Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? All settled in 250 miles apart

all good points,

the other person is female but also a close married friend of both of ours from a different circle of friends but a good number of the people who know us at this wedding know her as well. i guess i was not thinking about what other people may think and I certenly don't want to give any wrong impressions. I would have not problem in the world if it got back to W that i went with this other person but there are people there who don't know about us and i have been sticking with the shes at school story at work.

thanks for making me see the other side of things.

JWS,

Another side of it is even though you have a plutonic relationship with this person. If your W is having any sort of EA/PA and she finds out about this she will likely reflect her own guilt on you and possibly look upon this "friendship" very negatively and possibly use it to validate her own EA. It is early in the game....if she isn't "dating" then don't make it look like you could be. Most importantly have a very good time there alone or with W. If W goes with you, don't hang on her the entire time, mingle around quite a bit (assuming she has friends there as well)

JWS, sound advice there from TD.

Also, if you are there with someone else it will look more obvious that you are not there with your wife. It may make you feel more uncomfortable ultimately. At least you can deflect any awkward questions with your school response if you are alone. Of course if you can't face it, you don't have to go but I think it would be nice for you if you could. Weekends can be very long...

If you go with your wife, make it look like you are perfectly capable on your own. You will seem more attractive to her that way. Make her notice you instead of just being there.

thanks guys,

I am going to go to the wedding for sure, I have already blown off two others friends weddings because it was too soon. i am strong enough now not to just get through this but to have a really fun time.

I know its her own fault but i can't stop thinking about her there in that huge city alone. she has no friends there and the family she does have there does not even know she moved to town.

weekends are looooong and i don't have to be back at work for 5 days, with all of last week and then this week being busy i for got to plan something other then this wedding for the holiday weekend, I need to get out of town, so i better pick a destination and hit the road.

What is your plan at the moment? No contact or friendship? Did she give any indication of what she'd like from you?



You sound like me. I am picking a destination that is no more than two hours away by train and just going there. It is at times like this I wish I could drive!

Hope you have a good 4th July. I take it you get the day off for it?

my plan was friendship and that is what she said she wanted, i tried a very up beat email two days ago asking about the appartment and the pets but she has yet to reply. I am not sure to text or call. i don't want to be pushy and i do want her to control communication. i am afraid that the attemps at being frienda and stuff was only because she knew she would need my help with the move and all that :o(

i would not put up with this kind of treatment from any other friend. first i would call them out and say WTF then after a few of those i would just stop tring, but with her its different. a WTF would push her and way and to stop trying is not an option either.

Hey JWS

So you already know the answer really, although it's probably not the one that you want. I think no contact at the moment is the way. You did the right thing in sending the email and making the gesture. She hasn't returned it and anything you do now will be seen as pursuing. I know it is counterintuitive but you saw from my sitch that leaving them alone to get on with it frees them up to contact you.

I really honestly don't think that she was using you to help move. That is quite a vindictive thing to do and I haven't got the impression from what you have said about your wife that she is that way. It sounds like she is taking some time out from the situation and adjusting.

I think it is true that you wouldn't expect friend to act that way, and you wouldn't accept that behaviour from a friend. Under normal circumstances it isn't right that your email should be ignored. But we are not talking about a friend here; these are people in our lives to which we allow great liberties to be taken with us. I think TwinDad gave a very good reason for this once which is, would you rather be right or happy? These alien spouses are very confused people and it is hard to imagine any instance where they would conform to the normal rules of courtesy. It isn't right, but it is reality and they are confused. I don't have any answers I'm afraid except to DB but I think that because they aren't following the normal rules we can't either and berating them for their behaviour doesn't work in the long run. In my experience it only makes it more likely that they will repeat it.

Remember, just because you aren't doing anything doesn't mean your not divorce busting. Having patience is very hard - you know that I struggle immensely with that and I completely understand how you’re feeling.

Thanks,

Your right she is not vindictive, I just feel used but that is one of many feelings that I have been having. Really its kind of a dumb feeling because it implies that I was doing all of that for something in return and that is not the case. I was doing it to help her start school on the best possible foot that she can. Right now that is all that really matters.

This is her one shot right now to do something like this. She is so consumed by it that she is not paying attention to any other aspect of her life.

Yes it is confusing, I hate bouncing back and forth between emotions, and i can not stop planning things in my head. That’s what i do is plan and organize things and I am trying to make sense out of something that does not make sense and more importantly is out of my control. I am working hard on me and like the man I am becoming I just hope I get to share it with her someday.

Thanks for listening. This long weekend is getting to me. I use to live for weekends like this but now I would much rather be at work. Very strange, i was always the guy who would blow off work for just about any reason.

thanks for keeping my head on strait. I know that it has been spinning this last week and I don't seem to be thninking to clearly about things. one goal to the weekend is to reread DB and recage my gyro!!

Oh, you know that is so me. I used to absolutely live for my weekends, I really resented being at work. Now they almost loom before me as something I have to fill, and also work really hard to fill. That's a depressing thought isn't it?!

It is something I am really trying to work on and hope is something that will get easier with time. After all, I filled my weekends before I met my h and my single friends all seem happy with their weekends but this is the first period of time in a long time that we haven't had our best friends around to spend our weekends with. It is a hard loss and it hurts.

I'm around most of the weekend so if you get lonely, just post! Saturday I am spring cleaning the house and Sunday I am going to take my bike on the train and explore somewhere new.

What are your hobbies? What do you like to do normally when crappy situations aren't happening? When I am not all consumed with my h I love going out and about, I'm not really a homebody. I've got a music degree but haven't done much playing since I left uni although I love listening to all types of music. I love reading and also I love watching detective things on TV. That almost has been my saviour throughout this whole thing as there is a TV channel here called itv3 that shows re-runs of old detective series and it doesn't require a lot of concentration so when I want to escape my thoughts I veg out in front of that.