This is a little of topic but more to do with Abby. I was analyzing Abby at this party yesterday. She is beyond shy. I'm worried about her when she goes to kindergarden in August. She's really going to have a tough time.
Abby's been playing at the neighbors house for a couple years. I hear her talking to her friend and friends sister, but the grandmother told me Abby never says a word to them. In two years!!!
She doesn't talk to any adult other than family....and she doesn't talk to other kids once there is more than 3 at one time. I'm very worried about her future.
Any ideas out there or someone who's child was like this? I'm almost thinking therapy soon.
Hey Abby's Dad, we have a son with a similar pattern. He's the youngest of 4 kids, so we didn't worry as much. He did not say one single word, not "mom", not "no", not "yes", he would point & grunt, & it worked for him. I was about to try speech therapy, & I'd already had his hearing tested. One day I forced him to say please (it took 45 minutes of him crying, getting mad, slamming his fist on the fridge, he'd point, & I'd say, "only if you say please", to get an ice cream sandwich) when he was 3 years old & 2 months. He finally started talking, but I had to force him to use words.
When I tried to put him in pre-school when he was 4, he held onto my leg & cried & cried for 6 months every morning of pre-school. This was soooooooooo strange to me, my other kids jumped out of the car, said bye & ran off to go play. I just sat in the corner of pre-school, & gradually let him move out of my lap around 7 months later. LOL
When we were out in public, he never spoke to a single adult. Cashiers would say how handsome he was, or ask what toy he had, or what type of candy, he would completely ignore them. Not one word.
Kindergarten arrived. I was sure he'd have a mild heart attack when it came time to walk away from me. (teasing sort of)
Anyway, the kindergarten teacher had a welcome day, where the kids came in for 15-20 minutes, then went back home. Once he saw all the cool stuff, he was better. Then the morning of........I'm hoping, praying, crossing my fingers....the teacher had them all line up, blow mom/dad a kiss & walk in. Off he went. I cried all the way to the car. lol
Around Christmas break, the teacher asked me if he talked at home. After talking with her, it turned out that he never raised his hand or spoke to the teacher. He had 4 little girls sitting at his table that talked for him. If he needed help, one of the girls would raise her hand, & tell the teacher L needs help Mrs B. lol On the playground, if he got hurt, one of the girls would run over & tell the teacher, Mrs B, L got hurt. Over Christmas vacation, L & I practiced several times a day to be able to say "good morning Mrs B". The first morning back, we walked up to her, L said it to her, she grinned huge & said, "L, how nice to hear your voice". LOL
Two months later, we got a puppy. L started telling his teacher & the other kids something about the puppy every single day. The dam had broke, & my son was talking to EVERYBODY about the puppy. Total strangers would hear about our puppy.
He's still a bit aloof with friends at times. He's definitely the quietest of all my kids. When he was younger & in the back of the suburban & would talk to me, if I didn't hear him & asked "what did you say" he'd say "nevermind". He's just his own little different person. Oh, & he didn't like his dad, didn't want his dad to touch him, & he didn't speak to his dad, (yes my husband) until he was 5. That was super hard on my H.
But, H started talking L out for ice cream cones about a year ago, & now they're buddies. They play marco polo together in the pool. I love hearing them laugh together.
Hang in there. For a long time, I thought L had turettes, or was high functioning autistic, or had Aspberger's syndrome. I researched all of those, talked to numerous pediatricians, & we coudn't quite diagnose anything.
Today he's just fine. He's a gemini, which might explain some of that. LOL The other kids joke that he needs anger management classes. We never know who will show up, the good twin, or the evil twin. But I love all of him, & I think accepting him & by not pushing him (most of the time) he worked his way through it all.
Abby sounds just fine for what she's going through. I'd expect her to be a bit quiet & withdrawn for a while. Just tell her every single day that you & her mom both love her, that it's not anything she did to cause the D, & that you & her mom just can't live in the same house anymore. Ask her often if she has any questions & tell her she can talk about anything, even if she's mad at you. That it's okay to feel however she wants to feel.
You sound like an amazing dad, she's lucky to have you.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hey I'm back, I was thinking more about Abby & trying to put myself in her shoes & imagining how she's feeling right now.
