Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives New to this forum and need help..

((((((((tmarie))))))))

Hang in there. I think you are doing a good job!

This is how I have been feeling for quite some time. Even though my W is thousands of miles away, I still feel sad knowing that she currently has no feelings for me. I not only miss having affection, I miss having someone tell me "I love you", "I miss you", etc.

It's so incredibly hard waiting to see if the person I have loved for so long is ever going to wake up and shift her course towards reconcilliation. It's even harder knowing that the affection that I am missing is being given to someone else. Yes life really, really sucks right now. I just want the whole thing to be over with one way or another.

S4H

I know how you feel... On an upside though, H and I were making small talk this morning, I keep my self busy so there is something to talk about other than M.... I told him I was having a hard time and really needed a Hug.. He offered it, and we layed on the couch for a few minutes just hugging...(i of course cried, in a relief sort of way...) he kissed my head twice, comforting me.... I know it doesn't mean anything, but it sure felt good.... I never realized how good a hug felt until I went without for so long...

Hope everyone is having a great 4th!

t

Good for you t!!! I'm glad you're H gave you some affection and it may mean more than you think. Look at the positive he could have just said "I don't think that's a good idea", but instead he did even more than just hug you, you snuggled on the couch for a bit. Seems to me that there is still some substance there.

Pretty quiet 4th for me. Another day in an empty house getting things ready for my move across the country later this month. I am at the end of a two week period without my two lovely D's. I leave tomorrow to go and pick them up from camp. I miss them so much and can't wait to hear about all of the fun time they have had. Maybe I'll grill a burger or two out on the grill for myself and watch the fireworks over the bay from my backyard while I enjoy a glass of wine (or two). Sounds like a plan.

S4H

I wish I could go pick up my son from Camp... Camp Pendleton that is... He is on week 7 of boot camp... missing him dearly... And he knows nothing of what is happening at home.. I often wonder what he will feel when this all comes out to him.. H & I agree that it is not in his best interest to let him know what is going on while he is training... On another note, H discussed plans for his graduation day in August, he is considering a week long vacation while we are there, as a family I guess.. or at least that is what it sounded like..

I am sure your girls will have a lot to share with you when they get home, HOW EXCITING!! Pretty quiet 4th here too... A parade right outside my store front and sales have been slow soooo.. SALE !!!! with all those people, I am sure to make a dollar.. That will be cause for celebration!!

Cheers to you S4H....

We had a great day yesterday, all of us... Watched the parade through town, then did a little shopping had a nice dinner and went home... Once home, H was in a playful mood so I went with it... showed him my new swim suit... he liked it... Later on we walked to the park to watch the fireworks and had a nice time.... Our town is big on holidays so it was a great display. Once home D14 wanted to spend the night with a friend so H and I had the even to ourselves it was great.. ML and he slept w/me in our room. I wasn't sure how things would pan out this morning, H mentioned to me before that he feels guilty afterwards, that he feels like he is cheating on OW... so I acted as-if... everything was good... H asked me to joined him this am for a shower... no guilt yet... H mowed the lawn.. when he came in he gave me a kiss.. still no guilt... (Yea!).. Went to work out together, pick up daughter and took the dogs for a walk..GREAT DAY! to top it off we are leaving for Boulder tomorrow... I read my Horoscope today, H & I share the same... look at this...

Aquarius
January 20 - February 17
You may be confused when you find yourself pulling away from something that you may have felt extremely confident about on a previous date. Remember, dear Aquarius, that it is always OK to change your mind at all times. Don't feel like you need to follow through with something that you agreed to weeks ago. Circumstances have changed since then, and you should feel free to change your plans accordingly.

it may or may not be accurate... but I am going with it....

We all have good days and bad ones too.. I urge us all to always remember there is hope, there are miracles and whether we are with our Spouses or not, love never dies....

Hope everyone is doing well...
t

This is awesome good for you YEA!!! Good job on low expectations and letting H lead this was perfect. No guilt from H after ML and the shower this is great. Continue to let H lead. More than likely there will be some pulling back from H to see your reaction, don't act HURT if this happens, show H he was right in letting down some of the wall, don't persue him thinking well he ML to me there must be more, be patient show him by your actions you are oaky with it if he pulls back.

Let him come to you let him want more. If he sees you hurt or upset for pulling back he may not lower the wall again obviously this is not what you want so be strong and act 'as if'. Stay your course you are doing good now is the time to detach lovingly and wait for him you can do it.

Brian

Updaye - Journaling...LONG POST

Well things have been going well here. H and I made the trip to Boulder to meet with Michele, it was a GREAT experience, but I have to give my H a lot of credit. He went not knowing anything about Michele, her books, seminars or the name of her office, so even when we walked to the door of her office and saw "Divorce Busting Center" he did not turn tail and walk away. That said alot to me.

We both learned alot about ourselves and eachother. About how we communicate and being truthful, saying the real truth. I can't wait to share with you all what I have learned. I left feeling good, really good. I think H did too. All we could do after our meeting with Michele was hug.. all the way down the elevator...

We both left knowing we had met a truly amazing person, she opened our eyes, gave us a different perspective on our individual lives as well our our life together. What will happen with our M is unclear but we both have alot to think about, and no matter what happens we are better people and will have better relationships.

