Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Hope4us struggle, part 6

good call.

Thanks Pup, SG.

Not a real opportunity to initiate anything yet. Went to the picnic yesterday and had a great time. S16 was really disappointed WW didn't go along. He sent her a text telling her so and she just replied "sorry". He then sent her another rippin into her about her selfishness, how serious he was about moving with or without her, how it would do us all good to get back to family and real friends, just basically telling her all the stuff she needs to hear that she won't listen to me when I tell her the stuff. I told S16 that you can't make her do anything, that she needs to figure this out on her own and he said, "well, if she can't see how it would be best for us all, we just need to move without her". S16 also got out a lot of frustration he's feeling with his mom and her actions. He's started to put together a lot of things from the past year where she was lying to him also. And I found out that she had asked S16 if he wanted to go to an LSU/Kentucky football game with her and OM back in Oct the one weekend she had taken off to spend it with OM. Just another "script" move. Trying to introduce OM to her kids to complete the fantasy. Uh...that didn't happen and it's probably good for OM because S16 still wants to "freakin kill him".

So we were both expecting her to be in a nasty mood when we got home, but it was quite the opposite. She was better than she's been even the last couple weeks. Talking and engaging and telling me stuff she didn't need to. Sharing stuff that she hasn't shared in almost a year now. And it felt good to have her share those things.

Of course the suspicious me things she's got an agenda for being nice like this, but the other part of me thinks it's been over 3 months now since she claims NC and maybe, just maybe she's getting through WD and is starting to see more clearly.

I won't have a chance to talk to my boss about a transfer probably until Thurs, but that's ok. Give her a chance to come to the conclusion on her own that it would be in all our best interest to move and if she comes to that conclusion on her own, all the better for our marriage/family.

I'm trying to not get my hopes up too high, but it's hard not to. And the fall will be worse if she's just playing us once again, but it's a risk I'm willing to take.

Ugh. That's horrible.

H4U, I'm normally VERY, VERY careful to get the kids involved, as I've posted to both you and others. But since your son already knows, and the two of you are communicating well about it and he is also confronting his mother, you may want to encourage him to NOT focus on his mother's infidelity, but rather on her DECEIT. "Mom, you always taught us not to lie. I think that's what hurts me more than anything else -- that you lied to me (and list the occasions)."

I bet this will do more than anything else.

Puppy

Shortly before the first PA meeting for my WW, she sat the entire family down and said:

"LYING WILL NOT BE TOLERATED IN THIS FAMILY"

Deceit, especially as far as the kids go, is a key thing IMO, especially if the WS is attached to the K's.

Interesting, my WW also is famous in our house for saying "There are choices in life, good and bad. The consequences wil also be good or bad depending on the decision." IF ONLY THEY WOULD PRACTICE WHAT THEY PREACH!

Lost,

Maybe you should remind her of this meeting, and of her words. Ask her what changed.

Puppy

Maybe rather then putting W on the spot about moving just assume she may go and let the whole thing go. Tell your S he has conveyed his feelings, and that's good. Now let her marinate with that. When you have a date, calmly let her know when it is. Act and talk like she will be going, but know inside and remind the boys she may not. You all will be allowing her to make her own decision. No pressure. It has to be her choice. But try to be positive. If she doesn't go explain that she's confused and needs to stay and live alone for awhile to figure things out.

I think the picnic should have been her choice too. Wasn't it your family? Perhaps she doesn't feel completely comfortable around them. It has taken me awhile to "warm up" to my H's family again (and I was the LBS!). Before all this how was the relationship with your wife and your family? Were they close?

Also, try not to dwell on that past stuff about OM. I know how upsetting it is. There was a time my H said and did things that made me (and the kids) swear that some alien being somehow evicted him and got into his body.

Well, let's see.....

