Oh My... you did her laundry for her? I know nothing about your sitch. But from your post, I agree with AMY. She needs a kick in the ***!
In almost 12 years my H has never washed my clothes let alone hung the delicates up so they wouldnt shrink. I am mad as h*ll. And it took only one post for me to get there.
Use you blessings and the good person you are on someone who deserves it. Namely, YOU and your children...
Listen to ~SG. Until you change and stick to it she will continue to " wipe her feet on you." Stop being a doormat... Please. BTDT~ You will be so much Happier. Take care and God Bless.... ~Ali
Oh My... you did her laundry for her? I know nothing about your sitch. But from your post, I agree with AMY. She needs a kick in the ***!
In almost 12 years my H has never washed my clothes let alone hung the delicates up so they wouldnt shrink. I am mad as h*ll. And it took only one post for me to get there.
Use you blessings and the good person you are on someone who deserves it. Namely, YOU and your children...
Listen to ~SG. Until you change and stick to it she will continue to " wipe her feet on you." Stop being a doormat... Please. BTDT~ You will be so much Happier. Take care and God Bless.... ~Ali
Phil, before you post back to Ali. Listen and understand that there is a lot of experience speaking to you here. Do not respond unless you are clear and can see what this post is saying. It is not an attack, it is experience trying to guide you.
Thanks Ian~ No it wasnt an attack. Is that a 180 for you PHIL? Is what you are doing working? Is is taking you closer to your goal? I can remember my seperation like it was yesterday... my kids when they were little not so much... SAD BUT TRUE!
I used to pray to GOD~ to help me love my H less so it wouldnt hurt so bad...
he answered my prayers ,, but I dont love my H less ... As a matter of fact I love him now more than ever.
HOW did he answer my prayers?
He gave me strength, he gave me hope and this online COMMUNITY! I am still me just a better stronger version of me. I too used to turn the other cheek. That is what GOD would want me to do right? Not so much .... God does not put us here to suffer at somone elses expense. I believe he puts us here to enjoy life and use our gifts for good and not waste them.
You are a wonderful caring Man.... and for her to drive by you and not so much as smile and then proceed to take her laundry.
~WOW~ pray for her... I prayed for my H.
He had OW and he had a Tattoo of her name on his chest... their affair had been @ 3 weeks when he did that. he still came home to visit us and she lived too far for him to see her much.
The day I discovered the Tattoo? ( BTW~ 2 years ago Fathers Day.. see still remember every detail... )
I told him how I felt... no anger , no tears, and how I had given him 3 healthy beautiful children and in 3 weeks this "person" got her name aboce his heart was beyond me and that I wished him well and that he would be happy. I told him ... I hope one day you call me and tell me you know what ALI~ I AM HAPPY! When that day comes then I too will be happy. And I Prayed , and prayed and prayed to GOD~ I prayed this ... Please GOD HELP MY HUSBAND TO BE HAPPY AND IF IT HE IS NOT MEANT TO BE WITH ME FOR HIM TO BE HAPPY THEN SO BE IT. bU TPLEASE HELP HIM , CAUSE HE IS LOST.
3 AGONIZING MONTHS LATER HE DECIDED TO STAY AND TOLD ME HE NEVER STOPPED LOVING ME... ???
AND I TELL YOU ALL THIS BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I UNDERSTAND SUFFEREING AND LOVING LIKE GOD WOULD WANT. But please know I also tried my best within the guidance of the book DR~ not the bible. * Well the bible too* To love him but not be his doormat. Lovingly detach and make sure he knew he wasnt going to be cake eating. I plainly told him I will always love you until the day I die. I cannot lie to you or myself and pretend I do not love you anymore but I will not allow myself to be with you meanwhile you are still with her.
So Good morning Phil~ and I hope this starts a new day in where you love yourself the way God wants you to. Doesnt mean you dont love your Wife .... it just means you will love yourself and respect yourself too. All my best to you and May God bless you and your family,,, ~Ali
Awesome post. What you said really touched me and I appreciate it.
