i know actions speak louder than words, and I should stop pursuing, but are there things I can SAY to bring her closer to me and not push her away ? (i know "i miss you" and "i love you" are big no-nos)
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
We aren't telling you to fight for your marriage or give up. We're all here fighting for our marriage. And in that process, in using DB techniques, you discover that things don't work so well when you're focused on the other person. By making yourself better, you become happier and more enjoyable to be around. You relax more and probably become easier to be with. Is that giving up? You can label it that way if you want but I don't think the rest of us do.
That said, you have to be realistic. She's given up or she'd be trying harder to make the M work. So you have to find a balance between what you have been doing and what attracted her in the first place.
What you can SAY is to be a friend. Be consistent in your words and actions and put things back into a comfortable space.
It didn't get to this point overnight, and it won't get fixed overnight, so try to figure out what the baby steps are and try to prepare yourself for the fact that it takes a long time.
Buster, are you checking out the other posts? It might be good for you to look at what worked for other people, and what didnt. It may also give you a realistic idea of what to expect, as far as time, emotional whiplash, her withdrawals, or just surviving. I would also recommend that you go back to your old posts, reread them, see where you have come from, and reread the advice people have posted. You may be able to get more from them now.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
people are telling me to fight for my marriage, and people are telling me to give up.
No, people are telling you to fight for your marriage BY "dropping the rope" and "detaching" and "GALing", which is different than giving up.
It's a question of METHOD.
The Facebook thing is meaningless. It's already obvious by her actions that she's emotionally checked out of the marriage. There's nothing to say that that's permanent.
OK. Now, that's a step in the right direction. You stopped bringing up R talk and the two of you are getting along better.
You will need to be strong here because the next time you see or hear something that rips your heart out, you will want to talk about the R.
In Michelle's book, she wrote that in a situation like this, all of the things being done to save the R focus the attention on that person and demand the wayward spouse's attention. Pretty soon, the wayward spouse is fed up with the other always focusing the attention on themselves. On top of that, the wayward spouse probably wouldn't believe you if you said that it was sunny outside. They certainly aren't going to receive any wisdom from you about their choices.
What happens when you back off? Then, you aren't judging them. You remove the spotlight from you and they aren't continually in a position of having to defend themselves and what they've chosen to do. Pretty soon, any guilty feelings or feelings of insecurity and doubt aren't because of something that you said or did, they are self-generated and they have a much better chance of evoking change in that person.
Come on Buster, for all of us to one degree, the harder that someone pushes us to do something, the harder we will resist. Your R is the exact same way. The harder you push your W to leave him and stay with you, the more she will justify and resist even in the face of reasons why she shouldn't.
well the dope that I am, i ruined it. had a long talk on the phone. i attempted to get her to see the light, and she was taking the wrong path, and to stop this before its too late. but of course,"it's too late. the game is over and you've run out of time. i'm sorry you didn't end up being the man of my dreams; i'm done investing time in this relationship. you've had your chance" low blows, clear cut. so after some thinking, I called back and said very calmly I just wanted to get along. no more R talk in person, through text, or on the internet. just want to be civil and i'm done pursuing her. I am fed up with her stubborness. how the heck can you turn your back on someone you had a child with ? i thought it was never too late to save a marriage. this is totally all crap.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
Buster, it is never to late to save a relationship. However, not all relationships can be saved. I have a friend who is coming up on two years that he has been divorced and he told me one time that I should keep working on things until I had done all that I could do. If I did that he said, then I would never sit in an empty house or an empty apartment, lonely and depressed wondering if I just hadn't tried hard enough. I've taken that to heart. DBing is harder than professing my undying love and sending gifts and flowers and e-mails and texts. It's much harder. It's the internal growth that I needed for me and for my kids, not for her. However, I'm hopeful that she will be drawn back by the amazing life that the kids and I have in front of us.
I'm assuming from your question "How can you turn your back on someone you had a child with?" that you are referring to your W. Immaturity and pain. I'm no saint. There are times when I think about my Father, Mother, and Stepdad and I wouldn't care if the whole lot of them got killed tomorrow. I'm trying to work through those issues. One day I may even try and contact my Father.
Yes, you screwed up. So, just like quitting smoking. Get up, brush yourself off and start over. You have to think longer term. I know it isn't easy. I've got a couple of guardian angels over in the "Now we're separated forum" They were a big help even last night. A single shooter of Southern Comfort was helpful too.
So, it sounds like you have grown a little bit even in the last couple of days. Now, like an adult and a man, suck it up and get back to work. If you still haven't gotten Michelle's book, go get it and find something to do that can take your mind off of your marriage when you aren't sleeping or at work.
its hard to try and save a relationship when there's OM and the wife wants to be with him. we aren't divorced yet, but it's coming, i am just hoping that even though she tells me so adamantly that's it over, it isn't. is there any chance that she still loves me and wants me back. she is being brutally honest with me ? ( so i'm led to believe ).
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
