Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives toruble on the the lake erie shore...#4!

No word limit here. You just ramble on.

I'm glad you're recognizing the improvements. That's really good. In the book The High Conflict Couple, it says to try to just be aware of what your S is doing while in the same house. Don't judge it negative or positive, just be aware.

I'd say it sounds better than a 1. But, I'm not there. Try to think of it steadily & consistently moving upward. What can you do this week to move it up 1/2 a point ? What would W do that would move it up in your mind ? More text pics, more conversation, a warm smile ? That kind of thing.

As far as sharing your "aha moments" with her. You can do it by way of apology. For example..."W I'm sorry that parents used to do X to you all the time, & I didn't try harder to correct them, I really see now how that must have hurt you", or "I can see now how I didn't do X all this time, I really regret that".

make sense ?

Yep, my H too. Insecurity & patience ! He wanted to fix things NOW. He was changing, he felt it, he wanted me to know it within months. He wasn't done changing. S 12 just told me that it's been a gradual step by step change with H. Not overnight. You have no idea what's ahead of you, how much more you'll change in the next year.

The letter is awesome. FOR YOU ! Keep it to yourself. Don't send it yet. If H would have sent that to me 10 months ago, I couldn't have cared less. Now, OMgosh, it would touch my heart so much, but that's because my heart isn't behind the 5 foot thick solid cement, reinforced with steel, wall.

The book, Good Marriage Great Husband teaches you how to completely focus on her & her happiness. For WHEN she comes around. Not IF. We're thinking positive here !

hugs

yay about the haircuts- that is so awesome and you put NO pressure on her and just lived in the moment! you rock Neil
smiles, pictures, all good things....

yeah it was nice....we both smiled alot..it was fun...

and thanks cookie too...that does make me feel better. good idea about making it go up half a point......perhaps its time to revist my goals.....

i feel like i have had the same goals since the start- i keep wanting the same ones- do you feel the same way?

Neil- those steps are great! keep it up- whatever you did worked so do it again when you have the chance!

Wow! Neil I am sooooo glad I found this thread. I know I've been a basket case these past few days, but I'm beginning to learn the ideas and philosophies behind this site. Your thread and the people contributing to it, are so positive. I cannot thank you enough for all your words to me and my thread.

I don't know if you've read my posts today or not, but my DB coach told me to make mental notes of when my H does positive caring things for me so as not to get discouraged. That was fabulous advice. I hope you have heard the same advice too. I have your thread on my watch list now, and will follow it.

I read something about the five love languages and you asked for ideas. How about telling her you "appreciate (fill in the blanks) what she does or has always done to show what a beautiful person she is?"

thanks Pisces....i want to keep the same goals, but perhaps add some more.....

alot of it is just keeping a PMA and forcing myself to become comfortable again.....

and i just got off the phone with her and the kids.... she wants us to go to a kiddie park with the kids as "parents" she said.. that's a pretty big step if you ask me........ we didn't set a date yet, but.......i'm excited.... but can't jump on it too soon tho...gotta keep the small steps going...

happy me.

i think i'm beginning to understand why i'm so impatient..

i want this pain to go away.....well, this feeling of emptiness. I just want to hold her and say, "look, i'm sorry. I am changing...i'm going to be better. Won't you believe me?"

Yet at the same time, i know that's not what she wants to hear. She wnats to see things changing. and she's givin me some hope

i think one of my LL's is words of affirmation...that's why this is so difficult for me to do...... i want and need her affirmation (like actually tell me) that this is a good thing and she likes what she's seeing.
ugh.

Neil,

Think of it this way. Think of her body language as something of an affirmation. Think of the fact that you are still communicating as an affirmation. That's what my DB coach said to me yesterday, in fact. There is a lot of caring going on here. You just need to open your eyes and SEE it. Mark it down, just like you told me to do. Count them blessing up. Savor them and move forward with your loving ways. That's what I'm trying to do.

s

Hi Neil- yay! can you see your posts- one success after another. i hope you see whats happening hear. and like you said not get too excited or jump on it too quickly. baby steps! she is slowly opening up to you when are you going to the park "as parents"? LOL!