Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Another one joins the flock (Part II)

ILF: I sure as heck THOUGHT it, but I didn't dare say it

Between dealing with the kids and my wife working the same insane hours that stressed her out in our R, I'm guessing that she and bf are discovering that their blissful Eden ain't all it was cracked up to be. I just have to be patient.

And the fact that I have the kids for the next two days cheers me up (I just realized that wife was normally supposed to have the kids Sunday...did she forget, or did bf plead for a break?). It's supposed to be sunny and hot tomorrow - festival, then back to the house to play in the pool, back to the festival for dinner and a free concert!

Mike,
I had to chuckle...the reality of life hit the bf quite hard and let's face it...kids will be kids. They can't be on super good behavior all of the time. They have to be themselves. Oh, well...the bf will either learn to accept the boys as themselves or he's going to walk. Let's hope he walks and soon.

I'm glad you've got them for the weekend. I'm sure you and the boys will find plenty of fun things to do.

Enjoy!

My brain is messing with me.

Had one of those horrible dreams that take all of your fears, dreads, bad expectations, and mixes them with bad stuff that's already happened. Dreamt that wife and I were at a family gathering (mostly her family) and lawyers were present to draw up official papers for our separation. Wife was acting friendly to me, giving me words of hope, but then MIL came over to me crying about how I'll at least get the older son. From that point on in dream, wife was flip-flopping from businesslike to loving. In the latter stages, she would hold me, seem repentant, and in the former, she would say that if I just made enough money she'd stay.

I know damned well that dreams have no mystical importance and are merely a "sock puppet playhouse" of what's already in my head, but DAMN it put me in a funk.

Thankfully, my three-year-old pounced on my bed to knock me out of sleep (literally). Older son followed right after.

Going to take the kids to the summer festival down the street and try to shake my brain's depressing teledrama the hell out of my head.

Mike,
this is just an idea...if today was your wifes day with the kids and she either forgot or caved in to bf's wishes, why don't you hold her to it??

If you have agreed upon visitation, she should uphold that whether or not bf wants kids with them or not...she should be a mother first.

Of course it is good for you that you have them...you seem to do great things, fun things!!

Maybe putting your foot down and holding her to visitation times will help bf and her realize faster that their "fantasy" is starting to fizzle.

I used to have those kinds of dreams...would throw me off for the entire day! Hopefully you are feeling better by now.

momof2girls:

Actually, she was supposed to have the kids all day/night on Friday and cut it short and is supposed to have them Sunday but seems to have "forgotten." I had thought about pushing her to take the kids when she was supposed to, but decided against it for a few reasons:

- the kids are confused enough without the stable parent (that would be me) suddenly acting like I didn't want them either (or that I was putting my own wants/needs before them, like mom).

- I wasn't comfortable about how wife and bf would treat the kids in that situation (and how they might spin it to the kids)

- I don't want to use my kids as pawns to teach wife and/or bf a lesson

I did make a point of sending pics of the kids w/text captions to wife during the day. Hopefully, it will remind her of how much fun we had as a family doing the festival.

Like you said, we do fun things. We were at our village festival from 10:30 in the morning until 8 pm. The only reason we left was that my youngest doesn't like the volume of live music.

The kids marched in the "Teddy Bear Parade" and got free treats, played in a bounce house, got stuff from the comic book store, ate slushees, fried dough, fudge, assorted free candy, pizza, ice cream, sno-cones, and a ton of bottled water. The bounce house was free, and my youngest must have spent an hour in it. Kids got to pet and play with an alpaca (!). I bought them cool tie-dyes (one of my favorite college-era fashions...). Kids had a blast, as did I.

Also ran into tons of soon-to-be-former coworkers and students, who all congratulated me and said they'd miss me. A bunch of my former students (now in college) are planning a BBQ for/with me. One of them waited on us at the pizzeria, sat with us, and then he gave my sons free ice cream. Ran into parishioners from my church who congratulated me on the good news and gave me support for the wife-mlc news. Turns out there's another member of our "club" - another parishioner just had his wife leave him...for another woman. Whoa.

I'm over the dream, and it's nice to hear that others have the same experience. I just have to remember that it's just my brain playing out my worst fears and neuroses and not to read anything into it. It's just hard to have a period that is supposed to be a respite from obsessing over the issue turn into a REPLAY of the issue. Maybe there's some psych exercises my counselor can recommend to "program" better dreams.

Our friend Dave stopped by to drop off his son to play with my son (the kids are best friends). As some of you might remember, Dave was the one who called me a few weeks ago to tell me about the OM. After my wife made some pretty nasty accusations about Dave and his wife, including disparaging remarks about me, I was wisely advised by some of you to watch my back until I figured out who was up to what.

Well, Dave hung out for a bit and wanted to talk. I made the specific point of discussing all the great stuff related to my new job. We avoided discussing my wife for quite some time. What segued us into the discussion was the fact that the kids were with me today, instead of with wife.

