Wow you guys sure lnow how to make a girl feel special. I am glad you joined too Cinco~ Just a few months ago it was like a ghost town in here. I am going to update in a bit.... my Hubby got home last nite.....
Wow you guys sure Know how to make a girl feel special. I am glad you joined too Cinco~ Just a few months ago it was like a ghost town in here. We had a blast , we are going to have a party for her in a few weeks.... I am going to update in a bit.... my Hubby got home last nite.....
I am going to officially say I think I am falling in love with him even more. HOLY SH*T... I didnt think this was possible. He is being just so pleasant and so Manly all at the same time. I want to devour him. And S&A I cant thank you enough! I am going to work on what you said.
I just want to stop here and thank you for all your great advice lately. You are the opitime of success and I love your posts. I can only hope (without much hope) that my M will turn around too.
I don't think I've posted to you before, but I have read your story and I am truly in awe. You are truly a strong woman and you understand I think what many men and women do not - that a real life involves real experiences and real pain. That's not to say that I condone your husband's past bad behaviour. I don't. But you have used that very difficult period in your marriage to discover so much more about yourself. And then you've gifted your husband with it. Amazing.
A very humble Thank you....
I hope your husband realises how damn lucky he is to be married to a woman like you. Do not let him take you for granted.
I would have answered this differntly had my H not come home from a business trip last nite. But now I dare say I think he knows how lucky he is and is going to start showing it... I just pray it sticks.... It was as if God was standing right next to him the whole 5 days he was gone... I cannot explain it any other way.
He was so serene and so nice and then when he came to bed so OOOH~ MANLY. I was/ am blown away.
However, there is some advice I would like to give you:
"but I also see that when my H is around and I am being his WIFE. I am more focused on him than me. And when he is gone ... I cant stop thinking about ways to be sexual with him. IE~Wink at him and touch myself inappropriately with a come hither look. Like a seductive Woman. And then **** the living daylights out of him. Not everyday , but more often than not. So I am much "better" but how do I further turn off this switch? I wanna just be the real raw, sensual , seductive, fun , daring unpredictable me. Like I was when we met. I get glimpses of it more when he isnt here and I think about him. WTF?"
(1) Do not make your husband the centre of your life. You must still come first, him second even if only close behind! You were not put on this Earth just to please him, but to please yourself and through that be able to please him. Did you give up your work?
No, still have my job~ I compromised w/o even asking him. I, for now, have cut back my hours. And what you said makes sense... I need to focus on ME ~ more. DUH~!
(2) Do not let your understandable desire to sexually please and fulfil him (and of course yourself) become an obsession. Sexual desire cannot run on an empty tank. So think of and do other things as well.
Also true... I think that is why when he isnt around,, I have fun on my own as in Ride bike Blog here Yoga.... Read Just anything else than being WIFEY! And then I get in the mood really easy... No pressure....???
(3) As part of that, perhaps you should do some creative and sensual pastime you've always wanted to - maybe some theatre or music or dance or painting (or anything else that catches your imagination). Really. You are a busy mother and wife, but you must do something to feed your soul as well i.e. YOU. Maybe this is what will feed your "raw, sensual...unpredictable" side?!?
Absolutely agree....
(4) Do not chase the girl you once were, the one that first met your husband. She is gone. She cannot be recaptured. But that is good. She has grown into the woman you are today. Much more experienced, more aware of her sensuality and sexuality, and far stronger. Able to forgive her husband and still love him. Why do you need to go back? We all grow old and change, Ali. That's a certainty. Learn to embrace that fact with the same courage you have embraced everything else in your life.
Thank you.... You are right.. I actually wouldnt want to go back to the old me.... I just wanted to channel the old sexual energy... Your post even helps me see why the old me was horny all the time... I was doing outside activities that I loved.. Dancing being one of them and going to school....
(5) The "switch" you need to turn off is the one to your incessant worrying! Stop worrying about everything and get on with living. Now. Just go ahead and be the best and most passionate woman you can be. The lover/wife/mother thing will follow naturally. Even those things cannot guarantee the future of your marriage. There are no guarantees. But you already know that - right?
YES~!
You worry instead about what you will do if or when this current good period in your life comes to an end - right?
I think you hit the nail on the head.. I keep trying to hard to avoid falling flat on my face again... MY H even said the other day.... Stop acting as if every time I say something to you , or give you constructive criticism.. it is like I am sending you and telling you to go to hell...
OOOOOOOOOOOOPPS~
The answer is that you will cope - admirably and courageously as you already have in the past. You have done great and you will carry on doing great!
Thank you sweetie.... I will keep you updated on my progress.... I cant thank you enough for answering my question!
<---- This has been me all day. I think my H has gone some sort of transformation and all my prayers have been answered.
He came home from a business trip .. gone 5 days ... and he is amazing. Manly, sweet, vulnerable and just plain F*kcing awesome for lack of better words!
Insert picture of me Jumping up and down for JOY!~
Last nite for instance when he got home... He finally came up to bed. I was in the mood since he got home but then we had unexpected company...
