Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Hope4us struggle, part 7

Ok, Locked another one up.

Previous thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1491164&page=2#Post1491164


Well, we're back. All in all, it was a pretty good weekend. I was a little disappointed, but maybe my expectations were just a little too high.

We had an enjoyable ride to the lake. Talked and talked. Checked into our hotel and then took a shuttle to the ferry to the island. Got there and sat outside on this patio talking and having a couple drinks. Went down to the one bar to watch the band we went to see. Had a good time there. There was one older guy that was ticking me off. W had gone to the restroom and he sat down on her barstool. I told him the seat was occupied and he replied "I don't see anyone sitting here". I told him W was in the restroom and he said again "I don't see anyone sitting here" and I started getting angry. I said in a rather stern voice "she is in the restroom and when she gets back you WILL move". He just looked at me as I was giving him the evil eye. You guys don't know what I look like, but I'm pretty big. I've got a 56 inch chest and a 38 inch waist and have lifted a lot of weights in my life. So W comes back from the restroom and I said to the knob, "she's back" and he says "why don't you get up and give her your seat?" I just stared at him and said "I'd suggest you get up". And he did. He has no idea what's been going on in our marriage and it wouldn't have taken much for me to kick the chit out of him. So W sits down and this old guy starts flirting up a storm with her. He was buying her drinks, ignoring that I was sitting there, talking to her. I just kept staring at him. Every time I'd stare at him he'd back off some. A bit later I went to the restroom and he told W that I scared him. :>). Besides that a**hole, we were sitting there having a good time and there was a good bit of body contact. She'd touch my leg when she'd adjust on her stool, things like that. Around 5:30 we went to the other bar to watch the other guy we went to see. Sat down, had a couple of appetizers and some more drinks. When the guy started playing two couples asked if the could sit at our table so we squeezed together so they could fit. Which was good for me because it put W and I closer. A short time later I put my arm around the back of her chair and at first I don't think she liked it, but not too long later she started leaning back so my arm was around her. She then slid her chair over so it was even closer to mine. And my arm got tighter around her. And everytime I would squeeze a little tighter she would lean forward so we weren't so close, but within a minute or so she'd lean back or towards me so we were closer. Towards the end of the evening my arm was completely around her so my hand was down on her hip and I was holding her thigh. Man it felt GOOD.

After that guy was done we sat and watched the next band for a bit and then went and got a pizza before getting on the ferry to return to the mainland. On the ferry back I purposely walked up to the top deck so we'd be outside on the ride back so she'd be cold and I could wrap my arm around her and keep her warm. So we did the same routine, I'd get a little closer and she'd move away for a minute and then move closer. We got back to the room and went to bed. No break in the 11 month drought yet, as the monthly visitor had showed up, but I really didn't want to push anything anyway. I just don't think we're to that point yet. But we slept in bed together and she wasn't hugging the side of the bed. We didn't have any contact during the night, but she was sleeping with her face towards me and we were close to each other.

A couple of times during the day other guys hit on her while she was outside smoking but she always told me about it. She told me how one guy was telling her how beautiful she was. I told her he wanted in her pants and she just said "I don't think that was his intention" and I just smiled at her. I told her the guy was right, she is beautiful and she smiled at me. I also found a number of other opportunities to tell her how good she looked. There was a fairly good deal of sexual flirting/talk between us which I thought was good. Got to have that kind of stuff for her to begin to think about us that way again.

Got up this morning, got some breakfast and came home. She's taking a nap right now and I think I'm not far behind her.

Ok, some things I think I learned this weekend. Tell me what you guys think. It seems like she's moving closer to me each day. But I still think she struggles with the feelings she seems to be having for me. It's like, how can she have those feelings because she's convinced herself that our marriage was terrible so she could make herself feel better for having the affair. I also know that one of her love languages must be admiration/attention. She likes the attention of men and maybe I let that slip some because we've been married so long and I thought she just knew how I felt about her so along comes the OM and he compliments and listens and admires her and off it goes.

And I learned a couple more things about the enabler girlfriend. She's 25! Been married twice, both of them lasted about a year. Frickin great. This is the "friend" W listens to? I got a couple of Puppy's "truth darts" in to W about the EGF. I wasn't mean about it and I don't think W even realized that I was giving her a dart, but at one point when W told me she was 25, I said "wow, like the daughter you never had" and W looked at me and said "yeah, I guess you're right". And when she told me about being married twice (I only knew about one of them) I said to her "She's not a very good judge of character in men is she?" And W said "I guess not" and then I said "I thought you told me a while ago that she just knew the first time she saw her second husband that she just knew he was the one, I guess first impressions can be deceiving huh"? And she said yes. I had to get that one in because W had said to me after I discovered the affair, when she was trying to convince me to divorce her so she could be with OM "I just knew when I saw him we had this connection". So I hope that truth dart made it's intended mark.