That mrz99 is because Ali is a miracle story. I remember the inspiration that I had from reading through her situation. She is a success story and it took a lot of very hard work to get where she is.
That Mr Phil, is why I say please listen to Ali, she speaks from a place that I cannot. A reconciled marriage.......
You know I can't even put into words how badly I messed up yesterday. When I got home she was at our house. I decided to not even stop because I didn't want to deal with the drama. She text me and thought D had practice. She didn't she has a game on Weds at six.
I told her I was at church praying. There is no practice. I was lucky enough to see the priest walk to the rectory and I asked him to let me in. He wanted to talk with me. I said father I just want to pray. I went in there and cried my eyes out.
Then I came home and she was gone. She came back an hour later to get her laundry. Yes she does laundry everyday.
I get into it with a little. She tries to get daughter to validate that she had practice. I never said there was practice, and if there was I would have picked up the kids. Your sister called me at 5:45 and asked me to pick up the kids. I called you instead, and you said you were picking them up. If you thought there was a practice why didn't you confirm them. I also said I wasn't going to call your sister back. That stuff is between you two. I still get a hug. We exchange I love you's. But I initiate. She says she needs to go so she can go home and take a shower. That was 6:30.
I call her sister before 8. I said do not ever call me that late in the day wondering who is picking up the kids. I called and talked with those kids at 11 and they told me there mother was picking them up. I said do not ever do that again. Philip you need therapy. I said no you do you go. Did you sister forget waht day it was again? You message made it sound like you didn't know who was picking them up. She said Philip I just wanted to take my father out for dinner on his birthday. Well you could have waited another 1/2 hour in my opinion. Just because you got into a fight with your sister last night do not get me involved with your drama. Why didn't you call your sister at work? She had no answers. I said do not do that ever again. You said you didn't want to talk to me. Don't ask me for favors. Your sister is having a mid life crisis or something. I tried to warn you guys. Now you deal with it.
(Turns out my SIL has anerxia. That makes them a contrl freak.)
Then I decide to leave the house. Dummy me forgot to take house keys. I said well it is only little after 8. I'll go to her house and ask her for the key so I can get in. See how she will like the pop in visits. I tell her I'm not taking it off you, I just need to get in. I'll give it back. She gives me the key. Son comes with me. Then we go back.
Stupid me hands her the key. She says she doesn't want it. I said I want you to have it. I want you to do laundry at your home our home. She said it's obvious I'm not coming back Phil. I said please do not say that. She says I am no (cousins names). I said I wish you were she came home three times already.
Then I'm still just trying to talk with her. My kids are getting in the way. I ask them to go upstairs and let me talk to mommy. She tells them to get in the tub. However they do not listen and keeps coming down and bothering us when we are trying to have an adult talk.
Then I say that is part of our problem dear. These kids never give us time together. They stay up to late. They do not listen to you. Then I ended up screaming.
Well that's exactly what happened. I start yelling at my son to stop bothering us and to go in the tub like his mother told him.
Then it got ugly. The door wreath fell and I ended up kicking it, and you know that potporri stuff went everywhere. She said I'm making things a million times worse. She asks me to leave. She says she doesn't want to talk. She just wants to take a shower. I said I'm about tired of the shower excuse.
I said call the cops I don't care. I'm tired of leaving. She said she wasn't going to do that because she didn't want upset the children. Then she said she was coming on a later date to take daughters dressers. I said take them, it's just stuff. I don't care about stuff. However why should she be entitled to them? They were both over 500 dressers.
I said fine I'll leave. She goes upstairs and closes her other door. So I'm done. I really petered out. I mess up again, and again, and again. I let her get to me.
Then I call her and we do talk nicely. I said dear even your friend sticks up for me she calls me about computer problems all the time.