So anyway he comes up to bed and I am at the door waiting for him and I am "pretending: to tap my foot. He smiles at me and walks right by me... I say Hey look at my foot...! And he comes back all concerned and bends down and says .. Oh no what is the matter? *( THE OLD HIM WOULD HAVE SAID .. what the *&^^%% I am tired what do you want?* and I would have cried myself to sleep after he was sleeping* )
I say .. nothing silly and I turn on the bright light and say look at my foot and smile at him... he sees me tapping my foot and starts to laugh...
Sounds simple as hell but you know what it made me so happy that he was in a great mood... usually after traveling he is a BEAR~! I just wanted to share this.... Also the sex ... IT WAS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZIIIING! He infused it with so much caring and passion for me as his Wife... I dare say it was the best ever....
I highly recommend working your a** off to repair a SSM~ The rewards are priceless
Ok ~ so last nite he turned into a grumpy old bear. No personal attacks really but he is still im my opinion letting himself dump all his work stuff on me. All his stress on me...
So I was in the mood when he came to bed and he killed it.. I still tried but it wasnt the same...
Will elaborate later....
I have a very , very , very personal question ... we have been intimate 3 times in 2 days... and he seems too large for me it hurts... I am healthy and so is he. THis happened the first nite he ws home.. and I was completely relaxed and "ready" I know you all arent doctors but can anyone help? Have to run an errand and then I will be back.. ~Ali
How old are you? This may be the beginning of periomenopause. Go to the doctor and get some "estrace." That was my mistake, and it killed our marriage. Stay on it, and never stop.
Ali - My wife is in periomenopause and we have found that personal lubrication really helps. We prefer the silicon based lubes over the water based ones. It might not be as much size as not enough moisture?
The ladies here may have some other suggestions too.
I have a very , very , very personal question ... we have been intimate 3 times in 2 days... and he seems too large for me it hurts... I am healthy and so is he. This happened the first nightt he ws home.. and I was completely relaxed and "ready"
A few bits that might help:
1) Lubrication (depending upon circumstances) is often one of the earliest signs of arousal, and as such, it does NOT indicate that a woman is ready for penetration. More warm-up is required.
2) Prior to the plateau phase of arousal, the vagina looks like a somewhat flattened tube, has an "H" shape in cross-section, and while slightly extended due to uterine motions during early arousal, is smaller than the normal sized penis. If you go for penetration in this stage --> take it slowly and gently for a while <-- and allow things to stretch and relax. The typical vagina can accommodate just about any sized penis: just don't rush it, and don't let him just drive in and start pumping.
3) The higher he can bring your arousal prior to penetration, the better things will be, particularly if he can bring you up to the plateau phase. In the plateau phase, the front 1/3 of the vagina "balloons," becoming more cavernous, while the back 2/3 extends. If he's a big guy, this is the point when he wants to enter you. If he's an average guy, this is the point where both you and he can loose sensation during intercourse, so a change in position to something which stimulates the G-spot (forward wall of the vagina, about a finger's length in) works best for both partners.
4) As the others have stated, if lubrication is ever an issue, never be afraid to grab some assistance (and if nothing is handy, saliva works wonders). Your man should understand that a woman's lubrication state is not a -direct- measure of her arousal state: sometimes it is, but sometimes it isn't, so he shouldn't get offended: he should just reach for the tube.
5) If you've been pushing yourself to have sex as frequently as possible, you might be a little bit 'burned out,' and need a short break (I'm only talking a day or two here) to rebuild your level of sexual tension. This might also be true if you've gotten into a sexual 'script' habit: change the pace or the sexual activity frequently to prevent boredom. This is something I have to fight myself on a lot: if something works *really* well, I have a tendency to do it again the next time. Instead, I'm making myself build an entire repertoire of activities, from which I can select and choose, in menu fashion, for any given 'meal.'
5) Finally, Ali, I wonder if this is simply a measure of your anxiety level at the time. If you're worried about how he's going to be on a particular night, how the relationship is going over the past few days, or something similar, it's going to affect how you respond sexually, even when you don't want it to.
This is something I've had to come to grips with myself as I've moved into middle age. The days of the 'auto-erection' are now over, where I could achieve an erection despite any worries / anxiety / stress / anger or whatever I had going on in the background. Now I have to pay much closer attention to my mood and REAL arousal state at the time (like lubrication in a woman, erection in a man is not a -direct- indication of arousal state). The more relaxed I am --> the less anxious I am; and the more likely it is that I can achieve a nice, pleasant arousal state. And if I let any fears, worries, or anxieties creep in, my penis tattles on me.
Now I'm really on a Side-Bar: this is where ED problems begin in guys my age. They become so alarmed at the loss of the auto-erection that they miss the vital link to their own mood and arousal state. After that, it becomes self-fulling prophecy: if you worry about it NOT happening, then that worry and anxiety will pretty much guarantee that it won't.
The irony is that their bodies are just becoming more like their wives have been all along.
Poetic justice?
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
