words of affirmation are different than words of appreciation.
Thanks for picking up my drycleaning today on your way home from work.
is appreciation.
Yes it' nice to say thanks. Saying you're welcome like you mean it too, is just as nice. It acknowledges that you recognize that they thanked you.
Affirmation is more like
Spouse's name, you're regularly (note I didn't use always!) make sure that things I need to make my life easier, get taken care of. Like picking up my drycleaning. That takes a great deal of careful observation to know I needed those things for tomorrow. I admire that about you, that you notice things that matter to those you love and go out of your way to help. I just wanted you to know that.
Find what characteristic your wifes words or actions are 'her' that you are thanking her for or love her for being. Find a way to let her know you notice those characteristics, not just her hair, or clothes or physical appearance.
You may want to start short & sweet. Expect her to look at you like you've been possessed by an alien. Just smile and change the subject. Trust me .. she noticed.
Wait a day or two and give her another one.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Hey (neil's W)... I appreciate how you've been a great mother to the girls during this difficult process. it takes a great deal of patience to do this. I admire that about you... I just wanted you to know.
think that would work?
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
hi neil i wouldnt mention "this difficult process" part- maybe just acknowledge more positives- that way she cant come back at you about this difficulty, etc. but i do like the idea of affirmation..maybe just say that same thing but leave that part out- say process instead?
i think it is good to ackowledge her- i want to do this today too for my H:)
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
Hey (neil's W)... I appreciate how you've been a great mother to the girls during this difficult process. it takes a great deal of patience to do this. I admire that about you... I just wanted you to know.
think that would work?
Great start!! you're getting the hang of it.
I agree to take the "difficult process" out. but then what does 'do this' refer to??
What characteristic are you admiring & affirming her for. This takes work .. think about it.
Is it her patience? Is it her compassion & empathy? what does 'great mother' mean to you?
Then give an example NOT related to the sitch. but to your lives..
I know this is hard to do. Because to do this you have to 'notice' & 'pay attention'. Something we don't do once we take others for granted.
I can tell you want to do this.. rack your brains.. think of why you admire her. If she was asking you for a personal refernence.. what would you say about her?
Peace
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Hey (neil's W)....i've really noticed how much when you smile it makes your face light up. I've always admired it. Just wanted to let you know...
i don't know.....that sounds sorta cheesy...
ok..here's one. She taught Advanced Placement history this year.....could i set it up like this?
N: Hey, do you know how your kids did on the AP exam?
NW: No, they don't let us know.
N: Well i'm sure they did fine. You're a great teacher and you always look for better ways to teach. I admire how hard you worked this year to get these kids through it. Just wanted to tell you that.
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Better! the smile one and physical ones I might be tempted to leave until you get some positive feedback (it will be nonverbal!) on the others.
To me and this is IMO, ok?
When H. does the smile, clothes, hair, looks compliment thing... it makes me think he wants sex. Seems like too much of a pickup line. Anyone can make those comments, because anyone can see those things about her.
Knowing her, really truly knowing who she IS, to affirm WHO she is... takes intimate knowledge. That is what I think most woman want most of the time, especially those of us whose LL is words of affirmation.
Now.. if one of the things you admire about her is that she takes pride in her appearance, works out, eats healthy, takes care in picking out make-up, hair styles etc... that is a different type of affirmation than ..wow your smile is amazing.
Get it? An example:
I remember a close male friend (who we were travling with) was in our hotel room while my H & I were finishing getting ready to go out for supper. I was putting on my make-up.. I remember noticing him watching me out of the corner of my eye, but didn't think much about it.
Until he mentioned to my H. "Bridge really does a wonderful job of picking out make-up that suits her, and applying only enough to enhance her beauty. It is an art to understand that makeup is to enhance not to coverup or change. You are a lucky man to have a woman who can convey that to your daughter.
