Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Help me Act AS IF, Part 7: The Separation

Oh, man. I am just MISERABLE. Sobbing and sobbing right now. One of my friends, trying to be loyal to me, made an excuse to H about why her daughter, who is my D7's best friend, couldn't sleep over at H's new apt. I told H that I wasn't surprised, that of course separation and divorce made friends and family divide loyalties. I then, stupidly, said that many of our friends thought he had treated me badly and thought he was unstable.

Mistake. But--you know what? I have tried so hard to take the high road during all of this, have bit my tongue, have not bad-mouthed him to our kids--and sometimes I snap and say or do something without thinking.

H called and got FURIOUS at me, wanting to know what I'd told our friends to make them think he was unstable and that that was a dangerous thing to say.. He has been such an unemotional zombie during all this that it was almost thrilling to hear him get genuinely angry, to display some real emotion. I told him that I have NEVER implied to anyone that he was an unfit father--and I haven't. People have come to their own conclusions based on what I have said, what he has said, and what they have observed. I have no control over what people think. He said I should have "jumped down the throat" of anyone who doubted his fathering abilities and defended him--that that's what he'd do for me if someone implied I was an unfit mother. Is he kidding? Defend him???? Like I said, I have not, and will never, suggest that he is a bad father--but if someone thinks something negative about him TOO BAD. What does he expect of me? I feel like I am supposed to not feel sad/hurt that he's left me AND I'm now supposed to defend his actions and his fathering too??

The whole thing spiraled out of control. I expressed my deep pain about the whole S once again, to which
H said "people get separated every day"--which he has said before--and I totally lost it. I said yes, people also get cancer every day --but that doesn't mean they suffer less than all the other millions of people who get it.

Anyway, we went back and forth--me accusing him of hurting me deeply and not caring, him refusing to apologize or admit to having been a jerk. At one point I said that many marriages go stale after 16 years and two kids and that the first thing you do isn't to up and leave, with no MC or anything. He replied "No, the first thing you do is have a child," implying that he has been unhappy in our M since before we had D11 and that he thought a baby would improve things. That completely took my breath away and I just froze. That just KILLED me. I had to hang up on him. How can he say that? Is that really true? Why has he been writing me love letters for years and years, taking me away and giving me beautiful gifts for all our anniversaries if he's been secretly unhappy for 12 years? Has our whole M, or most of it, been a sham?

And, yes, the fact is, that having kids does change a M. DUH. As one of my friends said, why is my H so special that he couldn't deal with that? And why would he pull that out and say it when I am already so sick with hurt?

I just feel so devastated that he said that--so, so devastated. I have been sobbing for an hour (fortunately our Ds are not with me tonight, so I can weep freely). I don't know what to believe anymore--the love letters, the M I thought we had, or that he has wanted out on some level since before we had kids.

I wish so much I could go completely dark/NC on him, but I can't since we exchange the kids on a regular basis and still have to meet with our mediator to figure out money, schedules, etc.

I just HATE H right now. HATE that he has no feelings for me, is unaffected by me or my hurt and on top of it seems to relish saying the most hurtful things possible.

Oh, sweetie, I'm so very sorry. Your husband is so wrapped up in his own need for freedom. I'm certain he feels guilt, but to minimze those feelings, he's creating a totally different history than the reality.

I wish I could say something or do something to help.

It's OK to feel the hate/anger, but don't let it consume you... it'll destroy you and you still have the ability to be happy. One day you will feel so much stronger than you do now. It's late, but if you're still in this state tomorrow, do something physical to get your mind off it. Take it moment by moment.

(((((((lmg))))))))

Oh, sweetie, I'm so very sorry. Your husband is so wrapped up in his own need for freedom. I'm certain he feels guilt, but to minimze those feelings, he's creating a totally different history than the reality.

I wish I could say something or do something to help.

It's OK to feel the hate/anger, but don't let it consume you... it'll destroy you and you still have the ability to be happy. One day you will feel so much stronger than you do now. It's late, but if you're still in this state tomorrow, do something physical to get your mind off it. Take it moment by moment.

(((((((lmg))))))))

Oh man, I'm so sorry. Just remember these WAS's have a way of rewriting history. IT's part of the journey. The I've been unhappy for years and years bit. My H started with being unhappy for 6 months, then over time it went all the way back to 2 1/2 years ago. It kept changing. And all the while like you, I have cards, letters, memories of great times,.........but all of that got erased in his head.

Try as hard as it is, to not let this heated argument overtake the whole journey. You both were heated ,it's easy to say things you don't mean, and even easier for them right now when history is so muddled up in their heads.

You have got to try SO SO SO hard right now to GAL like crazy. You've got to leave the "crazy" behind for a moment and focus on getting yourself in a stronger place for you and your kids. Seriously.......... take the focus off of him and your relationship right now. Focus on doing things that bring you joy and peace. Surround yourself with those positive people in your life, and ONLY communicate right now about the kids/ schedules, just the basics. It WILL be noticed!

Chris

Thanks. I know I need to calm down-but the comment about "no, the first thing you do is have a child" really destroyed me, took it to a new level.

In general, during these 3 weeks since he left, I've been doing really well, feeling at peace at times, feeling able to forgive H and be friends with him, GALing like crazy. This episode, unfortunately, undid all that, at least for now.

Tomorrow is a new day and I know I am going to be OK in the long run. I just really can't believe the things my formerly wonderful, thoughtful and sweet H has allowed himself to say. He seems to feel GOOD when he says things that negate our whole M, too, like he's finally speaking the truth and he's proud of himself.