Then after our conversation. Five minutes later her girlfriends text me. Don't you dare say I talk to you all the time and stick up for you.
I said thanks for the help. She text what help. She is my best friend, and her decisions are her decsions you are just upset because she has a mind or her own and you can not control her anymore.
I just text back: She is my wife, and I think you need to leave her alone.
Then she keeps texting me a bunch of stupid stuf. Then she says stop texting me. She is the one that initiated the chatting. I know talking to her is a cheesless tunnel. I have been warned about it. I should have not even brought it up to my wife. Keep your enemy close, but don't tell the other team what you are doing. DUMB, DUMB! DUMB>...
Now today. I called wife she didn't answer. I call again and leave a voice mail. I love you. I will walk through hell for you. T
She text. Sorry ringer is off on phone.
Then I text. Hello, sorry I'm such an a$$hole.
She text back: Hi.
That was enough....
Now at 1:30 She text. When is D's game? I wait ten minutes. It is at 6 on Weds.
Two hours later she text back. You told me it was canceled.
I text back. I never said it was canceled. It is on Weds at 6.
This family is a mess. I continue to keep messing up... and messing up. She had to come to the house and just stir me all up.
Now I got home early. The kids finally called me back and they said they are staying over their grand parents tonight.
I could use the break.... The old Phil would have been very upset, confused, worried, and sick knowing she would have been home alone. Because we see monsters everywhere. I even told her how it made me sick that she want out the way she was dressed the other night. She said she went to Eat n Park. Dressed like a sex kitten??????
Yesterday there would not have been any of this drama if she would have just not come here.
I'm leaving her alone, mostly, but she isn't leaving me alone. It constantly what buttons can I push of his.
I'm the biggest idiot on the planet. You know what though. At least I don't feel down. It's like I'm really giving up. She has lost her mind, and I just keep making things worse.
Nothing I say will change anything. So why do I keep doing it over and over again. Anger, fuel... burning...
I'm dealing with insanity... complete utter insanity. I keep pushing her further and further away.
SG, a laundry intervention??????? I think I already ticked off Jeanette.
Ali, thank you so much. I think the woman lost her mind. Really I do. Now why would a DAM be dumb enough to know to hang up delicates. DAM reads tags. DAM follows directions. DAM thinks does this need hung up. DAM thinks this would not be a good dryer item. Heat dryer this looks like it would melt. Dryer gets mighty hot. That's how it dries clothes. This looks like it would shrink if it got to hot. DAM is still DAM.
I know what you mean about knowing every detail of your seperation like it was yesterday but hardly recalling memories of the children. I even look back at my children and say what a blur. I did that before the bomb. D is 8, where did the time go? A blur...
This is not a blur, because the dynamics that wreak havoc on your mind and soul are burned deeply with suffering. Some of us have it way worse. I read some sitch's on here and think I should shut my mouth.
Then I get some very good people helping me, and I just continue to screw up over and over again. I can talk the talk, but I can not walk the walk.
I think my problem is I needed to grieve the seperation before I tried to implement anything. Getting advice and trying to use the advice make matter worse.
Go dark, or not go dark. I was dark in the relationship. She felt I was detached. Now I have to detach to improve me life. Love her from a distant. Try and make each interaction as positive as possible.
I'm looking to speed up this operation and it just can not be done. She is on a journey. She has to complete the journey. I have to be more patient. She's lost. She has to find her way home, and I think she is worth it, then I will wait. I'll walk through hell.
Ian, really thanks for being here man. I know I have probally ticked you off to high heavens, but your hanging in there with me.
AmyC... You know I love you.
SG, Thank you.... I will try harder to not join in her drama.
Ali, I didn't see it as an attack. I don't think I'm seeing thinks like that anymore. I'm more in acceptance. I hope and pray for her happiness too. If it not with me then so be it. I just don't know how strong I can be. Failure after failure, and her letting me fail.
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