets into the swing of school, so that it is not added stress on her in that way.

i just don't know because she will not open up and talk about anything :o(

You already know what I think about the phone, so I definitely think you're doing the right thing. It's not vindictive at all, and it's not punishing her. In any event, her bad choices are punishment enough. The day she wakes up and realizes where the path she has taken has led is going to be a very sad day, for her.



There are always consequences to hurting someone, and you don't have to worry about applying them yourself. Sorry about all my quotes, but here's one that I think applies:

"Through the law of karma, the effects of all deeds actively create past, present, and future experiences, thus making one responsible for one's own life, and the pain and joy it brings to oneself and others."

what would a 180 be for you? are you scared to bring up the phone issue? is that an old pattern? just bring it up like she is a friend- very mellow....then say its cheaper...see what happens..TD said it well too-
casual friends...that helped me A LOT with my H

JWS,



Then give her this....she has told you what she wants. How you do it is your choice. You know the person you married. Do you honestly think she would stay married to you out of entitlement? I don't knwo the answer you do. I think you have been very noble in what you have been doing so far. Some people may call you a fool. My take on this is, if this has been done from your heart with love then no one can put the label of fool on you. Could you get hurt....yes. Read-up on "real giving" it will give you some insight.

Since your W hasn't filed then I would say you are far from done in her eyes. You have to decide what your limit is. I would caution you about doing anything out of "principal" (i.e. since you want to be separated I am not going to do xyz). There are plenty here that would disagree with me.....so you have to take all this advice and decide what feels right to you. More importantly when making these decisions you have to decide if this action brings you closer to your goal of getting your W back and really look at the reaction and re-evaluate.

example: early in my sep, I decided (with the advice of many friends/family) to go dark and let my W choke on her space. It didn't take but a couple days to figure out that wasn't getting me closer to my goal. I changed gears and went the best friend approach instead and feel it has yielded good results.

Which ever approach you take don't be so galvanized in it that you don't see what is going on it. Do things from the heart....whether it is being a best friend or giving tough love.



By this do you mean R talks (I hope you are not trying to have any of those) or small talk like school, etc?

Thank you.

My path is and will be the best friends aproach, and i am tring hard to sepreate that with my own needs from her. witch i know she is in capable of meeting. you are right about the "i am not doing xyz approach." that is why i have not take done that yet.

I do mean R talks and wish she would open up, but it has to be on here own. I have not iniated any conversations on the subject since i really decided to do the friends thing 3 weeks ago. and this has proven results because she has contacted me twice since that. baby steps right!!

JWS,

Go with what works, like you have been. In the early part of the sep I had pictured this magical moment where we just got together sorted out the past, discussed where we went wrong, decided how we are going to do better in the future....etc, etc, etc....you get the idea. Now after being together again for about 6-7 weeks and things are going very well, I am still applying the DB principals. Honestly I don't know if we will ever have another R talk about what has happened again. What we are doing is showing through our actions how that really isn't necessary. Once thing that has helped me is to accept how there won't be an R talk....and I am good with that. All we can do is go forward...we both know hat got us there...and there is no point in determining who was the chicken adn who was the egg and which one came first.

Baby Steps are important. The nice thing I like about baby steps is once you start getting them (and you don't have any visible backslides) then the steps tend to get bigger and bigger.

you have seen what wokrs and if the friends thing works- keep doing it! good job...and baby steps is right- you are doing great!

the CASUAL friends thing worked very well for my sicth too- going dark wasnt a good choice- a little dim and freindly is working... also- the casual frines thing means how you would have a friendship with anyone else...you call sometimes, they call sometimes..you dont make all the effort...

Hi JWS,

I think that her not having R talks is a good thing, since you already know where you stand at this moment. I think if she decides to open up at some point, that would be an indication of change on her part. It's like waiting for a flower to bloom, you just have to wait.

I just had to have several R talks with my H, for necessary reasons, and they never end up the way I intend them to, it's like a floodgate of emotion spills out from both of you. A lot of old hurts are brought up, both sides try to justify their actions, it's not often pretty, and it could set you back. Just my 2 cents.

JWS,

Iamlost has a very good point here about R talks.




No good comes from this, particularly justifying your actions. I did plenty of this and it never brought me closer to my W. That is because to her it sounds like "see, I wasn't wrong I had every reason to do that". Whether you feel it is right or not doesn't matter, it is what your spouse thinks. One of my favorite sayings is "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy". I spent a lot of time in my M trying to be right....it didn't make me happy.