Ok, I've rambled on long enough. All in all a very good weekend. Like I said, maybe my expectations were a little too high, but we spent a lot of time together, had a good time (I said to her this morning in bed "I had a good time yesterday" and she just shook her head yes, but it's like she didn't want to admit it.....) and we had some physical contact that felt so GOOD. And I'm sure she liked the contact also, even though she was trying her best to not like it.

Sorry for the long ramble, but it was all in all a good weekend. And just a bit ago W says to me, if it quits raining do you want to grill tonight? Might not seem like much, but it just seems like more and more we're getting closer. I just need to be patient and give her the time she needs....

S,
You've got fb mail..

hope4us,

Do NOT be disappointed. She is ENJOYING you even if it is just a little. She talked to you, was close to you, etc. This is GOOD! If her heart is elsewhere, or if she is "dead to you" she would be unable to do anything with you.

Keep at it...patience and time......you are doing well.

Every woman likes to hear nice things about themselves. When you are married, that seems to be one of the first things to go. So keep that up. You are well on your way my friend.

kat

Thanks guys. Things seem to be going in the right direction, but I'm still leery.

So tell me what you think about this. Last night W started getting quiet. She'd respond to me when I talked to her and we watched some funny video's on Youtube together, but by the time I went to bed she was pretty quiet. I said to her before I went up stairs "I wanted to say thanks again for suggesting the trip this weekend. I really had a good time. See you in the morning" and she just sat there without saying a word. She nodded when I said I had a good time and nothing else. I know she had a good time because she told both the boys independently of each other that she had fun.

So WTF? Is she now really thinking what a mess she's made of all this?

And don't shoot me, but given her comments about the guy hitting on her while we were there telling her how beautiful she was I sent her a note first thing this morning telling her I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world and I had a great time this weekend.

I know, I know, don't pursue, but I had to get that in there. When she told me the guy had said that Sat night I told her he was right, but since she brought it up again on the way home yesterday I know she was looking for affirmation from me so I wanted to make sure she knows how I feel.

This is the hard part. I know not to pursue, but it seems like there comes a point where you have to start pursuing just a little. I'm sure right now she needs/wants to know that I think she's attractive, etc, so I felt like I had to send the note.

Comments?

H4U,

Good morning. I don't think there's anything wrong with your note (in fact, I think it was a good idea at this stage, for the reasons you mention). I just wouldn't recommend repeating it, and in fact I think you now need to pull back A LITTLE this next week, and not over-pursue.

I absolutely think she's thinking what a royal mess she's made of all of this. I think she realizes that she still has real feelings for you, and still loves you, and that her self-delusion and "re-writing of marital history" that she used to rationalize and get to that place in her own mind that made her affair morally OK was all just that -- self-delusion.

I think you should continue to "shine a light back toward the marriage" this week, and look-good/smell-good and all that, but -- emotionally -- pull back. No ILYs. Ramp up the GAL stuff.

I also still think that she's not going to make any sort of final decision to come back to you about an eventual re-confrontation on your part. I could be wrong, of course, and I DON'T recommend that yet . . . but I think it's coming.

Puppy

Thanks Pup. I'm glad to hear that you agree with me. And I think you're spot on with the mini-pullback on my part. I was thinking the EXACT same thing. Have a great weekend together so she see's how much fun we can have and then pull back some. There won't be any ILY's or the like for a while. In fact, I don't think there will be any on my part until she says it first. She KNOWS how I feel so there's no need to say it, but I will continue to SHOW it.

I'm not sure about if I'll need to re-confront her or not. We shall see. If I do it won't be until Oct. We're going on the family vacation mid-August and then just W and I are going to Disney in Oct. If I do need to confront her I'll use the job transfer as the way to do it.

Thanks for checking in on me.

you've got mail...

Back at cha TAL.

I'm dissapointed in ya Pup. No comments about the truth darts?

And right on que, a perfect pull back, GAL opportunity for me. A guy I used to work with just emailed me that he needs a fourth for a golf outing Sat. I'll have to go spend the night Friday night because it starts early Sat morning, so I'm driving to our hometown Friday afternoon, made plans already to go out with a good friend there and playing golf all day Sat. I IM'd W and told her and all I got in reply was "okay".

Couldn't have been better timing if I'd have planned it!

LOVED 'em!!!