Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Trouble on the lake erie shore #3

"you said "change your perspective".......i'm not sure i understand 100%.....like try to see things thru my W's eyes? Look for the positive signs? Something else?"

All of that factors in. One of the big things you will notice here is that people start posting here with a mindset of "Desperation". You can see it. It is really not hard to see. As they go thru this stuff and get support and advice you will see what I call a "tone" change. The words may not change that much.. but the "tone" of the post does. That is a change in perspective. They are becoming more comfortable with the situation they are in. IMHO.. GAL is simply a tool to get you comfortable with "where you are" so you can start working. You can't do this stuff while you are stuck in the anger, bitterness.

As a example.. there is someone posting here (On DB in Newcomers).. that is really stuck in it. Now I am sure it is not cool to use names but a huge perception change will need to happen.. before anything changes in that stitch..

yes that is true. i hope i appear to be more comfortable in my sitch. i have my moments of anger/bitterness/hopelessness. but i think they're becoming less and less, and i beginning to handle them better. GAL indeed.

and i think i know who you are talking about....and yes, that perspective needs to change.....

hi Neilh
I wanted to weigh in, as best I could, on this point.



H is starting to voice a version of this as well (12 months after I left). 18 months after I told him there were problems in a way that he finally heard.

He sat in counseling session after counseling session for monhts, and said "it was all good for me, sure there were fights, but all in all, it was good"

My question to you:
So if you wouldn't walk away from a R in which your needs aren't being met, what does that make you, if you claim it doesn't make you a "better person"?

Because to me, it sounds like you think it does.

You wanted a WAW POV:
To me, in my situation, as part of our R talk and improving things talk, I would tell my H what my issues were that I was working on and how it was impacting our R. : codependency, bad boundaries, family history issues, self-esteem issues.

Within a week or two of this 'sharing', guess what he all of a sudden has "issues" with? Same laundry list, but his were much worse, and he was coping just fine. I think I could have said "i have a yeast infection" and he would've had one too, but was managing with the Monstat 7.

So when I hear him telling me "my needs weren't met in the R, but I wouldn't have walked away", it smacks to me of the same behaviour he had when we were trying to work it out. One upsmanship.

That is my view, I don't know how your wife views it. My M. circumstances are different than the ones she left.

Is that what you wanted a POV on or was there something else?

Neil- ...my H was hanging out with all single poeple and this too is what led him to believe that marriage should be "fun" all the time and he wanted to be "happy"....well guess what...becasue of DB'ing and backing off, GAL'ing, etc...he was able to see that is aint so much fun after all...he told me this last thursday. He saw his single guy friends wanting to talk to girls and he made them leave the bar with him, he said his single guy friends want a cookie cutter of themselves and he now sees that this isnt what a marriage is made of.
at first I was annoyed that he was hanging out with single guys, but then i realized there was a plan for him...somehow he would get a lesson in all this.

I tell you this bc there is no way your wife can feel happy about being in the "singles" world again no matter how much she says he likes it...so please be patient and do not press her for anything. do not bring up the R right now...if you get a chance, only after she has brought up the R, drop a line or two here and there- but do not ask for anything in return.

She is getting her lessons from many paces right now- dont worry-her life is teaching her things everyday!

She will see this soon enough- then she has a choice to make ....

have a good day!

my head hurts from the 2x4 bridgestone...ouch. that wasn't exactly what i was looking for however....

no you're right. it does sound like i'm playing one upmanship. I've done some serious self examination here and i realized that my love language wasn't being spoken. in this process of self examination...i've realized that i thought everything was great because i was happy....and i thought she was too. I didn't say i was unhappy..... i just knew there were things that we needed to work on...just didn't know how or what. Now i do.

thanks pisces...hope so! :-)

and to be honest bridgestone...we didn't go to counseling together (yet.....fingers crossed) but we are going individually. We haven't exactly shared any thing thats come out of that yet.....mainly because i'm not sure how to...at least on my end. One of her biggest gripes was that i was self-centered..... so on that note, i'm not sure how to talk about it without making excuses or explaining away the behavior..LOL..that's all. and that's really what i've been looking for...a way to do that without it sounding like an excuse or expaining away the behavior... that make sense?

Hi Neil
Sorry I was really not trying to swing a 2 x 4. Just shine some light. I don't know what it is to your wife... that was just my POV of your words and how it touches on something that resonates with me & my sitch with my H.

Now... your next question. if you want me to?



I'd be happy to tell you what I would want to hear & have heard from my H that has me at least back into counseling with him at this point, with no promises of a M, but just better communication.

I'll leave the ball in your court as to if you want some more from me

sorry again for the sore noggin.
Peace

that's fine. don't worry about the 2x4. i like all perspectives because i'm trying tyo better see my W's POV. I don't think we played one ups man ship, but I havent' really thought about things from that perspective.

Yes, i would like your input.

and BTW...i have a hard head. Too much brain damage from playing soccer LOL....

I got your message, I will check in later on this evening.

so weird encounter with W.

had to take wagon back to her from this weekend with girls. Helped a bit with window. She seemed irritated. I asked if she was mad at me. She said no, just upset about some things that broke in her place and.....

the fact that a woman who was part of a couple that we were friends with apparantly is talking about our sitch to other people, ones we do not know. That gets back to my W thru her friends. She's pissed at this woman. And apparantly this woman tried to set me up with another girl, and my W found out about it. that leads us into another conversation....
about how she is getting the brunt of the blame for this..that she destroyed a beautiful family. I said i feel bad that you are getting the brunt of the blame for this thing that we both did.(validated, i think) that we both messed up.
which then led to another conversation, tacked onto the one above and she wanted to talk about what we should do if one of us was dating another person. She said we got a year here, we should figure this out. We really didn't come to any conclusion because i said i didn't want to date anyone (which i really don't). She brought it up again. I said, no, you don't get it. I don't want to date anyone. She said ok. and dropped the entire conversation. I said, well, except one person. And she's like who? I gave her this look like are you serious? and she's like me? and she smiled. BUt then i said i'm not ready to date you.....and i can bet you're not ready to date me either (that was probably wrong, but oh well). I then stupidly asked if she was dating anyone and she gave the ambigious answer of maybe I am, maybe i'm not. The conversation ended there because she had some things to do.

was she probing? If you look earlier on this thread, i've heard that people have told her that they want to set me up, and she's flipped a lid.

she also is notcing the changes in how we do things with the kids. unbelievably bridgestone, she used the word "oneupsmanship" when it came to how we did things with the kids (i immediately thought of your post earlier LOL) and how I do things more with them now than i ever did. She said the kids are happier than when we were together and that we are better parents. I validated here too...... and i agreed. we are better parents now....i also said we could do those things if we were together too.

What's frustrating it that I know so much more now.........damn. I don't want to lose her permanently. I told her that again tonite (i know.....don't yell at me) and she said I know. bit of a backslide...but it felt right because it was during the whole 'dating' discussion.

thoughts?