Greg, Does drinking beer count? I agree, I will think about it. The dinner I had last week brought a good reaction. My biggest anxiety at the moment is guilt about not having a vacation with the kids this summer set up. I think I should take them myself but I am not sure I can handle this mentally. I think of a trip to the beach or a cruise but that would feel pretty lonely. I think a mental change for the better would go well here! still thinking...
Sounds like doing something nice for you is in order.
I was wondering about single day outings with your kids if you don't plan a vacation. Like maybe you and a girlfriend getting together and doing some fairly local fun stuff with the kids.
Don't know if that is practical for you or if you do that sort of stuff all the time and wouldn't be special time for the kids but was just thinking my H and I have talked about doing that around here just to not spend all that money on a go away from home vacation. Maybe one or two nights away!
Best of luck on figuring out something for you!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Wow- bad night for me last night! I had a drink with some coworkers waiting for H and D13, D6 to come down to go to the Reds game. D13 forgot my clothes so I wore H's shorts and D's shoes. H made the comment that the shorts made me look pregnant and maybe I could wear another pair- I proceeded to let this bother me to the point I was upset with myself and beating myself up about my looks. This is silly but is a product of living through the PA. H asked what was wrong and I told him I felt ugly - he sat there blaming himself and then put his arm around me saying absolutely not. D6 was worried about me but I think the beer and med didnt mix too well and threw me into the well! H was worried and mentioned had I given up on him? I didnt have my wedding ring on - knuckles were too fat in the morning to get it on so I switched to my g-mother's ring for the day. He said he noticed and I explained. This morning I told him I had it on and he said it was OK that he just noticed it- kind of non chalent like! So, on one hand he cared on the other, I shouldnt have mentioned it. He wouldnt have hardly noticed in the past so I think that is a big step. He struggled with comforting me and did a good job- siad he loved me and we parted ways downtown so he could go to his sister's. He called me at home then showed up as promised to have a "sleepover" around midnight. He was sick and feverish but it was nice to know he was next to me. We hugged this morning and he called a few times. H is taking off with the kids and took them to the museum. I also told him I was stressed about going to the lake - whether we were or not! H suggested me going down and he could maybe join me on Sat. I love this idea but D6 has a party. Thinking of having her miss it! So...long story and feeling a little like I lost my PMA. Shay
He said those shorts made you look PREGNANT??? Does this man have a brain at all?????
I must reiterate that I think you have the patience of a 1000 women to put up with this very odd situation...he's there, he's not, he's sleeping over, he's at SIL's. God have mercy!!!!
I think it was DEFINITELY a good thing that he noticed the wedding ring change. But this man is sending you so MANY mixed signals your head must be spinning from dawn till dusk, and probably all night too!
He sounds very confused, Shay, so what can you do about it? Sadly, NOT MUCH! It's HIS confusion, HIS problem.
I wonder if doing what Ellie suggested and not being quite so available and patient might not wake him up a little? He sure seemed shaken that you might have stopped wearing your ring because you are "giving up on him".
But at the same time, you DO have a lot of good stuff happening and you wouldn't want to push him in the other direction, or might that help? Oh, Gosh I'm so confused!
Wiser DBer's....help us out here! (A little guidance from God couldn't hurt either!)
Hang in there, at least you're on the right forum now!
Oh Shay so sorry your H had a dense Homer Simpson moment there with the pregnant remark! It does sound like he tried his best to recover and comfort you after seeing how much he'd inadvertantly hurt you. DOH! Probably even felt like slapping himself in the head!
Good that he noticed the ring situation. Keep your head up, girl!
Hope you had a good weekend at the lake and your H was there also.
I don't know enough about your sitch but it does sound like it was an open mouth without thinking comment and then he did seem to try to recover nicely. I have the problem that when something upsets me I need a few minutes to get myself back together even if H apologizes!
Hopefully his noticing the ring is that he definitely doesn't want you to give up on him or your M.