She may think her mom may have abandoned her. You said W doesn't call every day. To a child, that's really confusing. All the sudden one of her parents vanished almost. She's probably mad at mom & you. Maybe she thinks, somewhere deep down, that you made mom leave or she thinks mom left because she didn't love abby enough. She doesn't allow herself to feel this anger because if she's mad at you, then she's all alone. (in her little mind, not adult reality). So, if mom vanishes, she's mad at dad, yet clings to dad because she's scared of him leaving too, why would you think she'd talk to OTHER adults. Here's the two most important ones & she's majorly confused. Adults to her are now unpredictable people. You can invite her to talk about all these feelings. You can reassure her that its okay to be mad at mom, you, all adults. You just keep telling her that you ARE NOT going anywhere. That mommy loves her, but can't live with her right now & make sure you tell her all the time, this D is not her fault, she didn't cause it, & isn't responsible for it.
there, that's better. take care of her.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Thanks for you replies. Lots of good stuff there. I do think recent events to play apart. She does have anger and shows it sometimes when something doesn't go her way. She never had this anger before. I do tell her I love her and am not going anywhere....I say this everyday. I even had her sleep in my bed (but therapists said not a good idea on a regular basis). I agree.
But the shyness has always been there. Since D was 2 she's been like this. So shy in public and in groups. Yesterday was really a shock because it was her good friends party. Abby wouldn't even get in the group picture...all the other kids did. At times I wish we would've put her in more activities or any. I know she's not 5 yet so I still have time.
You are right about missing her mom....she doesn't say anything but I know its effecting her. Mommy is suddenly gone...what kid is not going to have reactions to this?
But you give me hope. School is the one place where he shyness slowly evaporated (for her at least). I was so shocked on Friday at how well she was at the graduation. She smiled the whole time and even participated in the singing. I guess being with those teachers for two years helped. I was a proud dad Friday!!!
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
regarding the shyness...our son never liked his picture taken. He still doesn't. For his 3rd birthday party we had a bunch of neighbor kids over, he wouldn't come out of his room. LOL At school things, (he's in 3rd grade now), he won't dance or sing. He just stands there. He just marches to his own beat, which is fine with me, and his dad is gradually adjusting to accept it also.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Well I thought I would post something because W dropped off D tonight and we chatted a bit. I was in good spirits because I set the all time revenue billed in one day at work. Great day for me.
After some idle talk she says, "Do you have a GF?". For those not following along I had a one-dayer and W found the wrapper a week later. I haven't admitted a thing. I said no. She says "Would you tell me if you did?" I said sure.
Then she says, "What was that I found? Never seen that kind." I was sort of smiling because I don't know why she cares. I said, "Really its none of your business because you moved out and our living your own life."
She tried a couple more times but I didn't answer.
Why does she care all of a sudden? Any theories?
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
i would think it's because you've GAL and you've become mysterious. Plus, all the other things you've done....it's starting to have an effect. and she wonders about you.
don't read too much into it tho.....
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Hey there AD how are you my friend? Just wanted to check in on ya.
That is great about the weight loss, I to have lost about 20 lbs. but don't want to lose anymore, I like to stay at about 230 that way when I get the muscle built back up women will be like OMG
Thanks for checking in. I've been GALing. Don't think W likes it either. Tuesday night was bad though. Went to a buddies house for dinner....he loves to cook. W said to me again....have fun on your date. I didn't dignify her with a response. Anyway, I got very drunk and don't remember much. I guess I stayed at his house, I threw up in bed and then drove myself home at 6am (don't remember driving).
Yesterday I stayed home from work and slept all day. I'm actually a little freaked because I don't remember anything. I'm so stupid. So I swear I'm done drinking....possibly ever. I'm too old to act like this.
W did call and continued on the "Who are you dating, etc?" I tend to think she's jealous but its possible she wants me to date then she can be open with her relationship. Don't know what that's all about.
Thanks for the weight loss comment. I'm really going to get down to 170 and then start really bulking up. I'm jogging and cycling and it feels great.
I caught up with your sitch earlier but its hard to comment at work. I will though.
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
I might mean something, or it might not. It could be concern of you dating around Abby. Who knows? But I do know that you should be honest and tell her that you aren't dating anyone. I'd say you aren't ready for something like that. By even letting her think you're dating, even if it's driving her nuts, you're saying, "that's how quickly I got over you. See how much I love you?" If you reconcile, this will bite you in the butt.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
