I'm having the same fear, yet loving my h anyways. The whole S was his idea, not my deal. I'm changing, I'm growing, but I am going to always show him love.
Yes its hard and I don't know if it will hurt or help in the end, but I have a feeling it helps.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Smartcookie - I saw that you googled divorce - but what made you decide that there was something worth saving? How did that happen for you? It sounds like I'm looking for a solution to the puzzling emotions of my W - and maybe I am - but I also just want to keep the hope going that somewhere inside her is the woman that loves our family - and that isn't so damaged by her darkness...she's an amazing person - I miss that person so much. -sb.
Hi Gypsy, K, gorgeous butterfly, emerging independent woman,
This happened a bit ago ? Remind me.
I'm taking good care of me, guess what......
I'm in my home office again, on the very computer that he put the keylogger software on. On the very computer that it all happened. 13 months & 10 days, I haven't touched it or sat in this room.
I'm doing school work, & watching Monsters Inc on TV. LOL
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Be patient with him, he is trying you know it and best yet you are beginning to believe it. Remember he can only follow your lead, continue to vocalize to him, but don't 'expect' a certain response, he IMHO is in this right beside you I would even go as far to say he is as afraid of hurting as you are.
You are a special person that is taking the time to grow, continue to recognize the pitfalls and triggers and keep it on the level of communication that you have found to work
Your path of self awareness is taking both of you on a journey to a better place...
Then tonight, he seemed withdrawn. He talked to our D during a show we were watching. Didn't say much to me. Then at bedtime, he went up without kissing me first. He hasn't skipped kissing me in weeks & weeks.
I don't understand. Why does he pull back just when I need reassurance the most ?
I followed him up, I asked him "for the last several weeks, you've given me a nice warm kiss goodnight, but not tonight?", he said he thought I was coming right up, (even though I was flipping thru the DVR list). I asked "it seems like you talked a lot to D during the show, & not me?" He said I don't know, I thought everything was fine. He said, come to bed, & I'll hold you. I got in bed, but told him I was going to read for a few minutes, & see if I could figure out what was bothering me.
You are doing well smart cookie, but I'll point out a few things about the above. This is how YOU felt...like he was withdrawn, not talking during the show, and you realized he didn't kiss you (and yes, he may have been intending to kiss you goodnight upstairs). I understand you have insecurities, but they are YOUR insecurities. He can't understand what's in your head or what you need. So try not to hold it against him or let insecurities run rampant. I've learned from my own insecurities (ie feeling like she's withdrawn, etc) that it's oftentimes something that I have to fix myself. I can't always ask my wife to fix that for me, especially when she isn't doing anything differently and it's just me looking so hard at non-verbal cues.
That being said, I noticed in your conversation with your husband that he didn't do a great job of just hearing what you had to say and trying to understand it. He gave you rational reasons why you shouldn't feel the way you do rather than understanding that you do feel that way, from time to time. It's what all of us guys do. We want to fix you when something is broken. Although the book is corny, it may help for you both to read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. You might understand the withdrawal more and understand that he isn't trying to invalidate your feelings. He might understand what it is that you need. Just some thoughts.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I went looking for the post... but couldn't find it. He was working on something.. later you agreed that he was focusing on being a provider and that it was hard for a man when he feels he's not able to do that.
You have it down to the day? Do you do that for everything? Like.. umm.. how long have you know sweet lil ole me?
You have accomplished so much in your sitch with no outside help. It is well beyond what most people can accomplish. However, I think you could still benefit from going through the Retrouvaille experience. They teach both you and your husband a communication technique that forces each of you to listen to the other with your heart. This is a different kind of listening. It is a listening that leads to understanding. And with understanding, who knows what is possible! The dates and places are on the website, http://www.helpourmarriage.org.
I love Monsters Inc. It was d7's first DVD addiction when she was about 2 or 3. She would make monster noises and put her hands up in claw like a monster to tell us she wanted to watch it.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
