I'm glad you're enjoying your kids -- you're a great dad!
I'm not seeing where your words here:
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I have pulled way back. . . I'm not ok with her leaving, but if she intends to keep the relationship with OM, then good riddance. She HAS to go. If she intends to end it with him, then a separation might be good for us.
is aligning with your actions here:
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We are up and discussing dinner. It stormed today around lunch time. Roomie asks: "Did your truck get flooded?" My Ramcharger has an airvent over the cargo area and my window slides down leaving a 4'' gap. "I got a little rain inside before I went to close it." "I thought about you when it started to rain." "What, were you laughing at me. You could have called me to remind me about my windows." "I know you would have remembered." "Yeah, I did after about 20 minutes of rain." She smiles. She starts cooking. D11 is complaining about a song D6 keeps on singing. "She won't stop", D11 says. Roomie say, "She is just happy." Then she starts to sing the words, "She is just happy, she is just happy, she is just happy."
Ok? Roomie is happy, too.
I am putting away dishes. She makes the girls a plate. I bend down to pick up something in the kitchen. I see roomie walk right up to me. I straighten up and she says, "Hi, friend!" with her arms wide open. I give a look like she is nuts. I go for the hug. Big hug. Tight hug. My face is in her neck. Hers in mine. Ongoing. We hear D6 looking for a fork. Roomie has one in her hand. Without breaking the hug, she says "Here Juli" and reaches her arm out. D6 takes the fork and she goes right back to the full hug. We never moved our faces.
I say softly, "You must have had a good day". "It was ok."
As we are swaying a bit, I forget to break first. She does.
I'm just not seeing it.
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Am I where wdid mentioned? Where she believes that I'm ok with her leaving? Making her feel better?
That was interesting to me, too, Tom. H4h, she was trying to tell you something with that...make a joke to lighten up the situation?......incinuate that you are more than friends so emphasize the "friends" to show the sarcasm?.....Emphasize the "friends" to make sure you know that this is a "friend hug" and not a "lover hug"? Although, whey even give a "friend hug"??????? I mean, there was no reason for it was there? Maybe saying and doing that so that you wouldn't be mad at her anymore since you were being more quiet with her (she doesn't like that very much...I never did either)?
If I were you, I would ask her straight out what that was all about?
You said that you are getting to that point......is this the time for the ultimatum? If so, be ready to follow through all the way or don't do it at all.
You know wd. my sitch was totally different.. I let the exw go.. due to mental health thingys.. but I do recall the "last hug".. she came over to me and thanked me for "giving her three wonderful sons..." etc.. I resisted it..and just said thanks alot.. please take your meds.. that sort of thing ?
Very much a different sitch with our boy here btw..
Puppy, Tom's funny, huh? He looks after me, though.
wdid, I don't know what it was about. From the things that I've learned from around here, I was maybe assuming she had met up with OM, hence her really good mood. They probably had lunch, as usual, but still wouldn't explain the hug. I think it WAS because of my being kind of quiet with her. But still the way we slept together was totally different as well. Like the old days.
I think our friendship has been important to her. Actually I don't think, I know. She has said this to me before. On several occasions. Maintaining our friendship.
I just remembered that after I had told her that she must have had a good day, while hugging, she said that I just looked like I needed a hug. I said that I ALWAYS need a hug, that everyone always needs a hug.
She had also given me a long hug during church. Then afterward, locked teary eyes for several moments.
Really no other reason for the hug Tuesday. It was out of the blue as far as I'm concerned.
Now yesterday. 180 turnaround. Before I left in the morning, nephew had left her $65 that she paid for him for his Golds Gym membership the other day. I asked her if it went to our joint account. She said yes. I know she had written a check out her account to pay for it, then took cash from the joint account to repay herself. But she took $100.
Late afternoon, I hear from her. She asks if I have the swimming bag in my truck, and I say yes. They might stop by to pick it up. She is very matter of fact. Short with me. She asks if I had deposited the $. I say not yet, been busy but I will. She says there is only $1 something in the joint account. Ok? Ok.