Yes Root, the decision to move is completely up to her, and this is what I'm struggling with right now. Last night was another great night. Every day seems to get better and better. And I feel like if I just give her more time, we'll get there and then she'll recognize that moving is in ALL our best interests. I've got a lot of thinking to do, but the way I'm feeling right now I'm probably going to give her another couple months without pushing it. I talked to S16 about the move and told him that even if I told my boss I wanted a transfer today, it may take up to 6 months for it to happen and he was ok with that, so if I don't push for a few more months and we keep making the progress we've been making I'm confident she'll come around. And then making the move is a lot easier. S16 also told me that if my wife and I were getting along better and making progress, staying here for a bit isn't too bad, but he really does want to move.

Yes, the picnic was my family. Wife has always got along with my family. In fact, she's almost got along better with them because her family is so F'd up. I'm sure she feels uncomfortable with the thought of going there even though the only member of my family who knows about the affair is one of my brothers and his wife. No one else knows, and that brother and SIL weren't even there Sunday.

I try not to dwell on OM, but because so far, WW has refused to discuss the affair and OM I have all these pent up things that are ready to explode and venting here is a way to not get in the car and go do what I'd like to do to him. Same goes for S16 Puppy. I agree that it's not good to get him overly involved, but he refuses to talk to a counselor. He's told me I'm the only one he feels comfortable talking to about the situation, so when he wants to talk, I listen. I also tell him every chance I can that she is still his mom and even though she's done this, it doesn't make her a bad person, just that she did a bad thing. And I tell him regularily that it's the lying that I'm most disappointed in, but to a 16 yr old, picturing his mother with another man is just hard for him to take.

LIS, it's funny you say that. I've noticed my WW lately making not so nice comments about people in affairs and lying. It's amazing how she can think that about other people but not equate those things to what she's done, but I think it's a good sign that she's starting to have a problem with other people doing it. I think it shows she maybe figuring this stuff out, but I'm not holding my breath.

That's about it. Yesterday S16 and WW had another conversation about moving and WW told S16 that wasn't a decision he would make for the family, but she would talk to me about it. I'm going to let her initiate that conversation. I think I've settled back on my plan of giving it until after our couples trip to Disney in Oct before pushing the envelope. Things just seem to be progressing so rapidly the last couple weeks that if it keeps up at this pace, we should be where I'd like to be in piecing by then and the potential move will be in everyone's best interest. If we're still "roommates" at that point, I'll know she needs the reality check of us moving without her and then I'll go there.

Thanks for the advise every one. I'm interviewing candidates for a couple of open positions I have the next couple days so I won't be able to comment on everyone's sitch's, but that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about ya!

Stay the course, my bruthaman. Stay the course. You're doing the Lord's work, man.

Puppy

Thanks Pup. Another good night at home. At one point, W slipped into a mini-mini funk, but quickly came out of it. Not sure what it was about, but didn't last long. She was quite talkative and engaging. Just a continuation of the last couple weeks.

S16 told me he talked to her again about moving and she replied "I like it here" and got a little pissy with him. I talked to him later in the evening and told him I thought it was a mistake to continue pushing the move for now. She's still in her "it's all about me" state of mind. I told him I wanted to give her a few more months to continue making the progress I feel we're making and to push her now would be a mistake. I asked him if 3 months of his life was worth the chance that our marriage could make it and he agreed it was. I just told him that things seem to be going well and if she continues the progress she seems to be that giving her some more time to complete WD and recommit to the marriage would be worth it in the end. I told him that if we're still living as "roommates" after our Oct trip that I would then tell her we're moving with or without her and he was ok with that.

Traded some funny TM's with W this morning re: our dog. He's 10 yrs old (which is old for a lab) and he's starting to show his age. Again, just more conversations etc between us that haven't been there for months and months.

Still haven't had the right opportunity to initiate the hugs/intimacy I'm planning, but I will soon.

Thanks for listening. Still more interviews today so I won't be able to comment on others sitch's, but doesn't mean I'm not thinking about ya all!

I'll be anxious to hear how this goes!