It seems definitely more good than not going on for you!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Shiny- you crack me up ...stupid comment, yes. And he did feel bad about it but I am pretty thin so maybe not so bad given that. One interesting thing about not wearing the ring, this was when he said he noticed other women- the only time in a long time he said, was at the Reds game. That is also when he noticed the ring off and probably started thinking in "single" terms again. Good that he noticed, good that it bothered him, bad that it sets off the "single" antennae. But...I noticed the girls at the game too- seems like alot of skin was showing. ! Ellie and Shiny- I hesitate to make him jealous with another "pretend" agenda- it seems to make him upset but feel like giving up. I do think a little mystery is really good as long as it doesnt include a OP or hint of one- this backfires. He has been jealous and mistrusting our whole M and I just found out about it last year! A couple of good things to report!! I went to the lake this weekend with my Ds and 2 of their friends so it was me and 5 girls. We get stuck in 1.5 hours of sitting on the highway, engines off and by the time I get close to the cabin my nerves are frazzled. H is out with his drinking buddies this Friday- mental health he says. He calls a couple of times to check on me then nothing! I dont hear from him until 1 AM and he is at his sisters' house because it it closer to the lake drive and not because he avoids the house he says. I am upset and he feels bad and told me later he should have been with me since I had a bad drive. He claims to have left me a msg on my phone- I have 2 missed hangups from him but that is it. He somes the next day and is still a little sick. We have a good day although I am obsessing about his lack of info about Friday. I ask him more about it and he says just the guys and he had three beers all night. Had fun and talked about one of the guys I know. I asked which of his girlfriends were there and he says in a shocked way, NONE! Saturday night I asked him his favorite things about me and the rist one was how I tried to make myself better byt changing. Usually the first one is I am a good mom. This was good! I told him my favorite things about him and I think he was touched when I said his trying to know himself better. We has great sex and the next day he talked about how it felt so right. After we got back last night he wanted to know how many days I wanted to go to the lake on July 4th when we have friends down. He also mentioned maybe taking a vacation in the late summer !! Whoohooo!!!! I dont know if this will materialize, but it may! Plus he does feel guilty that the kids want to go on vacation and we are not so far. Then he starts to leave last night and I said he should stay. He said he was going to try it one night this week! I told him he was getting nerotic about it and he said I know. I said it is pretty easy, undress, crawl in bed. Just like the lake. I dont have a choice at the lake he says ...whatever....So..3 good things!!!! I still think he needs a therapist, he needs to commit, and we need to work on a better R. It felt like an "adult" R this weekend and felt great. I feel pretty good I think. I have a tan! but got 2 tickets this morning I ran an orange light, my license is expired because the computers were down the time I went to renew and I have avoided the experience to not stress myself out. Gotta go and the F cop was sooooo bummed out to "ruin" my day. I will not let it. H said he would give me a hug. Pretty much a bad morning - never run a red light with expired license- lesson learned. Anyway, H is nerotic, H has a bit of a pull in my direction. Have a great day- be careful driving everyone... PS I order the Beamer (Lee! what do you think???)
I think I want a RIDE . That rocks, getting the car. From what I have read It sounds like You are making very good progress on all of this. You are doing the right things. Keep it up. I think that he will come around. Dont push to hard on these things. Anyway sounds really good.
H asked me what our/my schedule is like for the next few weeks and when we should go to the lake! He also brought up again maybe going on a vacation in late summer! We went to the internet for some ideas and he said he was starting to feel overwhelmed by it- probably trapped is more like it. I suggested we each come up with 3 ideas and get to eachotther on it. THen I went about watering the plants and took D6 to the grocery. When I came back I asked him if he wanted to get in the jacuzzi. He said he would like to take a short break and then come back as in stay over. so he did and I was nervous but went well. He even has me feeling nervous! crazy....He is not feeling well today and I have a dinner tonight and this seems to be propelling him into finding something to do tonight with kids. I think he really gets uneasy when I have plans. Anyway, that is about it. Anyone know a good therapist in cinti? Shay
I have to agree that it sounds like your H could use a therapist. Some of his anxieties are bordering on the obsessive compulsive type (like having to leave before coming back...).
All in all, however things seem pretty good! Plans for the lake, possible vacation (even that screams of clinical anxiety...to feel overwhelmed just looking at options...I know I've been there ).
Now what is it with you and LL and the suntans. Shay! at 40 you should know what the sun does to your skin . Well I hope you are going for a golden touch rather than the permanent walnut my sister sought all her life and now has all the time!
I tanned a lot on my teens and started to pay for it in my 30's. I developed brown spots on my forehead which are still partially visible despite sun-aversion and treatment.
Oh, heck, if it makes you feel good, who am I to preach!
...stupid comment, yes. And he did feel bad about it but I am pretty thin so maybe not so bad given that. One interesting thing about not wearing the ring, this was when he said he noticed other women- the only time in a long time he said, was at the Reds game. That is also when he noticed the ring off and probably started thinking in "single" terms again. Good that he noticed, good that it bothered him, bad that it sets off the "single" antennae. 
