Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy For the Guy with kids and a WW 6

I don't either.

You know.. I was somewhat relieved when the xwaw left the premises.. no more conflict or mental health problems to deal with daily etc.. my kids were okay with it also.. and they still are..

The Wierd thing was after a few months when she wanted to come back.. the thinking about that and the saying.. NO ! Different sitch though , huh ?

I wanted my sitch to be mine. That is all.

Tom

Hey kat, I know. It always seems like coulda, woulda, shoulda.

I'm so happy to have found this place. I had been on another site that was christian based, but got no real advice. A lot of "Have you read Power of a Praying...." Good books, but not real life advice. Like here.

wdid and Puppy, you know I don't want her to leave. I keep hearing about no R talks, but I think talking in my sitch is actually not a bad thing. As long as I keep it under control. I do get some truth darts in. The one I really want to use is, "You might be ok with being a part time parent, but I'm not" or something like that.

Just talking in general will be good for us. I have nothing to lose.

AT, if she leaves, then things will be a little easier to deal with. Roomie and I are not in constant conflict. Things go pretty well with us. I just have to focus less on her and more on me, now. But I will still try to save my marriage. Whatever way I can.

Roomie emailed me during work yesterday. Just asking if I had heard from the girls. She had tried calling my parents house and got no answer. She said she will try the cell number. I emailed back that I would try also. She called me and we talked about picking up girls. She wanted to.

I was hoping she would not say anything to my parents about our relationship.

I don't recall if I said this, but before we watched the movie on Sunday, while sitting on the sofa together, she asked something about my parents. If they offered to feed me or said anything to me. I said that I didn't stick around and declined thier offer of supper. Letting her know that my parents and my relationship is strained because of her. I didn't SAY this, but she knows.

She says, "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"It's all my fault. The thing with your mom and dad."

After I got off work yesterday, I stopped to get a few things from grocery store and called her. No answer. Texted her to be careful in the rain. No reply.

At home, found out she still had her phone ringer off. She was super tired. Like she was high, I told her. She agreed. She told me she had taken her meds before bed Sunday night and then again in the morning. Maybe too soon. I told her to lay down. She did and fell asleep. She did not eat the lunch she had taken. I said, "You went out to eat?" She said yes. I make some quick dinner just for us, as my kids had just eaten with my folks.

D11 got in trouble for hitting her sister and I sent her to her room. She fell asleep. D6 and I stayed up watching a movie together. Roomie is up later and joins us. We are watching "Sleepover". Girlie movie for D6.

After movie, D6 tells us that my sister told her that she wanted to adopt her and live with her. "Momma, what is adopt mean?"
"She wants you to be her daughter" roomie explains. I see the look on her face. A little upset. Then D6 says out of the blue, "Momma, what happens if we all our family breaks up? And even us girls have to get broken away?"
I don't recall roomie responding. I motion for D6 to come sit on my lap. "You don't worry about that kind of stuff, baby girl. You just don't have to think about that stuff, ok?"

I look at roomie. She is wiping her eyes.

I get D to bed. Roomie and I to bed.

I get another sweet, "Goodnight."
Goodnight.

This morning, we are up getting ready. I ask if she heard from neurologist. She called and left him a message, but no reply. I ask if she wants to change doctors. "I will if he doesn't get back with me today."

We leave and give each other our "Have a good day". I take my time and she gets way ahead of me. She calls me.
"Where are you? Are you stranded or what?"
"No, just taking my time. I'm trying to save gas."
"Oh, I didn't see you behind me. I need to get gas when we get into town."
"Yeah, me too."
"Welll, ok."
"I'll see you at the gas station."
"ok."
At gas station putting gas, she asks how much I am putting in. I tell her and she says how much she is putting in.

Ok?

She emailed me at about 11:30 today:

"Hello





Just checked on the girls, they ate breakfast, and are watching Monsters
Inc., I told them they could have turkey sandwiches and some watermelon
and strawberries for lunch. How has your morning been? Mine has been
pretty quiet this morning, hopefully it will stay that way."