As many here predicted, Dave told me that wife and OM are finding out that their "idyllic Eden" doesn't jibe with reality. The kids are an inconvenience for bf. The fact that their lake lifestyle costs $$$ is an inconvenience (the boat they bought is a money pit, and wife has had to work longer hours to put into it). Wife is also running into the reality of local folks' negative opinions of what she is doing.

Because I wasn't sure how far to trust Dave, I made a point of discussing the positive changes in my life - the excitement of the new job, finally learning how to run the house and deal with the finances, food shopping, etc., how busy I've been with friends stopping by and/or inviting me over, the increased fun times with the kids, and anything else I could think of. As I discussed this stuff, I realized how much stronger I genuinely *have* become (partly thanks to you wonderful folks and Michele's books).

I reiterated my intention to see this thing through, for as long as it takes. I made the point of talking about my reliance on faith/God, how I'm tighter with my kids, and how determined I am to stay strong for me and the kids. That I'm moving on with my life as she works her way through this MLC.

I thanked Dave (and told him to thank his wife for me) for being such wonderful friends and asked them to please try to keep the lines of communication open with my wife so that she feels that they are a "safe" place for her when things with OM go finally blow up (which, actually, Dave thinks is going to happen sooner rather than later...but I'm not counting on anything). The advice that someone here (Jack?) gave me about making sure that wife's folks stay a "safe" place for her was excellent, and I extended it to Dave and his wife, who live next door to wife and OM and who were close to both of us prior to wife's MLC. I do love my wife and genuinely worry about her well-being sometimes (OM being a recovering alcoholic who has relapsed twice in last six months), and I want her to have safe places to go.

For the first time in a few days, I feel optimistic. Thank you to everyone here who chimes in with pats on the back and kicks in the rear - I'm realizing that you guys are playing a big role in helping me through this.

Hi Mike,

I haven't posted to you before, but I've been reading your threads and wanted to let you know that you're not the only Bills fan here on the board. I went to college in Buffalo many moons ago...

4 Super Bowls in a row...

4...

I stopped watching football after that.

new_attitude: I was raised to be a Giants and Jets fan (my family is from downstate), but once I came to college in WNY in '83 and wound up with roommates and fraternity brothers from Orchard Park, Varysburg, Fredonia, Tonawanda, etc., I dropped the Jets for the Bills.

At least my Giants did OK this past year ;-)

Wife came by this morning to pick up the kids. She reeked of cigarette smoke. In the 20 years I've known her, there are only two reasons why she smokes EVER: she was at a party and drinking with smokers ... or she was tremendously stressed out. Since it was 10 AM on a Monday, we can rule out the former. She's lost more weight. I've had several mutual friends tell me that there's trouble in paradise (because of reality settling in), but I had just attributed their statements to being nice to me. Now my only worries are for my kids and what will happen to them and her if she does crack up.

She wanted some of my retirement portfolio info for the mediator when we sit down to formalize our verbal financial and custody agreement. As per DB strategy, I gave her copies of everything she asked for with a smile. She was pleasantly surprised. We made pleasant chit-chat, discussed the fun of the summer festival (she loved the tie-dyes I bought them), and kept things light.

Kids cried a lot when they left. Wife kept pointing out that they were coming back to me after dinner, but oldest kid kept crying and holding me. When wife gave me the usual hug and kiss goodbye, I noticed that she was skin and bones. Damn.

After wife & kids left, ran errands. At post office, friend who is a postal worker invited me to his annual summer blowout (pig roast, kegs, live music, hot tub, pool). Wife and I stopped going years ago b/c she didn't dig the "townie" scene. The party this year happens to be when wife has the kids, so HELL YEAH, I'M GOING!

Made a point of making the mortgage and home equity payments for the next two months. After hearing from my friend Dave about how wife and bf are blowing through cash, I'm paying all the major bills out of the joint account until September and then I'm having my new job's salary put into my individual account. Gotta make sure wife's MLC doesn't jeopardize my house, car, etc.

Spent four hours at my new workplace with a fellow new bio teacher hire. We did reconnaissance on our classroom, compared notes on how to teach lecture and lab, and checked out the supplies. This job is gonna be GREAT.

An old friend of mine from 20+ years ago called b/c she heard about my home life. It was great to have the support, but she was into the "kick her ass to the curb" mindset and didn't quite get the DB framework. She's Sicilian. Vengeance is big with her people. I'm Abbruzzese. We're more mellow and forgiving. It drove her nuts. I assured her that I'm NOT a doormat, explained the DB philosophy and assured her that I was watching out for my kids' welfare (esp. with alkie bf).

It's been a full, weird day.

Alot of people know about what is going on.

Going to make it hard for her, one way or the other. Lots of judgement going on, now and later, despite what happens.

You...

You look like gold.

Tough to live up to or next to that, donchha think?