Not overdrawn, but is she blaming me for an account we both use? It was going to be fine with the deposit. She gets to my work, calls me that she is getting bag. I go meet them outside. She hardly says anything to me. I tell my girls hello. She is extremely short with me. I did nothing wrong, so to heck with her.
On my way home, I assume they went swimming and I call her to ask what they want for dinner. I did not want to join them. They were at the Borders looking around. Never made it to swimming. She is not talkative and tells me whatever we have at home would be fine.
At home, by the front door is the stuff she bought for the apartment on Sunday. Decorative stuff. Also some boxes from her work. You would think she is going to need more necessities. I begin dinner. Trying to be upbeat. Tidy up a little. They come home about an hour later. I have a printout of our account on the table. She looks at it. We talk a little about our account. She is acting better after our talk, but still very distant. Well, so am I.
We all eat dinner watching a movie. Our norm lately. Family dinner at the table has not happened in some time, now. Roomie actually asks me about my day. I give a little. I ask about her day. She gives a little. Visits to stores, not much. No buying. I can tell something is up. She is just acting too weird. After eating, she goes to take a shower. I talk to D11 a little. I ask if they had fun today. What did they do.
They visited the apartment. The actual one. It is nice. I ask if momma signed any papers. She said no, but she thinks around Aug 26, is what she heard. I change the subject. We all watch another movie. One can tell that roomie and I were trying to avoid each other. The girls want to sleep in sleeping bags in our room. We all go to bed.
During the night, I have a nightmare. We are all traveling in a car. Singing a song together. Roomie is driving. I notice us going off the road. I look over and see her all stiff holding the steering wheel. I am yelling at her. Is she ok. Something happening to her. I am trying to grab the wheel and swing my foot over to hit the brakes. Next thing, I am walking around the car which is on its side. Off the road, but lots of space all around. Cars stopping. I am telling people about my family. I am desperate. There is no one in the car.
Then I woke up. I am upset. I wake up roomie. I tell her. I ask if she'll lay with me. In my arms. I put my arm under her head, facing the same direction. My arm comes across her chest and my hand under her opposite arm pit. My other arm around is around her waist. Five minutes we lay there. My face is next to hers. She falls asleep off and on. Then she starts to stretch, fidget. I raise my arm that is around her waist and she moves right away. She tells me it was just a dream. Say a prayer. I turn away from her, lay on my side and go to sleep.
This morning, I am upset. She couldn't take some time to comfort me. Her friend, supposedly. My usual quiet. She wakes up with out me waking her. While we are getting ready, I discover that she used OM ATM to withdraw $125. She never told me about her visit to the apartment. She asks me if I am ok. I tell her I'm fine. No problem. Just a dream, right?
I want her out. I give up. I am going to write her a note. I will give it to her at the end of sermon at church on Sunday. Before I go to pray at the altar.
It will say that if she has no intention of ending things with OM, then there is no reason for her to wait on the divorce paperwork anymore.
I'll tell her to do us both a favor, pull the trigger and put us BOTH out of our misery. The feeling is just building and building. He is what she wants, then she can have him.
Not going to live like this anymore. I will be there if she needs me. Because of the girls. She is the mother of my kids. I love her. I will help her with the move. If she wants to talk to me, she will have to call me because I will not be calling her. I will contact her concerning the kids only. Our friendship is over.
I will think of what else to write and post it before.
And get some input.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Like I said before....she wants you to be "ok" with her leaving and to be her friend and make it "all ok". She wants you to get to the point she is so that it isn't HER leaving but you BOTH feel it is for the best and look, seee....we are still friends everyone???!!!!
I think you are right to do something. Someday, you will be coparents together if she leaves, but you will never just be friends. Do something now. Do not make this easy for her to leave. Make her see what she is doing. She cries at church, she cries when her kids say stuff, she KNOWS it is wrong......There is NO REASON for her to not TRY without the OM in the picture....her family and kids deserve this...a real try with counseling, retrouvaille, etc. YOu have told her this, but tell her again. If after x amount of time, nothing has changed....after NC with OM (full transparency to you), books, counseling, retrouvaille, then you both can say you tried and call it quits. There is No reason she can't do this!!!!!