I responded:

"Hello to you.

My morning has been kind of busy with maintenance catch up and some new accounts. A business and a couple of merchant service set ups. Been good today. Trying to find a Home Equity loan to input and get approved.

Will go eat a little later. You?

Got another one for ya.

The pharmacist of a drug store walks in and finds a guy doubled over and looking like he is holding his breath, next to a wall. The pharmacist asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”
The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxative.”
The pharmacist says “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
The clerk says, “Yeah, but look at him. Now he’s AFRAID to cough!”

You gotta laugh at that one. And its a clean one.

Until the guy coughs

Going to initiate some talk tonight, if possible. Try not to have R talk, but it might lead there. I want to ask her what she is afraid of most at this point in her life. What scares her.

I feel like I have nothing to lose, anymore.

I agree. Talking is good. She is listening. Other spouses in other situations aren't listening. She is.

wdid, whatever you do, don't stop posting to me. You have no idea how much you help me. Others do too, but getting your insight is really a blessing to me.

The way I look at things is like this. In my mind, she is leaving. Whether she does or not is irrelevant. In my mind, she is. So I treat her like she is. I have pulled back. But I can act a little differently, also. The feeling like I can try anything with her. That nothing to lose feeling. It's kind of empowering. I feel detached from her, but at the same time, able to kid around with her like I haven't in quite a while.

The comment I made about what she was wearing sounding hot. The playing around with the popsicles. Asking for the massage.

While she is here still, I am still focused on saving my marriage. If and when she leaves, not so much. It will be too hard to, IMO. My pull back is drawing her in, I think. I might be fooling myself, but I think you see it too. Saying I might be fooling myself might not be the right words, because I have no expectations at this point.

At some point, I am going to tell her that there is no reason for her to protect her heart from me. No reason to be guarded. I expect nothing from her, so no reason for that. Let her know that she can just be who she is around me. Let her know that I know how hard things are. Things are hard for me, too. We can lean on each other. Help each other.

Just like when her great grandfather died. I wrote her that she could always lean on me if she needed to. She later told me thank you for letting me lean on you. After the hospital stay. She even said that she knew she hadn't been a very good person to me, and that she didn't deserve me.

Just going to lay it all out on the table. I will still keep my aces, but put the rest out there. Who knows what could happen.

Today, I even thought about going and talking to MIL. Ask her if she thinks we are hopeless. They must have spoken more after I left on Sunday. She would tell me what she thinks. She USED to tell me to never give up on her daughter. Be interesting to know if she has changed her mind after all the talking they did this weekend.

Taking the "me" part out. Not worrying about helping me move on, how do others see my sitch, I wonder.

I post at length to try to get opinions. I see others around here that just seem so hopeless. It's heartbreaking. Maybe I'm too into my sitch to see. Really see.

At least she seems to appreciate that she has caused some damage and may even feel a bit sad about it. That is far more than I can say about H. Found out today that he agreed to everything except paying my attorneys fees. I will soon be free but I realize at what cost and H has no idea.

kat

Dollar wise, it may be a small price to pay in your sitch, kat.
Your right, she may be thinking about a lot of things, hopefully.

I'm not talking money.

kat

Duh!

I'm sorry.

Yeah, without actually saying the words, I'm trying to get her to realize a little more everday the price that she is going to pay, I'm paying and have been paying, our kids are going to pay, our friends, and our family. Hers and mine.

You would think that it is so clear.

To most WWS's, it isn't so clear. I think she is seeing a little, though.

Never got a response email to my response to her email

On my way home, I called to let my girls know I was on my way home. D11 said the wife had called and told them she'll home soon. I never got a call from her. I get home and she is still not home. Girls say she called again and said she was about 10 minutes away.

I love that feeling you get when you come home and the kids are soooo happy to see you. Best feeling in the world. "DADDY!!!!".
Gotta love it.