I wish I could write it all off as MLC/WAS crap, but it's so hard to do that because I've always respected him so much and thought he was so smart and perceptive (he used to think the same about me, but clearly not any more.) So part of me thinks that he must be right and that it's me who has misread everything.

I continue to struggle with the rewriting history aspect of this. It makes me feel like I'm completely crazy because here I thought I had such a wonderful, devoted husband and that he and I were so in tune with each other. All of our friends thought that too and they are all shocked at what H has done.

I'll say that the past couple of years have been different than they were for most of our M; H was of in his own head, very irritable and explosive (which he's never been). Obviously, he was mulling all this stuff over.

But for him to imply that he's been unhappy w/me for over a decade??? That makes no sense, unless he missed his calling as an award-winning actor. It's just so confusing. How does someone begin to believe they've been living a lie (as H put it). I just don't get it and I'm not sure how to forgive him--because if he's been living a lie for years and years, then I have too, without knowing it.

I don't know if you'll ever understand. I don't buy into what he's saying, but in the off chance that he's being honest (finally) then he's failed you, himself and his children. And to bring a child into this world as an effort to save a "failing" marriage is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Does he realize what he's saying???

One of my DB buddies has been married 25 years and her h is telling her he's never been happy, yet he always told EVERYONE how much he loved his wife up until a month before he left.

It's insane.

((((lmg)))))

Thanks, imp.

After that huge fight on Wed, I was so furious and I sent an email to our mediator, cancelling our appt for Friday. I couldn't picture sitting in the room with him discussing money and schedules. H then sent the MOST condescending email to the mediator (ccing me), saying "we need to help LMG see that what she is doing is hurting the girls, not me."

That enraged me even more--because I'm not DOING anything to hurt our girls!! And the tone was so haughty. At one point he said "I have tried to use delicacy and discretion and present a neutral account of our S to our friends. But where my children are concerned, I will not sit idle."

GAG. Now he's the noble protector of the innocent wee ones and I'm the unstable, addled woman.

It's so hard, because just when I start to feel like I'm really letting go, something like this happens and all that hurt and anger overcomes me again and the DBing goes out the window.

I can't even tell anymore if I really do love H --if that's at the root of my pain--or if I am just so wounded by his IDLYA and rewritten history and frustrated because nothing I do or say has any effect on him. It's an extreme game of hard-to-get all of a sudden. He is COMPLETELY divorced from his emotions, completely cold and unresponsive and I keep hitting my head against a wall (or going down cheeseless tunnels, as it were) hoping I can penetrate. He got so angry during that fight on Wed, which was rare and oddly satisfying because--wow--he does have some emotions!

But during that argument (on the phone), he announced :"OK, this is why I'm going back inside." He meant back inside himself, his head.

So now we're at this standstill with mediation and it's up to me to restart that process. It definitely drives H crazy that I pulled out--because as he said "I don't think it's in your best interests or in the best interests of the girls."

EVERYTHING he expresses is purely logical, intellectual,--anything but emotional.Several times during these months I have done a 180 and participated in the S procedures, been friendly and cool and rational--which is what he wants. He just wants me to go along with the arrangements and not kick up a fuss. But after I do that for a while, I start to feel like a sucker.

Anyway, on it goes. I've been lax about posting on other's threads lately, though I have been trying to read them. I'm just so drained.

LMG - just checking in. We are so close to being in the same place. You're one step ahead, and I'm so sorry for the pain. If I've learned nothing about all of us that are here WE DO NOT DESERVE THIS. It's so hard to believe that it is possible for a person who at least said he loved me for so many years can now be so callous, uncaring and distant....and I know you feel the same......hang in there. I know, we don't have a choice..........and that sucks too!!!

honey, it's not about DBing anymore - it's about keeping yourself sane for the next little while.

My H said something similar to me - in front of my brother - that I had pressured him into marriage and kids and he never wanted any of it. Probably a bit of truth to this, in that I was ready for those things and he wasn't. A little patience then would have gone a long way, but what did I know, I was young and in love.

There was an episode even before we were married but living together, that he said he was feeling 'trapped'. I handled it the totally wrong way (anger, withdrawal, stomping around) and I think at that point my H decided (at least subconsciously) that sharing his feelings with me wasn't safe. Our 'communication' has largely been about me - my anger, my hurt, what he's done wrong. Oh, another ah ha moment - just recalling some conversations we've had in the past few years. I'll have to think about this some more - apparently it's another opportunity for growth...

Anyway, sorry for wandering off into my own life. I remember how devasted I was hearing those words. I'm glad that you had some space and time to cry about this.

Many, many people who have been through this say that their S rewrites history. Of course it makes you question everything - while you were going around like your life was on solid footing, it was actually all a lie?

Try not to let your H's experience (whatever it was) negate yours. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to express what I mean - you still lived those years and gained what you did, not the least of which is your two lovely girls. There were many moments of joy for you - they are still yours and one day you will be able to look at your memories without wondering what was going on for your H at the point - it will be enough to know what was going on for you.

Your H is dead. He can't see anything from your side and doesn't really care how you're feeling at this point, other than it increases the unpleasant feelings he's running from. It's awful, it's not fair, I wish I could wave my magic wand - but no one can. This is one of those horrible things you just have to live through.

I think you've said that you're on ADs already, but maybe you could talk to your doctor about adjustments/changes, if you're finding yourself completely overwhelmed? I go to a walk-in clinic and have noticed a real difference between the doctors in terms of their knowledge about ADs. Sometimes a second opinion is a good idea.

Use the time when your girls are not with you to do things that make you feel calmer. Take care of yourself. Are you a gardener? I was thinking the other day that I don't know what I'll do over the winter - being outside and connecting with living, growing things makes me feel so much better!

You'll be okay.