H. looked dumbfounded, first at him, then at me. And went.. yeah I guess so.
I lived on that compliment for years everytime I put my make up on or picked new make up out. That affirmation warmed me and reinforced that skill, that belief I have about make-up.
Silly huh? But it really does take so little, at least for me.
Maybe I'm with Gypsy in saying 'i'm easy!"
Hope that helps. Bridgestone
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
the thing is my biggest fear is that i'll over do it and that it won't make a difference and she'll go further away. We hardly talk now.......well, more in recent weeks, but still.
i'm still waiting on some input from last nite's convo with my W.....was she prying?
the reason i think she's primarily gifts is that at the start of this i asked her "how do you want me to love you?" and she said surprise me, hold my hand in public, little cards, etc... and that she needs to want me to show her these things. that's why i fear doing them.
But then again, why do i need her approval to do something? again, this is one of my issues........just thought of that... interesting.
Neil, did you read where Forest had me do a graph ?
next item; let's say she was prying. How does that change things. Let's say she wasn't, how does that change things ? Chewing gum for the brain. Spend your mental energy on things that matter.
Do you want to be the type of H that does little cards, notes, hand holding. Then do it. Don't do things just so she'll notice, that you aren't wiling to do for the next 40 years with her. Be consistent. Slow and steady. Make a life decision that you're going to make a deposit into her love bucket once a day. okay ?
The reason we get jumpy is we finally give up, then you guys do a 180 & start doing everything we always asked, then in my sitch, when things get better, he gets more comfortable, loses his focus again, & isn't doing some of the things that he did to "win" me back. Logically I know thats because he's busting his butt to find a job, emotionally, I miss those things.
hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hi Neil, sorry I have not been in touch for a few days. I've had computer problems and with my short term memory (lol) I have forgotten everyone's stitch, so you may have to freshen me up.
From what I have been reading on this new thread you've started, you are talking about LL. Okay, I understand what that is all about, I think, since I read that author's book before even reading DB. The way I see it, it is much harder to do when a couple is S. I know that when I wanted to leave my H, I did not want any LL from him. I did not want him near me, nor did I want him complementing me or telling me he loved me. I wanted nothing from him. Hopefully your W is not feeling what I was at the time. You see, to me, the LL is like a lot of other programs and books out there that are often mentioned here on the board......it is when a couple are together in their M and in the same house and are trying to make the R stronger. If you are S, then that places a different perspective on things IMHO. But, then that may just be me.
Let's say that "gifts" are her LL. I like the idea of getting little inexpensive things to just let her know that you were thinking of her.......but tell me this......how can you do this as a S couple without it looking as though you are pursuing her? The same about physical touch and almost any of the LL. The best suggestion I read was about the test scores. That was impersonal and yet was a great way of giving her affirmation. It takes a wise person to know how to do that b/c it is tricky.
I don't know if this was what you wanted me to look at on your thread. If not, let me know what it was. Have you and W started dating? I may have missed that part. I tried to go back and read, but my computer is still running very slowly or else it is the board.
Anyway, that is my take on the LL. Let me hear from you.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, no we are not dating. I honestly i'm not ready to date her yet. i have too much other crap to work out for myself. LOL
Thats the tough part.....the LL with gifts, because that's part of hers. I don't want to pursue, but things are on a good note as of late.........
i'm still thinking about ways to be affirming to her, without it being about our sitch, and making it a little personal, but not too much. i'm a guy, i'm not that wise. LOL
she said awhile ago that it makes her feel weird when i complimented her (like a month ago)...i did the other day, and it went over ok (she didn't say it made her feel weird). She is noticing the behavior changes i've made...and is commenting on them. SO i take that as a good sign
all in all, i'm just looking for way to be affirming and pursuing without making it seem like i am....LOL
i'm picking my kids up early tommorrow as she has to go into work....i'm htinking about getting her a french cap from tim hortons....her fav.......haven't done that in almost 2 months..LOL.....
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