We spent the rest of the afternoon together, touring the mountains which we both love. When we returned home there was a distance between us, I know he was texting or calling OW - I could feel it, and though it hurt at the time, I now look at it as we are still processing, his feelings have not changed over night nor will they. But in time things will only get better but they almost always get worse..which they did lastnight..

Lastnight my D14 was mad (which I think is a teenager thing).. She and H had an argument to which I was called to referee.. Once in the game it became apparent that there was more going on. She was crying but not wanting to tell us why. We told her that she could talk to us about anything, comforted her. I asked if she was thinking abou the Divorce and she wouldn't say anything other than she wasn't ready to talk she was mad. We did not press, and told her when she was ready we were there to listen.

She came to me a little while later and asked to speak with me, so we went some place private to have a chat, that is when H's world changed. D14 gave me a note which read:

Mom, I don't know if you know already but I need to show you.

Love, D

I of course immediately knew what she was talking about. She found text messages on H's phone to and from OW. WEEKS AGO.... My D14 has known about her and has been keeping all those feelings inside and feeling guilty for not telling me. The pain in her heart was visable through her eyes. I thought telling her about the D was painful, here she knew this detail and had kept it to herself, protecting me, or H and herself. How awful she must have been feeling... and I didn't know. We thought we were careful....He thought he was careful...

TIP: TEENAGERS KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN ANY TRAINED, EDUCATED EXPERT....

She couldn't get the words out, she only handed me the note and the phone with the messages on it...I told her that I knew and I did not want to see the phone or the messages - and I didn't, I think my heart would have broken in a million peices and I couldn't let her see me break down, this was about her, and what she was feeling...I told her thank you for being such a strong person, telling the truth, and that she should not bare this on her shoulders, Dad and I are working on this, we are working together to make our lives better, no matter what the outcome. That we both love her and I was sorry she has carried this for so long. I also told her that H needed to know she knew this, and that I would fill him in, (She said she never wants to talk about it with H) She is so confused, and mad.. I told her that is ok, but she needs to talk to someone.... journal it, talk about it. (BTW - I did this all without crying.... )

So I had to tell H... I did that too with out anger, resentment or crying... He is at a very low point right now, and I was there to support...(not OW) Things have not turnout as he had envisioned. We shared a bed lastnight, I hugged him, kissed his neck and told him if he needed me I was there. - later he put his arm around me and held me... He needed that comfort as much as I did. Sacrifice....

Love is about sacrifice, loving someone they way they want to be loved, not in the way you want to love them... Something Michele taught us both... Real Truth - not partial, not sarcastic, not secret truth but outloud and clear, tell your S what you want, and need... I found out soooo much... My H wanted more children... I thought he was joking... he wasn't... He thought I would never have any more because I thought they were too much work - he was right, however, I would have embraced the idea if I knew he was serious... but he never asked...

ASK - LOVE - BE TRUTHFUL and LEARN... all of these books we have all been reading should have been read before marriage, I know what I am giving to all engaged couples on there wedding day....

I have been making the right changes in my life, and he has noticed, and its all positive. I think he is making changes too. We have definately reached a new and better understanding of one another. Though R & M talk has been put on hold, it is for the best, we both have so much to think about and work to do on ourselves..I am and will continue to be in DB mode as it is working..HE HAS NOTICED and wants me to continue, and wants me to be affectionate, and wants to embrace those changes. I know that because he told me the truth.

I do not know if this inspires or helps anyone, but I hope you can take something away from this. I hope that if you have questions you will ask, if you have advice you will advise me and aI hope that you can all see that there is a rainbow on the other side, there is hope.. there is love and there is life, we all have those things and though they do not alway happen as we wish, its in ourselves to make our own happiness not the resposibility of our S. Make sure you let them know that... Our unhappiness is not a failure of our S. Happiness is a feeling we have when we make ourselves happy, by doing and saying things that bring good into our lives.

all for now...

have a great day!

t

Tmarie,

I have been thinking about you and your H and wondering how your visit went. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. You are a strong woman - I am so impressed with how you handled the experience with your D and cannot imagine how she feels.

It sounds like your session with Michelle has given you and your H a brand new perspective on your R and something you can build on as you go forward. Of course it will be a roller coaster of emotions still but I think things sound very positive for you!

S4H

Thank you... I feel stronger... I had so many issues with my own life and bringing all of that into a R was toxic... even without an OW or OM our M was bound to have problems... My issues and H's not being able to see those issues or sweep them under the rug was a rude awaking to us both...We had a few Ahh Haa moments...

Michele recommended a book.. The 5 Languages of Love.. I plan on reading.. I think its something all of us on this forum could use... puts things in a new perpective on how we interact with one another..

Things are relativly calm right now, but you are right, emotions will be high and low until we can both find our way to communicate on a more meaningful level.. Michele helped ALOT.. She is smart and sensitive. She really understands people and truly cares. It felt good to both H and I to be with her...Comfortable to share some of our most intimate details about our M and as individuals. She is definately someone I hold in high regard and respect.

I urge all of us there to take what she says and use it in your life. It only brings good things even if you don't see it right away. Love takes time and patience.. Respect takes time and patience. Actions speak louder than words and ALOT of us want to talk things to death.... Quit talking... show your love and respect in the way that your S will understand... FIND THAT WAY!!!!!

t