End up laying with D6 in her bed playing tickle and just playing around. Wife comes home and comes into the room, also. D6 and I are still laughing and playing and wife comes and sort of lays on both of us. All of us laughing and than D11 comes and joins us, too. We are having a good time together. Family. Again, another great feeling.

We are up and discussing dinner. It stormed today around lunch time. Roomie asks:
"Did your truck get flooded?"
My Ramcharger has an airvent over the cargo area and my window slides down leaving a 4'' gap.
"I got a little rain inside before I went to close it."
"I thought about you when it started to rain."
"What, were you laughing at me. You could have called me to remind me about my windows."
"I know you would have remembered."
"Yeah, I did after about 20 minutes of rain."
She smiles.
She starts cooking. D11 is complaining about a song D6 keeps on singing. "She won't stop", D11 says. Roomie say, "She is just happy." Then she starts to sing the words, "She is just happy, she is just happy, she is just happy."

Ok? Roomie is happy, too.

I am putting away dishes. She makes the girls a plate. I bend down to pick up something in the kitchen. I see roomie walk right up to me. I straighten up and she says, "Hi, friend!" with her arms wide open. I give a look like she is nuts. I go for the hug. Big hug. Tight hug. My face is in her neck. Hers in mine. Ongoing. We hear D6 looking for a fork. Roomie has one in her hand. Without breaking the hug, she says "Here Juli" and reaches her arm out. D6 takes the fork and she goes right back to the full hug. We never moved our faces.

I say softly,
"You must have had a good day".
"It was ok."

As we are swaying a bit, I forget to break first. She does. She says, "I didn't take my meds this morning. I decided to take them at night. I don't like the way them make me so tired during the day. I felt like a zombie yesterday."

I agreed. I finish dishes. She makes a plate for me and we go into our bedroom to watch the movies we have. First, "Under the Same Moon". Good movie but in Spanish. Then "The Orphanage". Again, in Spanish. What the? I had no idea. Good thing we know Spanish. Scary movie. At least for roomie. At the end we are shoulder to shoulder. Movie ends. Bed time.

I wake up and laying facing roomie on my right side. She then shifts to her left side. We are chest to chest and her leg is laying over my leg. We have not been like that for a year. Her left arm is outstretched towards me and now I'm using her arm as a pillow. This used to be our norm in a way. Now I really cant' sleep. At one point, her right arm falls between us and her hand is laying on me. I mean laying ON me. GOOD LORD! Give me strenght.

Just as I am about to put my left arm around her waist to pull her tighter, her damn phone rings. I let it go. It rings again. I break our hold, and answer. It is nephew calling at 1:30am. He forgot his key and is coming home. Can I leave the door open. I am pissed off and agree. Roomie has changed positions.

It felt great while it lasted.

Last night before bed, telling girls goodnight, I find out she is off today. I tell her "I'm glad I found out. I would have woken you up." She says that ok, I would just go back to sleep.
No telling what her plans are. Not gonna ask. She will hang with the girls today at least.

I know she bought some things for the apartment while hanging with her mother on Sunday.

Am I where wdid mentioned? Where she believes that I'm ok with her leaving? Making her feel better?

I'm still not initiating the conversations. I'm letting her. I have pulled way back. I see and feel her wanting to pull and pull me in. At least it feels like that.

I'm not ok with her leaving, but if she intends to keep the relationship with OM, then good riddance. She HAS to go. If she intends to end it with him, then a separation might be good for us.

I intend to talk about our goals for a separation. If she tries to tell me that she wants to see if she'll miss me or whatever, I am going to tell her, "If you don't end things with OM, then you are just lying to yourself, to me, and the kids as usual. There is no WAY you'll miss me. If your saying that just to SAY it, then just file for the divorce. No need to wait."

Also try to find an opportunity to throw in the "part time parent" truth dart somewhere.

I guess she goes either way.